Contemplating Shit

Sometimes I sit back and think how the fuck I got to where I am right now.  I mean, how did I even become attracted to men, how and why did I get myself stuck in the DL life, and why do I fuck around with the guys I do.  I know, its been asked a million times and no one really knows the answer, but it doesn't stop a guy from wondering.  I wasn't someone who was molested/raped as a child (to my knowledge anyway), I wasn't exposed to homosexuality in anyway. So my only reason is that I was born with this shit.  From as long as I can remember I was attracted to dudes.  However, when I was younger I didn't know it was an attraction of course. (You know they say hindsight is always 20/20.)  You know, I always looked at guys the same way I would girls.  The older I got, the more it started fucking with me though.

I remember gym class in junior high.  Thats when it all started.  We would have to "dress out" and we would all be in this big locker room with about 5 different rows; just like you see in the movies.  All of the guys would strip to their boxers and change into their gym shorts. Me, being 13, and hormones running a damn frenzy, would always sneak a peak here or there. I didn't necessarily WANT to,  but I couldn't help it. Part of me felt it was wrong to have the thoughts running through my mind, and another part was like "fuck it, dude is cute."  Gym class soon became my own personal hell.  I dreaded the thought of the locker room and having to try to look down or look away.  I'll be damned if someone ever caught me.  Even though I'm sure I wasn't the only dude in there checking the other guys out.  It took another three years for me to finally admit to myself that this shit is real and it isn't going away. I blame it on the almighty dick and its goodness.

And I'm thinking of all of this shit while I'm sitting here waiting on "D-Boy" to call and say he's ready. (I'll tell you all about him in another post....get used to him.) It never fails, I always frustrate myself with this question I can't answer.  Why do I like guys? Hell I don't know....I'm just happy some of them like me back.