Little update/ tidbit and shit...

I'm not sure if I have shared this, but my significant other (D) knows about the blog now.  I accidentally brought it up in casual conversation...forgetting his ass didn't know.  No, I haven't let him read it all....just a couple of excerpts.  He told me to write more and stop bullshitting.  So with that being said, (as I know my tired ass has said before) I'm really getting back to writing.  Maybe everyday this week...I have a lot on my mind.

You know what I'm sick of???

I'm sick of us.  And by "US" I mean gay/bi/DL men who hide behind the veil of sex only.  Everybody is not truly just thinking about sex.  You can't tell me otherwise. Everyday almost, it seems like I see/hear a guy say he only wants sex and he isn't looking for a relationship or anything serious. You know, basic NSA fucking. While I'm sure there are some people who genuinely only want sex, I equally sure not all that claim this are being honest.

In my humble opinion, I believe that it is instinctive for people to want companionship.  I'm talking about romantic companionship...not just friends and family and shit. It's natural to want someone who is readily accessible (not just for sex). We want someone to have dinner with, to share our thoughts, feelings and have excellent sex with.  I'm convinced.  Not everyone who claims to not want this is being honest, can't fucking be.  But it's not their fault.

This lifestyle has fooled the whole, entire fuck out of us.  This little society has made us think that being a gay man, especially a black gay man, is just sexual.  Real friendships, relationships, love, etc is null and void. That shit is wrong.  We have been ingrained to run away from anything serious...and I won't even get started on actual LOVE.  The idea of being in a relationship with another gay/bi man incites so much fucking fear and resentment from people, that I know it can't be self taught. Homosexuality has been condemned in our society so much that we don't even believe in ourselves.  Being in love/a relationship makes being gay/bi real and many guys can't take that.  Having sex is very real as well, but you can have sex with someone and not have to deal with them anymore and not relive the moment. A relationship, however, is constant and you are always reminded that you are homosexual....every time you tell the guy you love him and talk to/text him everyday.  Its kinda hard to put into words, but I'm sure you guys get the gist of what I'm saying.

I just wish we would be honest with ourselves and just say "Yes,  I would like to be involved with someone with many fucking strings attached." Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are people that only want sex...I'm not an idiot.  However, everyone who claims to isn't being real. Miss me with that bullshit.

Gay Ass Ultimatum

I hate ultimatums, and always have...and my life is a constant, big fat one. 

Meaning, this being in the closet shit causes you to face some bullshit.  You know it's going to eventually come down to some "either-or" bullshit. At some point in your life you have to make a damn decision.  You're either gonna go with the gay bullshit, or go with the straight bullshit.  (Either way, life's a bitch is my point).  But we can all agree that the straight bullshit is just a little easier. That's why when we get to the fork in the road (left is gay, right is hetero) we go RIGHT.  Why knowingly take the harder road? 

This is when the closet life ultimatum comes showing its ugly, fuck ass head: Gay or Straight (when it comes down to settling down).

I'm still young, so the idea of settling down for life still seems very distant.  However, I still know the issue is coming.  I have my guy (D) and we're good, but as I've stated before it's gonna eventually come a time where we have to make a decision We're either gonna build a life together, or we're going to go our separate  ways and start a hetero life with wife/kids and shit. 

You basically have three choices

1. Live your life as a gay man

2. Live your life as a straight man

3. Live your life single, never settling down playing on both teams.

While we all the right to either one, it's safe to assume that number three seems to be a little more unstable.  So the ultimatum comes out showing it's ugly ass. I can't help but feel like I have to eventually make a decision, and deal with the consequences. At this time, I have no idea which way I'm going to go.  While the wife and kids seems to be the dream, I know I can't let men go.  But I also don't know if I can honestly deal with the social backlash of being openly gay in a public relationship.   

A Prude????

prude

 noun \ˈprüd\: a person who is excessively or priggishly attentive to propriety or decorum

I was recently called a prude.
I honestly can't say i disagree.  I have always had a greater sense of "cause and effect" than my peers.  I was always aware of possible consequences to my actions, and how I may be viewed because of them.  For example, when in high school a lot of my friends started smoking weed.  My scary ass was like "Hell Naw", not because I judged them for doing it, but because I knew it was illegal, my dad would have had a stroke, and the negative image of it.  I was still their friend, just didn't do what they did.  Even drinking, I had my first drink prom night (only a sip) and didn't try again for a few years.

Even with sex...I know I'm not that "freak" a lot of dudes may want.  I am very sexually open with my partner and will try different things.  I won't, however, go for things like exchanging of any body fluids beside cum and saliva.  Also, I don't subscribe to the notions that threesomes are the way to go in the gay world.  I wish D would fix his big lipped ass to ask some shit like that. I don't judge people who have them. Shit, I love watching them in pornos. However, I can't personally do it.

But I think I'm a good prude.  I'm not a judgmental one, or a hypocritical one.  I have friends from all walks of life.  I have hoe friends, stripper friends, thugs, drug dealers, mortgage brokers, nurses...etc.    I've done my share of bullshit in my little time on this earth, and don't regret shit. However, I don't like to share it ALL with people, and I have my limits.  

I'm a punk...

The title is pretty damn accurate here.

I told my ignant ass self that I was going to "come clean" to a good friend of mine about my personal life.  We're very close and he trusts me with a lot of shit....I mean ALOT of shit.  I have always felt very guilty when I know I'm being dishonest with him.  It makes me feel like a fucked up individual to be honest.

When the issue of love and relationships come up I always have to be vague and short with him...and this bastard notices.  I always give a quick bullshit response and changes the subject.  On top of that, he has hinted around it as well.  I'm sure as hell he knows, or at least has an idea.  However, I'm just not brave enough to just be compltely honest with him.  Hell, VERY FEW people are aware of my true sexuality.  And as I've said a hundred times before, I like it that way.  Or so I thought.

Its not so muchI want him to know my sexuality, I just want to be honest with him...and thats part of being honest.  I'm about 97.45% sure he knows and has known for a while...but no confirmation always leaves room for doubt.  I was plannig on telling him this past weekend but I choked up and the shit wouldn't come out.  I bitched out hard and it made me feel like shit after ward. 
I'm just a punk...an attractive one, but a punk none the less.