So I'm a piece of work. I swear my ignant (ebonic typo and it stays) ass needs counseling or something. Seriously. I can' t make up my mind and it seems that I can't be satisfied.
Technically, I know I don't have shit to complain about when it comes to my love-life...but damn. I am well aware that I am a "natural asshole". I don't try to be and it's not on purpose. But that's not really the problem. I do not know how to be with somebody...more specifically Sly. There is so much good about him, and us, but there are also things I can't get jiggy with. It has been good for the most part and he's a good dude. However, I have my quirks. For example, sometimes I just want to be alone. I mean, ALONE. I don't want to physically be around anybody, talk, text, or tweet anybody. I have had this issue ever since I was a little kid, and it got worse after the death of my mother. It's not all the time, just when I'm moody or stressed. But this muhfucka just can't get it. He's already more clingy than I'm comfortable with, but when he constantly tries to force me to chill with him or talk to him AFTER I told him I'm in my mood to be alone...I damn near lose it. Shit. How hard is it to respect that shit. I know his intentions are good, but he needs to understand me more. I have explained to him and expressed this to him. He says he gets it, but he really doesn't.
Then it gets so much deeper than that. It seems like he tries to change everything about me to suit his black ass. For example, I don't like going out a lot. He acts like that shit is unacceptable. He tries to drag me out to these bars/lounges (straight ones of course). And I don't always want to. I do it because it's all about compromise and I care about the man. But it's one sided now. I can't keep "changing" to his fancy. I have tried to talk to him about it. The shit goes no where.
And ironically, while I made him out to be the best guy...I didn't have these fucked up situations with D-Boy. They're both very masculine, manly men cool, and has shit going for them...but D has more of a hood streak to him. I'm guessin that's why I leaned more toward Sly. He seemed like more of "the catch". But I think I made a damn mistake. Yeah, I know after all the shit I've talked and shit I've done.
Then to top it off...the dick was good, the attention was good, and even the conversation was good. Don't get me wrong, he was a clingy lover too. But he understood I wasn't and he laid off some for me. I don't know what i'm going to do. Hell I almost wanted to call him to...let me now even think about it. I digress
Thanks for listening to me vent. I think maybe I need some new dick....
I don't know man, I feel like if you have a good one you should hold on to him. I have my pissy moments when I just want to be alone as well, but I would give anything for a person who would still want to be around me when Im in those moods. The reality is you're going to have to do some changing in any relationship, as long as the good outweighs the bad it's worth it to me.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Reclusive. It's all about weighing each other out. But I do feel what you're saying though, 100 percent.
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, omg, it's sooo Twilight Zone-ish how similar we are. I lost my momz too. Back in 2004 and I go through the same lonely-spells you do...
--Cogito
That is just the thing though guys...my issues are not being accepted. It seems like every time I do something he doesn't like or (he learns something about me he doesn't like) I'm the asshole, I'm the enemy, and I need to change. Damn, I can't change my ENTIRE life...especially when he doesn't change shit.
ReplyDeleteIn a relationship, two people are going to have differences. They are not going to think the same, act the same, etc. This bastard doesn't get that.
@Cogito- That is weird. I've always seemed to connect with people who've lost a parent at a young age. Maybe it's some strange twin-ish type shit!
ReplyDeleteI think we're both just saying give it your best shot before you let him go. Let him know clearly what your issues are. Maybe the clubs and bars can be his thing to do with his friends. You seem to have a dude who 1) Lets you know where you stand in his life and 2) Only wants to be with you. That's rare to find. I'm assuming any dude with the name "Sly" is pretty attractive as well. lol
ReplyDeleteIf you feel like you're the only one compromising maybe letting him go is a viable option though.
Does sly read this blog? If not find a way to talk to him about your relationship. After all both you are in this.
ReplyDeleteWell, first of all, being single and in your 20s is underrated. You got no reason to be going to school fulltime, working fulltime, being dl, and trying to keep a man happy. Who the hell could handle that? Sex good? Great, keep him as a friend. Wanting to call D? Great, keep him as a friend too. To me it sounds like you got too much going on. Have sex with who you want to, or masturbate more. You don't have to be in a relationship unless you want to be and can focus on somebody when they need you. I'm guessing Sly and D both have about half going on of what you are dealing with. Take care of yourself bro.
ReplyDeleteIf a brutha can't be with you and embrace yo shit, time to move on. There are other good ones out there. And you know I liked D-boy anyway.
ReplyDeleteYa boy is back!
@Reclusive- Yeah, he is a good guy...that I can't deny. However, we together is not gonna work. It's ALL GIVE...no take. And yeah, he's a little easy on the eyes. Lol
ReplyDelete@Flowers- That shit is scary how you and my friend had almost the EXACT response, damn near verbatim. It is a lot to do...I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
@ColdPhoenix- Exactly man. A relationship shouldn't be all shit. Of course it wont' be perfect,but damn...gotta be good sometimes.
And welcome back buddy!
can connect with you. i like to be alone too, and dont like to go out so much. and in relationship was too much of compromise and having to explain myself and even defend, when all i wanted is to have my own space and peace. no mather how much you like the other person. he needs to realize this, otherwise it won't work out in long term.
ReplyDelete