Being in a relationship has really got me taking a long hard look at myself. While, the outside looks great (conceited moment..sorry. LoL), the inside could use a makeover or some shit. It's like a major inner turmoil taking place within me lately. While I'm happy and content in my current situation with Sly, I can't help but face the fact that it has it limits. There's a point where its gonna have to stop, and we are gonna have to part ways. Not because we would want to, or anything goes wrong, but the reality is that this closet shit limits you. It comes a time that in order to keep (or an attempt to keep) your sexuality and business under wraps you have to end shit before people around you become too suspicious and start asking questions. But what if I don't want it to end???
That's where this whole mess comes from. Honestly, I've never taken the whole coming out thing seriously. I've never seriously thought about being honest with my family and some friends. That is...until recently. I celebrated my birthday this past Wednesday. With that came a lot of...soul searching. I am well aware of my sexuality and no longer have any questions to myself about it. However, I struggle with how to live my life happily. I REFUSE to be unhappy trying to satisfy others. That shit is not gonna fly. I now realize that one day, I HAVE to tell those around me. It's not an option. I don't want to be married to a woman, unhappy, and sleeping around with men trying to scratch that itch...and still not be happy. I also refuse to be 40 and single and living alone because I'm still afraid of being honest with those around me. Can't be a prisoner in my own life/world!
Sly is such a genuine, honest, gentle, strong man. He has shown me things about myself I didn't even know were there. Like I said, I'm happy. This guy can make my worst day better by just telling me in the baritone voice of his "It's all good baby boy". A simple have a good day at work text can actually make the worst day great. All things I know I wasn't going to have with D-Boy. There's just one problem. I can't share my happiness with anyone around me. I can't share with anyone how great he is, how good everything is going, the problems we have, or anything like that. I've always believed (and still do) that a relationship is not just between two people, but between two entities. Meaning two people have to in some way be involved in, or share, friends, family, hobbies, etc. Not saying you have to be all up in their business, but you have to be able to join in and relate to things. If not, how can you ever spend time together? For example, on the holidays. Being in the closet means I spend the day with my folks, and he with his. There is no middle ground. And we only see eachother at the end of the day when the holiday is over. I refuse to live like that forever.
Not saying I'm coming out next week, but I know now it has to happen...eventually. Not because of Sly or anybody else but because of me. I'm not gonna be a grown ass man living my life afraid of what family and friends think/believe. I'm not gonna hide in my own home. I'm not gonna make my man leave my house and take all traces of him along because my folks are visiting. Either they have to accept me or get the hell on.
Well, I can imagine that you are feeling stressed. Who the hell wants to live life without being who he truly is? So glad I didn't go down the path that so many others did of lying about who I was (getting married, having kids) before people eventually found out anyway. They always do. Come on out of that closet young man. You'd be amazed out how few people actually care who you are sleeping with. Many more people would rather you be happy!
ReplyDeleteAt least you're doing it because you want to - not because Sly is pressuring you; cuz if there is backlash, you could end up blaming him (which you shouldn't, cuz it's YOUR decision). I'm pretty sure your Pops has an idea that something is going on & he'll love you regardless. You don't have to tell everyone: treat it nonchalantly - like a need to know basis. But at least you'll have a core group of people around you who will love & support you. Some won't like it, but hey - you can't please everyone...at least you can please yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd is Sly out? Does he have friends he's introduced you to? Not that you would talk to them about your man, but still, it's good to have some people you can just be you around. Good luck! ;-)
@Flowers- I really wish it was that easy man. If i could do it and be comfortable with my decision, I would. But I know in my heart it is not the right time. I know it's coming though...just don't know when.
ReplyDelete@J-Not just an Idea, I'm sure he knows...he has hinted around it. I'm sure he wouldn't give a damn for the most part. And my issue is those people around me. There are a lot of people that I KNOW will not be okay with it. And I'm not sure I'm ready to let some people in my life go. Cause I know that's what gonna have to happen.
Sly isn't out really. His family and some of his best guy friends don't know. He has a few friends that know what's up, and they have become my friends. We hang out talk, and we can be a couple around them. And that's part of the guilt on my end. He's bringing me in parts of his life, and I no where to bring him into. (if that makes any sense)
Man o Man, my sentiments EXACTLY. Down to the punctuation! --sighs-- Man, in a perfect world...
ReplyDelete--Cogito