Things with D have been going....how do I say...rocky. Sometimes I just can't deal with being with somebody. He's understanding and all that shit, but that dude has a breaking point. He hasn't said anything about it, but I know him...I can feel it. But I just can't seem to get right about somethings. And it has been a long time....I should be over it. I push his ass away sometimes, act like I don't care if he leaves...all that shit. I gotta do better. And it has me wondering, what if I'm single again.
I almost forgot how to do it. I mean, I'm used to him...he's the biggest part of my day. He's a good dude and I love him...but I keep blocking shit. It goes back to an old post of mine (not sure of which one) where I talked about the gay ultimatum. You know, at some point you have to make a decision-either go gay or go straight. And I let that shit get in the way. I always feel like I'm in too deep and eventually it's gonna have to end...regardless of how we feel about each other. I know it's not set in stone, and he has never mentioned it...but it's like a defense mechanism. Damn I hate my sexuality sometimes. I would rather just be asexual. Fuck it all.