Thursday, October 20, 2011
This has been an interesting week...to say the least. I broke it off with Sly, and he have been cordial, well at least we try to be. He still doesn't quite understand why it is what it is, but he respects it. I've been trying not to deal with him too much. If I talk to his ass everyday, what's the use of leaving his ass alone? Plus, my conscience won't let me. Yeah, I've been fucking with D. I missed that muhfucka. (Tell you more about that later)
On top of that, I'm having female problems. Yeah, you read that shit right. This girl from class is really feeling your boy. And it makes me uncomfortable, for some strange reason. While I am still attracted to girls, it seems I have to be in the "mood" for it. Hell, the last time I had some pussy was about a year and a half ago. And quite honestly, I haven't missed it that bad. It's just...that a man can give me all the shit I need. Not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally as well. For some reason, I'm attracted to masculinity...heavily attracted. I admire everything about a man; from his physique, his smell, and his attitude. However, a woman has things I like as well. I love the essence of a woman, her sometimes soft demeanor and other things. The problem is, these things don't satisfy my black ass alone. Everytime I have ever been involved with a girl, I still needed and longed for a guy. I never mixed the two, but I had the urge to. The weird thing is, when I'm with a dude I'm completely satisfied...I'm not missing a chick.
Surprise,surprise...I know. I think now I'm more of like a 80/20 bisexual (think about it). The more I come to terms with my sexuality and the reality of it all, the more comfortable I become. I'm slowly starting to face the reality that the typical married life with a woman and a few kids may not happen with me. It's a scary thought, but shit...its reality. No, I'm not coming out or anything like that...that shit is for the birds. I'm just gonna take this shit one day at a time.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Once again I have been in my damn feelings thinking about my future. More specifically, the future of my love and family life. Who will I end up with (male or female), will I have any children? If I am with a guy how the hell are we gonna pull that off? I am very open to adoption. To be quite honest, if I was to get married to a woman I would want one of our children to be adopted. Can't really explain why. I just know I would love to make a child's life better and show them the love they miss from their birth parents.
However, some people don't believe in adoption. And if they do, many people don't believe the relationship is the same as it would be with a biological child. I must say I disagree. In the age old nature versus nurture debate I have always sided with nurture when it comes down to behavior and family connections. I believe that if you actually put the effort into bonding with a child, or anyone for that matter, you will find you have a close connection that couldn't be any closer if you were related by blood. Granted, I don't know too many adopted children/parents personally. But those I do know, have connections with their adoptive parents that I have with my own father. My cousin and her husband has an adopted son (she's unable to carry a child safely) they have had him since he was a few months old. After a while her and their adoptive son began to have that mother/baby bond we all see. He could be in the back room of the house and when she would come in he was able to sense her. He would start squirming around all of a sudden and whining until she reaches him. All of this, without even seeing her. This is something common of mother and baby, the baby can feel the mother's presence. Although not her biological child, she nurtured him as a mother. Hell, most of us are closer to our best friends than most members of our actual family.
I have always sided with the nurture side because I have seen it take precedent over nature too many times. Think of children close in age, growing up in the same home, had educated and successful parents, given the identical opportunities, but chose different paths. One chooses drugs and violence and the other chose education and a career. Clearly his or her outside influences persuaded them away from the ways of their family. This is why adoption doesn't scare me. I know all cases of adoption aren't perfect and its totally unpredictable. But I'm willing to give it a try in the distant future. It's the future itself that scares me.
Friday, October 7, 2011
*does the dougie*
So, I'm officially SINGLE! Hell yeah! (I'm cool now...hopefully it'll stay that way)
Man, it's like so much unneccessary stress is off my shoulders. Trying to please myself and that muhfucka was not working. It wasn't easy and it took me damn near a week to work up the courage to actually talk to him yesterday. Fortunately, he already knew something was up. He knows me, so he seen I was acting different, talking different and wasn't being me. I couldn't help it, I knew the situation was fucked up and the shit had to end before we got to the point of disliking each other. So I just came out and told him how I was feeling.
Earlier yesterday he hit me up and I told him we need to talk about some shit. His reaction was the typical "awww shit". I kind of told him over the phone that I wasn't feeling this shit any more. We ain't vibing like we used to....or like we should rather. I explained to him how I felt like who I am is not exactly what he wants and he can't accept that shit. Of course he insisted I was off base, and I was taking shit the wrong way. We ended it at that until I got off work. While I was at work Sly asked me come over when I got off. At first I was like fuck no, I wasn't ready for that. But I said what the hell ever and went. We talked it over and told him how I feel AGAIN. I get so tired of explaining myself to him. I told him the same things I say on here. I can't keep changing for you, I can't keep compromising my self and you aren't doing the same. I get tired of you trying your hardest to push me too far out of my damn comfort zone. Then he went into all the shit wrong with me. Man, I know I'm a fucked up individual...that's some shit I don't need any 2nd opinions on. LoL
But seriously, it was kind of hard telling him face to face. I told him that I still have feelings for him (cause I do) but we need to chill out because we need to work on some shit we SHOULD have done before we got this together. He agreed, but he didn't think we needed to call it quits. I eventually made him see it my way. And we came to this "pseudo" agreement about the situation. To sum this shit up, we bascially decided to give the relationship thing a break. We're still cool, cordial, and all that. He has this idea that it's just a break and we just chilling out for a minute. But I'm not so sure. Either way...my black ass is free! And yes I will be with D-Boy after work Friday. I'm getting off work and meeting him and a few friends at the fair...then, well who knows.