(Draft from Sept 2012)
"Sometimes I just want to scream. This secret that burns me up every day sometimes seems so cancerous and ignites a fire that just won’t go out. I sit around sometimes and think “what the fuck is the point”? However, common sense comes-a-knocking and I quickly step out of it.
Its tiring…always censoring my conversation. Sometimes just staying out of conversations all together in order to no slip up. I hide someone who is very special to me, and something that is a big part of me. But that’s not what bothers me, my personal life is really no one’s business. It’s just the hard work it takes to cover it all up.
It’s like a battle of how I’m feeling versus reality. (Kind of like the ego and super ego.) I really couldn’t care less about anyone else’s opinion of me is most areas. However, I also know that many people are still ignorant of the issue of sexuality. No matter who I am or what I do, my sexuality will trump any other trait I may have."
I never finished this because I couldn’t get my thoughts together, too much was running around in my mind that day.
I was bitching about it then, but it has actually gotten better. I have become more accepting of myself. Something that was one hell of a struggle. I thought that if someone didn’t approve of me and something I was doing, I had to satisfy them. No regards to myself. Clearly, I was wrong. I realize that I can in fact live happy with myself and my own decisions. (Having someone along for the ride is just an added bonus) Basically, I don’t give as many fucks as before.