Thursday, September 29, 2011

Major Changes

 (Aint that shit dramatic ^^^^ LoL)

So, I call myself being in this new " finding what makes me happy, letting go of the bullshit, fuck yo feelings" type shit right now.  Eventhough I haven't done anything crazy (yet) there is this weight lifted off of my shoulder already.  Cause this time next week I know shit will be different. 

I'm pretty much claiming to the end to the relationship bullshit.  I feel like I have sacrificed too much of myself and my damn sanity for this muhfucka.  No matter how many times I have told this asshole that the shit he does upsets me and I'm not feelin it...the shit doesn't change.  I mean damn, what do I have to do-knock the bastard "up-side" the head?! It seems like more and more his attitude is "be happy you're with me and I chose you, cause I'm a catch" he can miss me with that bullshit. I'm annoyed and tired.  And he knows its winding down.  He's been saying lil shit like " you aight, you been acting like you don't give a fuck" and "you mad about something".  And I told him what was up and he bascially acted like it was my fault I was upset.  I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but we're gonna have to chill out and have some time apart.

Like I mentioned earlier, the shit already feels better though.  Just knowing that I can let this stress and shit go is a good feeling.  Plus, I'm young, busy, not that bad looking, and I just want to have a little fun.  I have always been hard on myself.  I have never wanted to be labeled as a  "ain't shit n*gga.  I never went out much because I didn't want to be judged. I consider a C in a class failing, and I WILL take that muhfucka again. And shit like that.  I just want to enjoy myself.  Hell, at the new job alone there are two dudes and a chick I  KNOW are trying to get at me and another chick and dude I'm still trying to feel out.  I'm getting tired of missing out on people because I'm trying to be the "good guy".  Ya'll can have that shit. 

Man, I just want to call D and go chill with him, share a bottle of coconut ciroc and laugh at stupid shit.  That muhfucka gets me and he's humble. And I know I don't want to jump into relationship with him.  Not to mention...the sex is the shit.  This shit with Sly is gonna be interesting.  He wont' be surprised though...but that muhfucka will be a little pissed.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fucked up Individual...

So I'm a piece of work.  I swear my ignant (ebonic typo and it stays) ass needs counseling or something. Seriously.  I can' t make up my mind and it seems that I can't be satisfied. 

Technically, I know I don't have shit to complain about when it comes to my love-life...but damn.  I am well aware that I am a "natural asshole".  I don't try to be and it's not on purpose.  But that's not really the problem.  I do not know how to be with somebody...more specifically Sly.  There is so much good about him, and us, but there are also things I can't get jiggy with.  It has been good for the most part and he's a good dude. However, I have my quirks.  For example, sometimes I just want to be alone.  I mean, ALONE.  I don't want to physically be around anybody, talk, text, or tweet anybody.  I have had this issue ever since I was a little kid, and it got worse after the death of my mother.  It's not all the time, just when I'm moody or stressed.  But this muhfucka just can't get it.  He's already more clingy than I'm comfortable with, but when he constantly tries to force me to chill with him or talk to him AFTER I told him I'm in my mood to be alone...I damn near lose it.  Shit.  How hard is it to respect that shit. I know his intentions are good, but he needs to understand me more.   I have explained to him and expressed this to him.  He says he gets it, but he really doesn't. 

Then it gets so much deeper than that.  It seems like he tries to change everything about me to suit his black ass.  For example, I don't like going out a lot.  He acts like that shit is unacceptable.  He tries to drag me out to these bars/lounges (straight ones of course).  And I don't always want to.  I do it because it's all about compromise and I care about the man.  But it's one sided now.  I can't keep "changing" to his fancy.  I have tried to talk to him about it. The shit goes no where.

And ironically, while I made him out to be the best guy...I didn't have these fucked up situations with D-Boy. They're both very masculine, manly men cool, and has shit going for them...but D has more of a hood streak to him.  I'm guessin that's why I leaned more toward Sly.  He seemed like more of "the catch". But I think I made a damn mistake.  Yeah, I know after all the shit I've talked and shit I've done.

Then to top it off...the dick was good, the attention was good, and even the conversation was good.  Don't get me wrong, he was a clingy lover too. But he understood I wasn't and he laid off some for me.  I don't know what i'm going to do.  Hell I almost wanted to call him to...let me now even think about it.  I digress

Thanks for listening to me vent.  I think maybe I need some new dick....

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Just a quickie...

 (That damn Laz Alonso!^^^)

It's been a little know how it goes.

School has been giving me quite a bit more hell than I expected, especially one class.  I swear I give it til mid-terms and I'm going up side that woman's head. She has somekind of vendetta against me...don't know what it is.  But as long as I keep this A we're  good. Me and Sly are holding on (I think).  I'll get to that on the next post.  The shit is hard man.  When you have so much going on and have your attention being pulled a hundred different directions, it becomes hard to keep focused.   Last weekend I helped him move to his new place.  It was just me and him moving a house full of furnishings.  He said "See, this is one of the perks of fucking with men...automatic help". That bastard. LoL  Gotta like him though. 

I'm writing this while I'm getting ready to go to work tonight, so that's why it's short and rushed. LoL  I'll be updating you in the morning....I have been coming dangerously close to the unthinkable. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

"Ain't no way"

Being in a relationship has really got me taking a long hard look at myself.  While, the outside looks great (conceited moment..sorry. LoL), the inside could use a makeover or some shit.  It's like a major inner turmoil taking place within me lately.  While I'm happy and content in my current situation with Sly, I can't help but face the fact that it has it limits.  There's a point where its gonna have to stop, and we are gonna have to part ways.  Not because we would want to, or anything goes wrong, but the reality is that this closet shit limits you.  It comes a time that in order to keep (or an attempt to keep) your sexuality and business under wraps you have to end shit before people around you become too suspicious and start asking questions. But what if I don't want it to end???

That's where this whole mess comes from.  Honestly, I've never taken the whole coming out thing seriously.  I've never seriously thought about being honest with my family and some friends.  That is...until recently.  I celebrated my birthday this past Wednesday.  With that came a lot of...soul searching. I am well aware of my sexuality and no longer have any questions to myself about it.  However, I struggle with how to live my life happily.  I REFUSE to be unhappy trying to satisfy others.  That shit is not gonna fly. I now realize that one day, I HAVE to tell those around me.  It's not an option.  I don't want to be married to a woman, unhappy, and sleeping around with men trying to scratch that itch...and still not be happy.  I also refuse to be 40 and single and living alone because I'm still afraid of being honest with those around me. Can't be a prisoner in my own life/world!

Sly is such a genuine, honest, gentle, strong man.  He has shown me things about myself I didn't even know were there. Like I said, I'm happy. This guy can make my worst day better by just telling me in the baritone voice of his "It's all good baby boy".  A simple have a good day at work text can actually  make the worst day great.  All things I know I wasn't going to have with D-Boy.  There's just one problem.  I can't share my happiness with anyone around me.  I can't share with anyone how great he is, how good everything is going, the problems we have, or anything like that.  I've always believed (and still do) that a relationship is not just between two people, but between two entities.  Meaning two people have to in some way be involved in, or share, friends, family, hobbies, etc.  Not saying you have to be all up in their business, but you have to be able to join in and relate to things. If not, how can you ever spend time together? For example, on the holidays.  Being in the closet means I spend the day with my folks, and he with his. There is no middle ground. And we only see eachother at the end of the day when the holiday is over. I refuse to live like that forever.

Not saying I'm coming out next week, but I know now it has to happen...eventually. Not because of Sly or anybody else but because of me.  I'm not gonna be a grown ass man living my life afraid of what family and friends think/believe. I'm not gonna hide in my own home.  I'm not gonna make my man leave my house and take all traces of him along because my folks are visiting.  Either they have to accept me or get the hell on.