Things with D have been going....how do I say...rocky. Sometimes I just can't deal with being with somebody. He's understanding and all that shit, but that dude has a breaking point. He hasn't said anything about it, but I know him...I can feel it. But I just can't seem to get right about somethings. And it has been a long time....I should be over it. I push his ass away sometimes, act like I don't care if he leaves...all that shit. I gotta do better. And it has me wondering, what if I'm single again.
I almost forgot how to do it. I mean, I'm used to him...he's the biggest part of my day. He's a good dude and I love him...but I keep blocking shit. It goes back to an old post of mine (not sure of which one) where I talked about the gay ultimatum. You know, at some point you have to make a decision-either go gay or go straight. And I let that shit get in the way. I always feel like I'm in too deep and eventually it's gonna have to end...regardless of how we feel about each other. I know it's not set in stone, and he has never mentioned it...but it's like a defense mechanism. Damn I hate my sexuality sometimes. I would rather just be asexual. Fuck it all.
think you are too much in your head, just live day to day
ReplyDeleteI don't know man . . . getting back with an ex is always a risky proposition. Sooner or later, you remember why it didn't go quite right the first time. Sounds like you need some space, so go get you some. Will probably suck for awhile. You'll probably even have make up sex (maybe hot!) but you got to go your own way. Be his great friend and love him forever if that's the way it goes, but when it is not right, it does not get better. And asexual??? Fuck. That. Do your thing man.
ReplyDeleteI have a very big problem with just going with the flow. I try to do better...
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