Still trying to get better at this shit.....

(Draft from Sept 2012)

"Sometimes I just want to scream.  This secret that burns me up every day sometimes seems so cancerous and ignites a fire that just won’t go out. I sit around sometimes and think “what the fuck is the point”?  However, common sense comes-a-knocking and I quickly step out of it. 

Its tiring…always censoring my conversation.  Sometimes just staying out of conversations all together in order to no slip up.   I hide someone who is very special to me, and something that is a big part of me.  But that’s not what bothers me, my personal life is really no one’s business.  It’s just the hard work it takes to cover it all up.

It’s like a battle of how I’m feeling versus reality. (Kind of like the ego and super ego.)  I really couldn’t care less about anyone else’s opinion of me is most areas.  However, I also know that many people are still ignorant of the issue of sexuality.  No matter who I am or what I do, my sexuality will trump any other trait I may have."

I never finished this because I couldn’t get my thoughts together, too much was running around in my mind that day.

I was bitching about it then, but it has actually gotten better.  I have become more accepting of myself.  Something that was one hell of a struggle.  I thought that if someone didn’t approve of me and something I was doing, I had to satisfy them.  No regards to myself.  Clearly, I was wrong.   I realize that I can in fact live happy with myself and my own decisions.   (Having someone along for the ride is just an added bonus) Basically, I don’t give as many fucks as before. 

Growing up..Finally!!!

I know I’ve said before (multiple times) that I’m going to get back into writing and get my mojo back.  So much, that even I’m tired of hearing myself say it.  LoL   However, its actually true this time. 

I have been on this journey of self-discovery.  It’s amazing just how much you DON’T know about yourself until you’re faced with some things head one. I always thought I was “set in my ways” and nothing and no one could ever deter me from my own way of doing things.  The degree to which I was wrong is uncanny.

I want to start off by saying,  I was not a “spoiled” child by any means.  I come from a comfortable background, however my dad always taught me the definition of hard work and what it takes to make a dollar.  Even still, I always only had to worry about ME.  I was the youngest child, so no younger siblings to deal with. I grew up in a home where all I had to do was go to school and come home.  Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to work.  Believe me, I tried.  I actually went out and got a job and pops wouldn’t let me work. I said all this to say, I’ve never really had to care about anyone else’s well-being except my own. (For the most part anyway).  I think that’s why in the past, it was so hard for me to accept what people (like D-boy) would want to do for me.  I didn’t understand why someone was worried about me when they didn’t’ have to be.  I now know the answer: LOVE.

My relationship has taught me how to care about, and care for, someone else.  It has taught me how to make someone else’s feelings and needs a priority…alongside my own.  I must admit, it feels good to have another source of motivation besides myself.  I always thought love was just saying “I love you”, sex, and being mushy and all that other crap.  However, I know see that it goes much deeper.  You become IN LOVE with someone.  And it’s beautiful…scary, but beautiful. I find myself wanting to make sure D is happy, content, and satisfied. I used to think I was only supposed to be concerned with these things for myself. But now I have another half…my other half. 

I’m growing up…finally!  LoL