The gay/bi/dl lifestyle is often characterized the stereotype of involving a lot of lust, sex, hook-ups, and no strings type relationships. However, it seems dudes don't seem to mind this shit. Hell, its almost like we purposefully embody this.
Don't get me wrong, I fucked my fair share of people in my life. I'm not judging anyone. But when/how did this shit get like this. I am starting to believe this stereotype is not one at all, but cold hard facts. Homosexual males, especially black males, are so self-loathing and embarassed about their orientation that we can't even take ourselves seriously. Think about how many gay/bi/dl guys say "I don't do relationships, I don't get serious with guys" and other bullshit. No, being involved or committed is not necessary. But, it should at least be an option if it is indeed what you want. Guys will live, grow old, and die alone all because they aren't comfortable being with another guy long term.
The question is, however, whose fault is it? It just seems like society makes it hard for a black man to be anything other than ultra-macho, a thug, or something similar. (No, I'm not attacking the black community. Other races have the same issues. It's just an example.)If he fails be these things his masculinity and manhood as a whole is called into question. And not just gay black men, but black men that are more preppy, professional, or privileged. These guys are often called "not black enough", selling out and weak. Now imagine this same guy being gay. This is basically the story of my life. I've been accused of some of these things. Then to top it off, I'm bisexual. Double Wammy. Sometimes I feel like if I was to come out and live my life comfortably, and it involved being with another man, my community would shun me and I wouldn't be accepted. And it's clear I'm not the only one.
Thats what I equate the lack of long term, committed relationships among gay man, especially black men, being almost non-existent. So in lieu of it, we resort to filling that void with multiple sexual partners, hook-ups, short flings, and the like. And I include myself in this group. I have shied away from guys, and ruined shit with guys because of the FEAR of being with him and someone possibly finding out and being ostracized from those I love and love me...or I believe to love me.
Dag bruh...u hit some points right on the head. Masculinity, especially black masculinity, in my opinion is a performance. We have to conform to so many standards and fall into that social trap of "being black enough" that we sometimes get away from ourselves. You're tapping into a lot of thoughts a lot of us think about, but rarely speak on.
ReplyDeleteAll of us who read and comment on your blog, I wonder how we'd interact if we were face-to-face. I mean, to a large extent, would we be still performing "masculinity?" Because, I won't lie, the net gives me a lot more confidence to speak on stuff how I truly see it.
Yes, it is sometimes a performance. Thats why so many dudes are different when in public and when alone with someone. And thats a good question. I have often wondered would it be any different if we were face to face. I know for myself, I can write my feelings and thoughts better than I can speak them.
ReplyDelete@try: I guess i can understand the struggle to keep up an image to impress people. Something a lot of the "discreet" and "DL" gay black men tend to do. But you cannot get upset when you can't seem to find happiness as long as you aren't living authentically. When you live your life for the sake of pleasing other people one will never be happy; not with themselves and especially not with someone else. There are a whole host of factors that contribute to the lack of committed relationships and hyper-sexuality within our community. But the white girls go through the same thing as we do so i know it isn't exclusive to us. I believe gay black men internalize this whole thing about being non-committal and promiscuous and in-turn act out in a way that confirms this belief. We aren't all like that obviously, but a lot of us are. If one doesn't live their life expressing something that comes naturally do them to their family and friends because they're afraid these people will somehow go away, i think it would be in their best interest to determine if their own inner turmoil is worth more to them than the c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l love of those they choose to surround themselves with.
ReplyDelete@Non2st: I suppose depending on who you surround yourself with would determine how one deals with the issues of masculinity. Personally, my friends and I are a lot more comfortable with ourselves and our sexuality that portraying a masculine front is seen as comical. Most of the time its forced and easily seen through. Although we fall on the more masculine side of things naturally, we definitely don't censor ourselves. If you met me in person you'd get the same person you'd envision in your mind when you read my blog.
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ReplyDeleteShit, I just thought that's what guys did when I was doing it. We both get what we want and on to the next. No hidden agendas, no string attached. Maybe I would entertain the thought of being with a guy long-term if I met one I was compatible with but that hasn't happened.
ReplyDeleteI think most dudes don't look to be with guys long term because they don't see it as realistic. How many weddings with two black guys have you been to? You know any black guys that are still going strong in their 60's, 70's? You see any old gay black couples in the grocery store? How realistic is it for someone who wants kids like me to actually be allowed to adopt one with my "husband"?
I am the same though. I express my thoughts much better through writing rather than speaking.
@Vain: Its not so much of living one's life trying to please others. Its more so about having the longing to be accepted by those around you. And I often wonder why do we portray this non-committal and promiscuous (as you so accurately referred to it) lifestyle. I think the truth of the matter is, no one can live just for themselves. That is just a fairy tale people speak of. No one wants to be in the world alone without their loved ones. Thats where you're statement " would be in their best interest to determine if their own inner turmoil is worth more to them than the c-o-n-d-i-t-i-o-n-a-l love of those they choose to surround themselves with". Real talk, I have not heard anything this true in a long time.
ReplyDeleteIs it always worth coming out, and doing other things you want to do if it means losing things and people around you.
@Reclusive One-So would you honestly entertain the idea of going long term with a guy you meet and compatible with?
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't see any old gay black couples. And that is quite sad. Gay didn't start five or ten years ago. It has been around forever. So I'm sure there are some gay black men in their 60s and 70s who are alone because they couldn't be with who would make them happy, and I'm sure there are some who are unhappily married with women. Just because we don't see them, it doesn't mean they don't have the want.
And man, I can't tell you how many times I've thought about children. Adoption isn't perfect, and it isn't right for everyone. However, gay rights are growing and in coming years in can be easy. Think about it like this,adopting can be giving a child the greatest gift imaginable.
@Trey: Luckily, I haven't been faced with the dilemma of meeting someone I'm attracted. I've had no problem disposing of some of the dudes I messed with. They had less than nothing to offer me besides sex.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly why some guys (blk men especially) see guys as an means to an end, a short term thing until they are ready to bite the bullet and marry a woman. Hell, I haven't even met a gay/bi guy I could be friends with. Maybe Vain is right that I have developed an emotional block for dudes because I rarely see past my physical attraction.
Gay blk men have a long way to go before they can adopt children. White gays embrace the political and socioeconomic power and they still have a hard time adopting so imagine a black couple trying to adopt.
Thats a good point, it would be harder for a black couple. I hope you soon one day meet a guy who offers you more than a physical attraction. And I appreciate your openness and honesty too man.
ReplyDelete*And i really enjoy talking with/debating with you guys*
@Trey: You asked: "Is it always worth coming out, and doing other things you want to do if it means losing things and people around you?" And the answer is YES!!!! YES IT IS!!! EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. You must live your life trying to be as authentically yourself as possible. Only then will you find happiness and satisfaction. The people who have no real place in your life will fall to the way-side and the people who MATTER will still be there. Simply because they're your family doesn't mean they have your happiness and best interests at heart. Many have their own agendas and ideas about who you should be with little regard for who you are outside of their mind. Always remember they are people first... with their own problems, thoughts, lives, and perspectives... and your family and friends second.
ReplyDeleteTrue, but it so much easier said than done. Kind of reminds me of the saying "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter." I can only hope I get to that place one day.
ReplyDeleteThere are different ways to come out tough. I wouldn't say anytime, at any cost. You have to consider the social context. If you know you will loose support of family and community, then it is not worth to do it before you are educated, can be independent, or have other support outside. But in long run, nowadays, at least educated people, can get job, can move - if things get worse. That's generally one does not need family(and wider community) for survival, as in past.
ReplyDeleteON promiscuty and NSA relationships: I think it is partially context conditioned, it hard to built a samesex relationship in environment that is so homophobic. On the other hand, I think in these times, at least middle-class people don't have other excuse than their own fears - if committed relationship is what they want above all.
And on the other hand I wouldn't a priori condemn life style with multiple sex partners... It's personal choice, sometimes free, it can even coexist with relationship. And it doesn't necessarily mean you take ppl/fuck buddies as objects...Last time I chat with a guy, after years, we had (random) sex once like 5 years ago i think. He had to leave the place and i didnt see him since. Then on MSN he reluctantly asked: do you remember me? of course i do, I said...I felt the same, when he replayed, that he feel happy hearing that. Its a bit silly, but still means random NSA sex doesn't always mean fuck and forget:)
One note about coming out: if you do it, do it because you want to, not because a partner is tryna to make you. Because when ish hits the fan, you'll likely blame him if you felt forced (versus your ownb decision) and it could implode the relationship. Support is essential, and having your own (should parents trip), but don't do it for anyone else but YOU.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts as an African American Woman: males who have sex with other males are homosexuals. It seems the terminology of downlow and bi-sexual are catch phrases to candy coat reality, lessen the impact and to make other feel good. I had the misfortune of dating a male that is on the downlow. He is divorced, has 2 children, financial stable, and a good lover, never any performance issues. One day, in the 7-year relationship of having unprotected sex with me, he asked if I could be with a bi-sexual man. I am a visual person, some of us women view homosexuality (MSM) as a penis covered in fecal matter. I felt he was coming out to me, he seemed to be emotionally vulnerable, he seemed to want acceptance, as though things should not change between us. He literally said men have always done it. In some ways I felt sorry for him and for me, I loved him, he was my best friend. But I realized for 7-years he lied about who he truly is. It's also clear why his wife divorced him. It's like lying about your gender or lying about being African American, it is a form of self hatred. I am from S.F., I am educated, open minded, and have always accepted people for who they are. However, I am a woman; I don't want a relationship with another man's boy-friend. I cringe every time I think about it. Looking back there were times when he was very secretive, and when I questioned him, he would laugh at me and say, "You are crazy, what other woman". That was 2 years ago, and some mornings I still wake up and tell myself that was only a dream, a really bad nightmare. Let's keep it real, males who have sex with males are homosexual, why involve a woman into your own personal self hatred. Whether you come out or not, you are still homosexual, so why harm a woman?
ReplyDeleteWhile I sympathize with your situation, I really hope you don't let it ruin your perception of black men....both gay and straight. But one thing I have to stress is that there is such a thing as bisexual. It's not some way to candy coat something...its simply reality. And all bisexual males do not sleep with both genders simultaneously. I'm sorry your guy did, but he doesn't represent the entire community. Yes, its unfortunate women are sometimes hurt in these situations, but we can't group every bisexual guy into the "cheating husband family-destroyer" category. This post was more so concerning males who actually deal with males and don't know how to commit and be straight forward with them. Thats doesn't mean these same men are still sleeping with women. And again, sorry you experienced this, but don't let it destroy your views on certain people...just him.
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