While I'm a bisexual male, I have faced the reality that I can live without a woman easier than I can without a man. Meaning, I can promise fidelity more to a man than a woman. I can be involved with a guy, and be content with the dick and pussy isn't neccessary. Added bonus, but not something to stress over. However, if I'm with a chick, the pussy isn't enough....I start to need a mans touch, a mans attention, and most of all the man's sex. I don't know why, and I wish I could explain it. But it gets to the point where I feel I have to step out on them. And the same doesn't go for when I'm with a guy.
I'm faced with the dilemma of which way to go in the future. Can I build a life with another man and still keep those who are close and important to me? Or do I marry a woman and risk be unfaithful and unhappy. For the record, even though I'm not out, I'm am totally for gay marriage and don't see a problem with two people of the same sex building a life together and raising a family. But my worry is how will those around me react to the situation? The obvious answers would be it doesn't matter what others think, but that shit is a fairy tale. A marriage/relationship is not just between two people, but between two entities. That includes family, friends, hobbies and so on. There is no way you can be happy and content with just ONE person in your life. That shit isn't going to happen.A big reason this worries me is because I'm from the deep south. These close-minded, hypocritical, conservative muhfuckas around here (my extended family specifically) wouldn't make that shit easy. And their judgements and attitudes will drive my black ass insane. There are some people around me I know wouldn't give a damn, like my father, my sister and brother. My mother is deceased and my father has been a single parent ever since and we are very close. I know I'm young and shit, and I have time and all that...but your boy still worries over shit.
omg dude, I totally contemplate the same ish! I'm a minister, a young one at that. And it was already a struggle getting Ordained without being married. My pastor knows I'm gay (he's also my big cousin) but doesn't really care about it so long as it doesn't "affect the ministry" as he says.
ReplyDeleteBut I still wonder if I want to give the world a big Middle Finger and marry Idris Elba or settle down with some chick and be some pseudo-drone for the rest of what will become a ho-hum life?
*sighs* I feel you man. I guess we have to wait and see, right? btw, I'm sooooo for gay marriage; not that I'm gonna picket-sign anywhere, but I'm secretly rooting for 'em from behind the pulpit! ;)
--Cogito
great blog, btw
Well you can go step by step... Its good to stop and think - like you are doing right now. Listen to ppl with similar excpirience, it will be easier to decide so. Some ppl escape, move to other place and live tottaly different life there, some ppl live double life, some try to introduce "alternative" life-style to their close ones, and get accepted eventualy...
ReplyDelete@Cogito. Thanks man. And I always wondered was I the only 21 y.o having these thoughts and inner turmoils regarding my sexuality. It just seems like time is winding down and I'm getting older and reality is starting to kick in. Especially as I see old friends having children and even getting married recently.
ReplyDeleteAnd like you, I'm not gonna go out picketing and singing songs but I'll root for them behind my computer. LoL
@Miha.I thought about all of that too. I want to be happy, but if it involves me having to move away and leave those I love behind I don't know if I could. I guess only time will tell.
I think of the same things Trey & I'm
ReplyDelete25. I think some people have a inkling, but aren't quite sure! I'm just taking it for what it is, which is being real & honest with myself. And if I don't want people to know I'll have to get the balls to them it's none of their business!!!
As you live and experience your life you'll come to make the decisions which are best for YOU. You're certainly not alone my young brother.
ReplyDeleteI must tell you that it has very little to do with age. I know guys in their late 30's that refuse to even entertain the thought of what/who will make them happy. You can/should love your family/friends but you have to make YOU happy first. In the end, those who love you will still love you. Those who don't won't even matter.......in the long run.
You know Josh, that reminds me of the quote "Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter."
ReplyDelete