Copy Cat

Quick question for any of you that know...

Can I protect what I write?  I mean, I know this shit isn't much...but i would hate if someone took my words and put it somewhere else.  So, Like can I copyright this shit?

Dating and shit?

Ya'll muhfuckas be dating and shit?

Seriously, do you?  And by date, I mean REAL dates. I'm not talking about the "come over and chill" bullshit.  I'm referring to the pick me up/meet me at 8 and we're gonna go out to dinner/exhibit type dates.  I know this lifestyle is supposed to be sexually charged, but damn.  I was thinking about it after hearing some girls at work talking about going on real dates with the guys around here.  While I was surprised that they are actually being taken out on REAL dates, I was a little discouraged to realize I've only maybe been on 2.

I was thinking, maybe it's because I don't date girls anymore, therefore I haven't had a reason to go on one. Then, I quickly realized I've still been dating... but I've been dating guys.  There really isn't a difference. Regardless if you're with man/woman you should still date. Go out some damn where. Fuck all this "chilling" shit we are our own worst enemy. It's no secret that guy on guy relationships have the worst reputation in the dating world.  Like I've mentioned before, it's all so damn sex crazed.  Which is cool, by all means...do you.  But we have to take this shit serious if we expect the rest of the world to. 

I go on dates with my dude, always have to be honest.  We met at his place the first time and went out.  Even though he "has me"  we still do it.  We'll go to the art exhibits downtown (D is a nerd at heart), the outside mall/promenade, New Orleans for the weekend, etc.  This is part of the reason why I don't want to lose his ass.  Too many guys aren't gonna do the same.  So I may just have to go back to pussy full time....

Does it all stay the same?????

I have been known to have a lot of "Fuck It" in my system. Sometimes when it's necessary and sometimes it's too much.  I know it's not always the best to not give a lot of fucks, but I can't help it.  I was tested with this earlier this week.

I have an old friend (not fuck buddy/boo thing)  who is bisexual and he was one of my only gay/bi/dl friends, best friends really. We haven't really been close in a while due to him doing some fuck shit that I just couldn't forget enough to continue with the same friendship.  We had mutual friends, and we all live in different places now.  And after getting together with my big bro "Donny" when he came in town,  who knows him and lives in the same city...I heard some disturbing shit.   He was a little hesitant before telling me, but he finally spilled the beans.  My old friend (let's call him "Mikey) has been out there tricking off.  And by tricking off, I mean selling his body parts and sexual favors for money.  I couldn't believe that shit.  Honestly, it's not something I would have put past him...but not something I have ever though of him realistically doing.  I was immediately scared for him.  For the past couple of years my attitude towards Mikey has been "Fuck Him"...but now I feel he is in trouble.  I acted "hard" in front of Donny, like I didn't care and he deserves what ever he gets.  But in reality,  I rode back home in complete silence.  

Donny told me Mikey was advertising himself on various websites/phone apps and it was a CONSTANT thing.  He was offering services and wasn't mentioning protection.  It hurts, like seriously hurts.  Mikey is an extremely handsome, attractive guy who can probably have any guy he wants in a relationship.  I just don't know what would make him so desperate and what he can be going through to resort to having a fucking price list for "services".  I heard of this shit going on in the gay world,  but I never thought it would hit close to home. We come from similar families...HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. His parents are more than able to help him, and they always have.  The last I remember, they had a great relationship.  

I just don't know what to do, if anything. I want to call him and help him somehow.  How?  I have no fucking clue.  But for one of the first times, the "fuck it" in my system is wearing off.  I feel like a horrible person, because I kinda threw him away after we had out disagreements and after he tried to work it out, I turned my back.  I don't know what to do.  Once again, excuse my random venting.  

I Ain't Shit....

There is just something about spontaneous sex that gives you a better not than the normal, planned shit.  And being with another guy just makes it that much fun/better. Sometimes when I get off work and out of class I want nothing more than to just be "taken".  SHIT!

Don't let the guy be waiting on you to get home, or you waiting on him to get home.  That build up makes for such a fucking experience.  You know I'm sneaky.  I'll start texting/sexting D freaky shit at 9 in the damn morning.  I want that dick hard all day.  I want that muhfucka to not think about shit all day but getting inside of me when he gets off work. Youh know how you start off with the "Good morning, have a good day" standard text...then the next thing you know you're sending a pic of you in some underwear.  He hates it, but loves it.  I will tease that bastard for 8 SOLID HOURS. Don't judge me.

One of the beautiful things about a relationship is what I like to call DOD...or Dick on Demand.  And when the guy is talented in that department, it makes it that much better.  For someone like me, whose sex drive is honestly not that high, when I want it...I WANT it. I send all that freaky shit and be at home waiting on him to get off work, ass clean and ready with no hesitation.  See, this is why I like dudes.  It's something about a man fresh off work, horny and wanting to take you down that I can't give up for a chick.  I've said it before, my black ass has to be able to submit to you....I don't like being in control all the time.

I'm actually in the middle of doing this right now.  I'm off work early and I am talking MAD SHIT in these text messages.  Come on 5 o'clock!!!!


 Yeah, I know I ain't shit.

Young, Black,Gay Ass Male

At work, being the youngest fucking sucks.  However, being the youngest and black sucks even more. 

The position I hold is not necessarily that of a direct supervisor, but we have people working under us who must answer/report to us (if that makes any sense).  Out of my 5 peers, there are 2 white women both over 30, 2 black women who I know have to be pushing 40, and one white guy who is maybe 28-30.  And then there's me 24 year old black guy.  I swear it's constant power struggle sometimes...and not even from the 5 I work closest with.  They respect my input, my knowledge, etc. Except for this one black bitch, who I'm sure hasn't had any dick in years. She's constantly trying to "test" me and prove points, but the bitter bitch is always wrong.  

The people who work under us are all older than I am.  Some have been there 10 plus years...doing the same fucking thing. Which for whatever reason, they act like is my fault.  I stayed in that area for a little over a year and moved the fuck on up out of there.  Some of them were pissed, and I don't know why.  They had the same opportunities.  Many of them constantly try to make my job hard, purposely fuck up thinking it's gonna negatively affect me (it doesn't).  I have had a few of them try to "call me out" in front of others, do half ass work,and get bad attitudes all for nothing. Hell, 4 of them have been written up/terminated while trying to fuck with me. Little did I know, they do it to not only myself but my 5 peers as well.  I can handle all of this, because my work speaks for itself.  The shit is laughable at best.  

But this issue brings up that gay shit again.  I work on the business end of a hospital.  It's full of fucking politics.  Right now I am a young, black, male with a branded target on my back.  I can't help them seeing that I'm young, that I'm black, or that I carry around a penis.  But I can hide the fact that I am bisexual (or as black people call it-Gay).  If I attached gay to my description, the shit would probably get worse.  I'll become "that young ass faggot" or "that fucking sissy" and I don't have time for that shit.  I would fuck around and lose my job.  Luckily (I guess that's the right word) I can move through society without my sexuality being known...but probably not forever.  

I'm just venting, this is just some shit that has bothered me for a few months since I accepted a new position at work.  I'm sick of these hoes. 

Little update/ tidbit and shit...

I'm not sure if I have shared this, but my significant other (D) knows about the blog now.  I accidentally brought it up in casual conversation...forgetting his ass didn't know.  No, I haven't let him read it all....just a couple of excerpts.  He told me to write more and stop bullshitting.  So with that being said, (as I know my tired ass has said before) I'm really getting back to writing.  Maybe everyday this week...I have a lot on my mind.

You know what I'm sick of???

I'm sick of us.  And by "US" I mean gay/bi/DL men who hide behind the veil of sex only.  Everybody is not truly just thinking about sex.  You can't tell me otherwise. Everyday almost, it seems like I see/hear a guy say he only wants sex and he isn't looking for a relationship or anything serious. You know, basic NSA fucking. While I'm sure there are some people who genuinely only want sex, I equally sure not all that claim this are being honest.

In my humble opinion, I believe that it is instinctive for people to want companionship.  I'm talking about romantic companionship...not just friends and family and shit. It's natural to want someone who is readily accessible (not just for sex). We want someone to have dinner with, to share our thoughts, feelings and have excellent sex with.  I'm convinced.  Not everyone who claims to not want this is being honest, can't fucking be.  But it's not their fault.

This lifestyle has fooled the whole, entire fuck out of us.  This little society has made us think that being a gay man, especially a black gay man, is just sexual.  Real friendships, relationships, love, etc is null and void. That shit is wrong.  We have been ingrained to run away from anything serious...and I won't even get started on actual LOVE.  The idea of being in a relationship with another gay/bi man incites so much fucking fear and resentment from people, that I know it can't be self taught. Homosexuality has been condemned in our society so much that we don't even believe in ourselves.  Being in love/a relationship makes being gay/bi real and many guys can't take that.  Having sex is very real as well, but you can have sex with someone and not have to deal with them anymore and not relive the moment. A relationship, however, is constant and you are always reminded that you are homosexual....every time you tell the guy you love him and talk to/text him everyday.  Its kinda hard to put into words, but I'm sure you guys get the gist of what I'm saying.

I just wish we would be honest with ourselves and just say "Yes,  I would like to be involved with someone with many fucking strings attached." Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are people that only want sex...I'm not an idiot.  However, everyone who claims to isn't being real. Miss me with that bullshit.

Gay Ass Ultimatum

I hate ultimatums, and always have...and my life is a constant, big fat one. 

Meaning, this being in the closet shit causes you to face some bullshit.  You know it's going to eventually come down to some "either-or" bullshit. At some point in your life you have to make a damn decision.  You're either gonna go with the gay bullshit, or go with the straight bullshit.  (Either way, life's a bitch is my point).  But we can all agree that the straight bullshit is just a little easier. That's why when we get to the fork in the road (left is gay, right is hetero) we go RIGHT.  Why knowingly take the harder road? 

This is when the closet life ultimatum comes showing its ugly, fuck ass head: Gay or Straight (when it comes down to settling down).

I'm still young, so the idea of settling down for life still seems very distant.  However, I still know the issue is coming.  I have my guy (D) and we're good, but as I've stated before it's gonna eventually come a time where we have to make a decision We're either gonna build a life together, or we're going to go our separate  ways and start a hetero life with wife/kids and shit. 

You basically have three choices

1. Live your life as a gay man

2. Live your life as a straight man

3. Live your life single, never settling down playing on both teams.

While we all the right to either one, it's safe to assume that number three seems to be a little more unstable.  So the ultimatum comes out showing it's ugly ass. I can't help but feel like I have to eventually make a decision, and deal with the consequences. At this time, I have no idea which way I'm going to go.  While the wife and kids seems to be the dream, I know I can't let men go.  But I also don't know if I can honestly deal with the social backlash of being openly gay in a public relationship.   

A Prude????

prude

 noun \ˈprüd\: a person who is excessively or priggishly attentive to propriety or decorum

I was recently called a prude.
I honestly can't say i disagree.  I have always had a greater sense of "cause and effect" than my peers.  I was always aware of possible consequences to my actions, and how I may be viewed because of them.  For example, when in high school a lot of my friends started smoking weed.  My scary ass was like "Hell Naw", not because I judged them for doing it, but because I knew it was illegal, my dad would have had a stroke, and the negative image of it.  I was still their friend, just didn't do what they did.  Even drinking, I had my first drink prom night (only a sip) and didn't try again for a few years.

Even with sex...I know I'm not that "freak" a lot of dudes may want.  I am very sexually open with my partner and will try different things.  I won't, however, go for things like exchanging of any body fluids beside cum and saliva.  Also, I don't subscribe to the notions that threesomes are the way to go in the gay world.  I wish D would fix his big lipped ass to ask some shit like that. I don't judge people who have them. Shit, I love watching them in pornos. However, I can't personally do it.

But I think I'm a good prude.  I'm not a judgmental one, or a hypocritical one.  I have friends from all walks of life.  I have hoe friends, stripper friends, thugs, drug dealers, mortgage brokers, nurses...etc.    I've done my share of bullshit in my little time on this earth, and don't regret shit. However, I don't like to share it ALL with people, and I have my limits.  

I'm a punk...

The title is pretty damn accurate here.

I told my ignant ass self that I was going to "come clean" to a good friend of mine about my personal life.  We're very close and he trusts me with a lot of shit....I mean ALOT of shit.  I have always felt very guilty when I know I'm being dishonest with him.  It makes me feel like a fucked up individual to be honest.

When the issue of love and relationships come up I always have to be vague and short with him...and this bastard notices.  I always give a quick bullshit response and changes the subject.  On top of that, he has hinted around it as well.  I'm sure as hell he knows, or at least has an idea.  However, I'm just not brave enough to just be compltely honest with him.  Hell, VERY FEW people are aware of my true sexuality.  And as I've said a hundred times before, I like it that way.  Or so I thought.

Its not so muchI want him to know my sexuality, I just want to be honest with him...and thats part of being honest.  I'm about 97.45% sure he knows and has known for a while...but no confirmation always leaves room for doubt.  I was plannig on telling him this past weekend but I choked up and the shit wouldn't come out.  I bitched out hard and it made me feel like shit after ward. 
I'm just a punk...an attractive one, but a punk none the less.

Still trying to get better at this shit.....

(Draft from Sept 2012)

"Sometimes I just want to scream.  This secret that burns me up every day sometimes seems so cancerous and ignites a fire that just won’t go out. I sit around sometimes and think “what the fuck is the point”?  However, common sense comes-a-knocking and I quickly step out of it. 

Its tiring…always censoring my conversation.  Sometimes just staying out of conversations all together in order to no slip up.   I hide someone who is very special to me, and something that is a big part of me.  But that’s not what bothers me, my personal life is really no one’s business.  It’s just the hard work it takes to cover it all up.

It’s like a battle of how I’m feeling versus reality. (Kind of like the ego and super ego.)  I really couldn’t care less about anyone else’s opinion of me is most areas.  However, I also know that many people are still ignorant of the issue of sexuality.  No matter who I am or what I do, my sexuality will trump any other trait I may have."

I never finished this because I couldn’t get my thoughts together, too much was running around in my mind that day.

I was bitching about it then, but it has actually gotten better.  I have become more accepting of myself.  Something that was one hell of a struggle.  I thought that if someone didn’t approve of me and something I was doing, I had to satisfy them.  No regards to myself.  Clearly, I was wrong.   I realize that I can in fact live happy with myself and my own decisions.   (Having someone along for the ride is just an added bonus) Basically, I don’t give as many fucks as before. 

Growing up..Finally!!!

I know I’ve said before (multiple times) that I’m going to get back into writing and get my mojo back.  So much, that even I’m tired of hearing myself say it.  LoL   However, its actually true this time. 

I have been on this journey of self-discovery.  It’s amazing just how much you DON’T know about yourself until you’re faced with some things head one. I always thought I was “set in my ways” and nothing and no one could ever deter me from my own way of doing things.  The degree to which I was wrong is uncanny.

I want to start off by saying,  I was not a “spoiled” child by any means.  I come from a comfortable background, however my dad always taught me the definition of hard work and what it takes to make a dollar.  Even still, I always only had to worry about ME.  I was the youngest child, so no younger siblings to deal with. I grew up in a home where all I had to do was go to school and come home.  Hell, I wasn’t even allowed to work.  Believe me, I tried.  I actually went out and got a job and pops wouldn’t let me work. I said all this to say, I’ve never really had to care about anyone else’s well-being except my own. (For the most part anyway).  I think that’s why in the past, it was so hard for me to accept what people (like D-boy) would want to do for me.  I didn’t understand why someone was worried about me when they didn’t’ have to be.  I now know the answer: LOVE.

My relationship has taught me how to care about, and care for, someone else.  It has taught me how to make someone else’s feelings and needs a priority…alongside my own.  I must admit, it feels good to have another source of motivation besides myself.  I always thought love was just saying “I love you”, sex, and being mushy and all that other crap.  However, I know see that it goes much deeper.  You become IN LOVE with someone.  And it’s beautiful…scary, but beautiful. I find myself wanting to make sure D is happy, content, and satisfied. I used to think I was only supposed to be concerned with these things for myself. But now I have another half…my other half. 

I’m growing up…finally!  LoL