Gay Ass Ultimatum

I hate ultimatums, and always have...and my life is a constant, big fat one. 

Meaning, this being in the closet shit causes you to face some bullshit.  You know it's going to eventually come down to some "either-or" bullshit. At some point in your life you have to make a damn decision.  You're either gonna go with the gay bullshit, or go with the straight bullshit.  (Either way, life's a bitch is my point).  But we can all agree that the straight bullshit is just a little easier. That's why when we get to the fork in the road (left is gay, right is hetero) we go RIGHT.  Why knowingly take the harder road? 

This is when the closet life ultimatum comes showing its ugly, fuck ass head: Gay or Straight (when it comes down to settling down).

I'm still young, so the idea of settling down for life still seems very distant.  However, I still know the issue is coming.  I have my guy (D) and we're good, but as I've stated before it's gonna eventually come a time where we have to make a decision We're either gonna build a life together, or we're going to go our separate  ways and start a hetero life with wife/kids and shit. 

You basically have three choices

1. Live your life as a gay man

2. Live your life as a straight man

3. Live your life single, never settling down playing on both teams.

While we all the right to either one, it's safe to assume that number three seems to be a little more unstable.  So the ultimatum comes out showing it's ugly ass. I can't help but feel like I have to eventually make a decision, and deal with the consequences. At this time, I have no idea which way I'm going to go.  While the wife and kids seems to be the dream, I know I can't let men go.  But I also don't know if I can honestly deal with the social backlash of being openly gay in a public relationship.   

A Prude????

prude

 noun \ˈprüd\: a person who is excessively or priggishly attentive to propriety or decorum

I was recently called a prude.
I honestly can't say i disagree.  I have always had a greater sense of "cause and effect" than my peers.  I was always aware of possible consequences to my actions, and how I may be viewed because of them.  For example, when in high school a lot of my friends started smoking weed.  My scary ass was like "Hell Naw", not because I judged them for doing it, but because I knew it was illegal, my dad would have had a stroke, and the negative image of it.  I was still their friend, just didn't do what they did.  Even drinking, I had my first drink prom night (only a sip) and didn't try again for a few years.

Even with sex...I know I'm not that "freak" a lot of dudes may want.  I am very sexually open with my partner and will try different things.  I won't, however, go for things like exchanging of any body fluids beside cum and saliva.  Also, I don't subscribe to the notions that threesomes are the way to go in the gay world.  I wish D would fix his big lipped ass to ask some shit like that. I don't judge people who have them. Shit, I love watching them in pornos. However, I can't personally do it.

But I think I'm a good prude.  I'm not a judgmental one, or a hypocritical one.  I have friends from all walks of life.  I have hoe friends, stripper friends, thugs, drug dealers, mortgage brokers, nurses...etc.    I've done my share of bullshit in my little time on this earth, and don't regret shit. However, I don't like to share it ALL with people, and I have my limits.  

I'm a punk...

The title is pretty damn accurate here.

I told my ignant ass self that I was going to "come clean" to a good friend of mine about my personal life.  We're very close and he trusts me with a lot of shit....I mean ALOT of shit.  I have always felt very guilty when I know I'm being dishonest with him.  It makes me feel like a fucked up individual to be honest.

When the issue of love and relationships come up I always have to be vague and short with him...and this bastard notices.  I always give a quick bullshit response and changes the subject.  On top of that, he has hinted around it as well.  I'm sure as hell he knows, or at least has an idea.  However, I'm just not brave enough to just be compltely honest with him.  Hell, VERY FEW people are aware of my true sexuality.  And as I've said a hundred times before, I like it that way.  Or so I thought.

Its not so muchI want him to know my sexuality, I just want to be honest with him...and thats part of being honest.  I'm about 97.45% sure he knows and has known for a while...but no confirmation always leaves room for doubt.  I was plannig on telling him this past weekend but I choked up and the shit wouldn't come out.  I bitched out hard and it made me feel like shit after ward. 
I'm just a punk...an attractive one, but a punk none the less.

Still trying to get better at this shit.....

(Draft from Sept 2012)

"Sometimes I just want to scream.  This secret that burns me up every day sometimes seems so cancerous and ignites a fire that just won’t go out. I sit around sometimes and think “what the fuck is the point”?  However, common sense comes-a-knocking and I quickly step out of it. 

Its tiring…always censoring my conversation.  Sometimes just staying out of conversations all together in order to no slip up.   I hide someone who is very special to me, and something that is a big part of me.  But that’s not what bothers me, my personal life is really no one’s business.  It’s just the hard work it takes to cover it all up.

It’s like a battle of how I’m feeling versus reality. (Kind of like the ego and super ego.)  I really couldn’t care less about anyone else’s opinion of me is most areas.  However, I also know that many people are still ignorant of the issue of sexuality.  No matter who I am or what I do, my sexuality will trump any other trait I may have."

I never finished this because I couldn’t get my thoughts together, too much was running around in my mind that day.

I was bitching about it then, but it has actually gotten better.  I have become more accepting of myself.  Something that was one hell of a struggle.  I thought that if someone didn’t approve of me and something I was doing, I had to satisfy them.  No regards to myself.  Clearly, I was wrong.   I realize that I can in fact live happy with myself and my own decisions.   (Having someone along for the ride is just an added bonus) Basically, I don’t give as many fucks as before. 

Growing up..Finally!!!

I know I’ve said before (multiple times) that I’m going to get back into writing and get my mojo back.  So much, that even I’m tired of hearing myself say it.  LoL   However, its actually true this time. 

I have been on this journey of self-discovery.  It’s amazing just how much you DON’T know about yourself until you’re faced with some things head one. I always thought I was “set in my ways” and nothing and no one could ever deter me from my own way of doing things.  The degree to which I was wrong is uncanny.

I want to start off by saying,  I was not a “spoiled” child by any means.  I come from a comfortable background, however my dad always taught me the definition of hard work and what it takes to make a dollar.  Even still, I always only had to worry about ME.  I was the youngest child, so no younger siblings to deal with. I grew up in a home where all I had to do was go to school and come home.  Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to work.  Believe me, I tried.  I actually went out and got a job and pops wouldn’t let me work. I said all this to say, I’ve never really had to care about anyone else’s well-being except my own. (For the most part anyway).  I think that’s why in the past, it was so hard for me to accept what people (like D-boy) would want to do for me.  I didn’t understand why someone was worried about me when they didn’t’ have to be.  I now know the answer: LOVE.

My relationship has taught me how to care about, and care for, someone else.  It has taught me how to make someone else’s feelings and needs a priority…alongside my own.  I must admit, it feels good to have another source of motivation besides myself.  I always thought love was just saying “I love you”, sex, and being mushy and all that other crap.  However, I know see that it goes much deeper.  You become IN LOVE with someone.  And it’s beautiful…scary, but beautiful. I find myself wanting to make sure D is happy, content, and satisfied. I used to think I was only supposed to be concerned with these things for myself. But now I have another half…my other half. 

I’m growing up…finally!  LoL