The title is pretty damn accurate here.
I told my ignant ass self that I was going to "come clean" to a good friend of mine about my personal life. We're very close and he trusts me with a lot of shit....I mean ALOT of shit. I have always felt very guilty when I know I'm being dishonest with him. It makes me feel like a fucked up individual to be honest.
When the issue of love and relationships come up I always have to be vague and short with him...and this bastard notices. I always give a quick bullshit response and changes the subject. On top of that, he has hinted around it as well. I'm sure as hell he knows, or at least has an idea. However, I'm just not brave enough to just be compltely honest with him. Hell, VERY FEW people are aware of my true sexuality. And as I've said a hundred times before, I like it that way. Or so I thought.
Its not so muchI want him to know my sexuality, I just want to be honest with him...and thats part of being honest. I'm about 97.45% sure he knows and has known for a while...but no confirmation always leaves room for doubt. I was plannig on telling him this past weekend but I choked up and the shit wouldn't come out. I bitched out hard and it made me feel like shit after ward.
I'm just a punk...an attractive one, but a punk none the less.
Friday, February 1, 2013
(Draft from Sept 2012)
"Sometimes I just want to scream. This secret that burns me up every day sometimes seems so cancerous and ignites a fire that just won’t go out. I sit around sometimes and think “what the fuck is the point”? However, common sense comes-a-knocking and I quickly step out of it.
Its tiring…always censoring my conversation. Sometimes just staying out of conversations all together in order to no slip up. I hide someone who is very special to me, and something that is a big part of me. But that’s not what bothers me, my personal life is really no one’s business. It’s just the hard work it takes to cover it all up.
It’s like a battle of how I’m feeling versus reality. (Kind of like the ego and super ego.) I really couldn’t care less about anyone else’s opinion of me is most areas. However, I also know that many people are still ignorant of the issue of sexuality. No matter who I am or what I do, my sexuality will trump any other trait I may have."
I never finished this because I couldn’t get my thoughts together, too much was running around in my mind that day.
I was bitching about it then, but it has actually gotten better. I have become more accepting of myself. Something that was one hell of a struggle. I thought that if someone didn’t approve of me and something I was doing, I had to satisfy them. No regards to myself. Clearly, I was wrong. I realize that I can in fact live happy with myself and my own decisions. (Having someone along for the ride is just an added bonus) Basically, I don’t give as many fucks as before.
I know I’ve said before (multiple times) that I’m going to get back into writing and get my mojo back. So much, that even I’m tired of hearing myself say it. LoL However, its actually true this time.
I have been on this journey of self-discovery. It’s amazing just how much you DON’T know about yourself until you’re faced with some things head one. I always thought I was “set in my ways” and nothing and no one could ever deter me from my own way of doing things. The degree to which I was wrong is uncanny.
I want to start off by saying, I was not a “spoiled” child by any means. I come from a comfortable background, however my dad always taught me the definition of hard work and what it takes to make a dollar. Even still, I always only had to worry about ME. I was the youngest child, so no younger siblings to deal with. I grew up in a home where all I had to do was go to school and come home. Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to work. Believe me, I tried. I actually went out and got a job and pops wouldn’t let me work. I said all this to say, I’ve never really had to care about anyone else’s well-being except my own. (For the most part anyway). I think that’s why in the past, it was so hard for me to accept what people (like D-boy) would want to do for me. I didn’t understand why someone was worried about me when they didn’t’ have to be. I now know the answer: LOVE.
My relationship has taught me how to care about, and care for, someone else. It has taught me how to make someone else’s feelings and needs a priority…alongside my own. I must admit, it feels good to have another source of motivation besides myself. I always thought love was just saying “I love you”, sex, and being mushy and all that other crap. However, I know see that it goes much deeper. You become IN LOVE with someone. And it’s beautiful…scary, but beautiful. I find myself wanting to make sure D is happy, content, and satisfied. I used to think I was only supposed to be concerned with these things for myself. But now I have another half…my other half.I’m growing up…finally! LoL
Sunday, October 7, 2012
To what extent of flirting is going to damn far while in a relationship. I think as humans we are natural flirts...whether is genuine interest or just to past time. Sometimes it's conscience and sometimes sub-conscience. But at what level is it going to far and it's disrespectful to the one you are committed to. Also, what kind of phone/text conversations should you be having (if any) with one of your flirtees?
Call me insecure, crazy, immature or what the fuck ever. I don't think you should be having flirty conversations and relationships on the regular while you are in a relationship. You can have friends and shit, but people who are trying to fuck you are not your friends. I wish someone would help me drill this shit into D-Boy's head. Like, damn dude...leave the hoes alone.
He feels he has to be "Nice" to everybody and be their friend. He thinks it's rude to just cut people off, even after they disrespect your relationship. Hell, he has gotten on me about cutting people off. I just have a no non-sense attitude when it comes down to this type of shit. If you are in a relationship, its some shit you have to ease up on. I know its not gonna stop completely, cause I still do it. But when it comes to flirting with someone, or some people, becoming a main part of your day...its time to chill on that shit.
I'm sure I'm coming off insecure to some, but that's not the case. I just find it disrespectful to carry on a flirty conversation while with someone. Maybe I need to grow up....or maybe I shouldn't have chosen someone that so many women still find attractive. I should just be with a queen, so women won't be interested in them. But then I won't be interested in them, so....this shit is just a LOSE-LOSE!!! LoL
What is it with these bitches and this sense of entitlement to every-damn-thing in the world. I see it more and more now...from co-workers to classmates to my own damn family. Women really feel they deserve the world, just because they're alive...and don't have to give anything in return.
I am aware of the old stereotypes of women being materialistic and all that shit, but its getting out of hand. They really feel a man is supposed to give, give, and give and that is his only purpose. It's really starting to piss me off. Now, I don't date women...and know I know why! Lol
I had to get on my cousin the other day about this shit. She is really like my sister, but I had to get her straight on something. She has an excellent boyfriend, who is a good guy and will do anything for her. However, she sometimes takes advantage of him...in my opinion. He's still in school (last semester) and he works, so his income is limited. She, on the other hand, is a night cardiac ICU nurse. She always expects something from him everytime he has a dollar in is pocket. When he gets paid, she wants a purse, has to go out to eat...or something . If he says he's running low on funds, and she wants to go out to eat....she just says she doesn't want to go anymore. Like her ass can't afford it.
Also, I see it everywhere I go. At work, a group of us always go to lunch together (2 guys, and 2 ladies). We went to the cafeteria just the other day, and the lady working at the register made the comment "Ya'll aren't taking care of the women's meal?" I gave her the dumbest of looks. Why, just because they are women, did she feel we were obligated to pay for her meal? Another example: My homeboy just got any upgrade on his phone, his friends little sister asked him for his old iPhone 4. He said sure, for a $150. Its still practically new. She got offended and said how does he look asking a woman to pay for a phone.
I'm a male, who dates other males...and I'm of the bottom persuasion. I don't expect a dude I'm with to take care of everything just because he's fucking me. Hell, its the best economy right now and no one wants to give away all of their money. Now granted, I literally have to fight D over this...I just don't agree with it. I can take care of myself, I don't need shit from him. It's nice to have a guy do nice things every once in a while...but not have a sense of entitlement to everything.
These bitches have lost their mind.