Beat To The Punch

*I'm a little late on this one. But between school and work orientation I'm stretched too damn thin*

I was planning on having a talk with my boy Sly. Well, this muhfucka pulled the okie doke on me and beat me to it.  I was shocked.  I mean, I didn't put it past him...but I know that we are both not the type to "make the first move" in this type of situation.  With two people like us, we would have been in this limbo for years! LoL

Sunday night we went out to an early dinner because we haven't been able to spend as much time as we had liked lately.  It was actually a very good time.  We laughed like crazy and had the couple behind us laughing.  Two twisted senses of humor are never good. LoL And as we were leaving Sly told me we needed to talk.  Like most people, I got nervous as shit.  Whenever someone says "we need to talk" I automactially think back to the movies where its never anything good. But it was quite the opposite.  We got back to his place and got settled in and he just started going in.  He mentioned that we've been kicking it for a while, been having sex, and all these other things but there is no clear definition of whats going on.  I agreed.  And he went on to say that we should make this thing we have going on official.

His voice was shaky, he was fidgeting with this hands...it was kinda sexy actually.  I could tell he was genuine and hella nervous.  I told hiim I felt the same way but I was scared to say anything. (Where that honesty came from beats the hell out of me). He started smiling and I could tell he was relieved...so was I.  We actually stayed up and talked til about 2 AM.  I had to be up for my first day of work at 8 so we had to cut it short. I actually slept with him (not sex).  That's big for me.  I can't sleep in the same bed with people, I don't like that closeness..the shit makes me uncomfortable. However, I did it that night.

So (dare I say it) I'm in a relationship.  Typing that was almost as hard as saying it out loud. It has been years since I have been in a real relationship. No doubt I'm a little rusty at this shit.  I'm not exactly sure what all it means and what all I would have to change.  At least I haven't been fucking around, so I don't have to go through the head ache of cutting dudes off and shit like that.   I wanna know what is a relationship to you?  What are some of your "rules and regulations" with a true COMMITTED relationship?  Any ADVICE would be greatly appreciated.

Check Up

I knows its been a minute.  I've had one hell of a last few weeks.  I've been in summer school (a.k.a hell) plus I've been working hella overtime...for no reason really.  Plus I've been spending a lot of time with Sly. And my schedule is hell.  School from 8-10am, work from 11a-7p but I've been working til 10p or 11p, then homework, then trying to fit my dude into all of this.  Yo boy has been beat.  But I know its all worth it.  Its nothing a bottle of Ciroc can't cure!!!!

(But there is good news, I have an A in class...so far.  I also finally got the new job I have been trying to get.  Less stress, and more money.  You can't beat that shit. LoL)

Shit, I don't Know

Anybody that follows this little site of mine knows that I have been seeing Sly.  Its been going well.  There still isn't a relationship/committment there...we are just going with the flow.  And that's the problem.....

How do you know its the right time/situation to be with someone?  I'm so accustomed to being with myself and not obligated to anyone I've forgotten how to recognize other feelings. We really like eachother, but I think we both are also not one to make the first move in this department.  I know of his past experiences, and I am all to aware of my fear of vulnerability.  I know, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.  I understand taking it slow and not rushing into things, but I also believe there is a time where you have to sink or swim.  If there has been anyone in my life (male or female) that I've wanted to try to make it work with, it would be him.

However, I just don't know if these feelings are really what I think they are.  Hell, I may be straddling the "L" word with this dude. At least I think so.  I really don't know how it feels....and that is sad.  In other departmetns of life I'm gucci. I'm successful in school, work, with friends but with this I'm as clueless as they come.  I don't even know how to recognize the feelings of wanting to be with someone...officially and exclusively.  I mean, what if I'm wrong.  The most I know is that we both believe in titles. (And anybody who doesn't needs some type of reality check). But I also know that we both have our reasons why we would want the other to initiate it.  Surprisingly, I'm slowly wanting to be that one!  I think I'm growing up. LoL  I can't lose this.  I don't want to mess up this string of blessings I've gotten lately; new job, school, and Sly.

Its a fuckin shame I can't even recognize these feelings. Fear is a bitch.

Playing With Roles

One pro of being heterosexual is you automatically know one another's sexual role.  You the know the man will be doing the penetrating and you know the woman will be the one being penetrated.  Simple.  However, with men its not that damn easy.  I don't know how many times I have been in the situation where someone was afraid to bring up the subject of top and bottom.  It is one of  the most important factors we have to deal with when finding a partner. 

I have heard people say dumb shit like "top and bottom doesn't matter, its about love".  Yeah....sure, that's a nice fairytale you're living in there. Truth is, it does matter.  There are many strict tops, strict bottoms, and even strict versatile dudes.  These guys do not stray out of their roles.  Taking on the other role doesn't excite them, seem appealing, or even seem possible.  And you can't fault anybody for this.  But for some reason we like to call guys close-minded and selfish when he doesn't want to step out of his sexual role.  I understand love should outweight all factors, but you are not already in love with somebody you first meet. For example, I'm a bottom.  I don't really have any plans to top anybody.  I have in the past, but it wasn't my cup of tea and not something I think I am willing to continue to do in a relationship.  I just don't understand why this is a problem with people.

I was conversing with this guy once and I brought up the subject of sexual roles.  He replied with this bullshit "I don't think thats important, we should just let it play out".  No. There is nothing that has to play out.  Nothing is wore than getting into the bedroom and both people are putting a rubber on, or both people are waiting for the other one to put the rubber on. All that can be avoided by having that discussion early.  Someone like me knows what all he is willing to do in a relationship.  The sooner these things are figured out, the less of a headache it can bring.  I understand love is strong, but I still think there are some things that people know they cannot wholeheartedly compromise on.  And sexual position can be one of them. 

What a Week!

Its been a minute (for me, anyway) since I last checked in. I have been hella busy with work, school (kinda), and vacation.  So its been stressful, yet fun.

Summer school started last Tuesday, and I went on vacation on Wednesday .  I had to work some magic to pull that shit off.   Turns out my professor is one I've already taken two times and he's quite fond of me. #jackpot.  I gave him a line about my family's vacation had already been paid for before I enrolled in classes. He worked with me and just said he'll count Wednesday and Thursday as one absence.  Luckily he had already planned to not have class on Friday.  Yo boy lucked out like a muhfucka!  I went to Florida with the folks.  All expenses paid by Pops...thank God.LoL Just sun, fun, and alcohol...I only wish my guy was with me.   My dad has always had this thing about visiting places during the week to beat the weekend crowd and the rush.  He always says "Call me strange, but I want to ENJOY myself while on vacation." Gotta love the guy.

It was good to get away and not be bothered by a lot of things...especially this strange love life of mine (although it has been looking up).  Me and Sly are really giving our best efforts.  After my last post and reading some of the comments, I had a very straight forward and specific talk about the issue of me not having any type of priority.  He took is surprisingly well.  He understood and has actually already put the shit in action.  Monday (the holiday) we planned to chill at his spot and Micha called and wanted to ride out somewhere.  The shit turned me on  how he was just like "Not tonight, I got something to tend to...holla".  Needless to say...somebody got the fuck of their life that night. LoL

Any readers who follow me know that there is a guy in my life that goes by "D-Boy".  Well, we aren't on the same level as we were.  Sly has completely taken over that position. We are still cool as shit, and we even went out to a mutual friends party.  I can tell he isn't too happy about what's goin on, and I haven't exactly told him about Sly...completely.  Why? I don't know.. The fucked up part about it is that I still have feelings for dude.  However, the realest in me knows we are  no where near ready for anything real and serious.

I can just only hope things continue to go well with everything and everybody.  It seems like I have so much "down time" lately with work and love and shit, that  I have forgotten how things feel when they are actually going well.