Untitled

I made an observation about myself lately. (Well, I think I did anyway). Down and out shit. 

I am afraid of love.  There I said it.  I don't know why, or really even how to explain it.  Just the thought alone frightens the shit out of me.  I like to be in control and in this love game no one has the control.  I can't get jiggy with that shit.  It may be because of past experiences and what I see everyone else going through.  I look at some shit I see and think to myself "If that's what love means, count my black ass out".

So many people claim to love someone or be in love, and its nothing but negativity unhappiness.  When I think of love, I think of happiness...I think of actually getting along with the person I'm with. Call me crazy.  Of course, I know its not perfect and there will be some bad times.  But it shouldn't be constant...should it? I have friends, co-workers, associates, and even family members who claim to be in love but it seems so painful.  They are always arguing, unhappy, angry and annoyed with the person they claim they love.  If being in love means I will allow someone to do me like shit and just grin and bear it, I don't want any part of that foolishness.

The trust part of it all, I can deal with.  I don't trust easy...don't know why.  But I trust Sly, that much I know.  I trust him enough to not purposely do anything to hurt or upset me.  And I trust that he has my best interest at heart. But do I love him yet?  I don't know.  I think that's why I actually got a feeling of relief when I realized we were having issues and weren't spending enough time together.  I kinda felt like "whew, I can stop being so fucking vulnerable".  But then that feeling went from relief to anxiety.  Him not being there damn near scared the shit out of me. (I know, wishy washy). I just hope he waits for me to deal with this shit.  I know he doesn't have to and I don't have the right to expect him too.  But I still hope.