Feeling Myself (Not like that...pervs)

Lately, things have been going well for me....for the most part.  I haven't been stressing about a lot of shit I normally do and I just let things happen.  Work has been going well, especially since I cut back my hours.  I think after christmas I'm going back to full time.  My boss had decided to give me more responsibilities to "see how I can handle them".  I been knocking that shit out.  School has been good, my professor finally stopped picking on me (that bastard). Plus, me and D have been chilling hard.  I enjoy his company.  Me and Sly talk every few days, but I don't thnk we're even remotely ready to give this thing another go.  Oh yeah me and D are just FRIENDS...there's no relationship or commitment there.  But its all good.

I've been trying my best to just stay positive.  The past is exactly where it should be...in the past.  I haven't been worried about my sexuality and where it was gonna leave me in the future.  Because like the past, the future is exactly where it should be as well. I have realized that letting shit go is the best thing to do.  Instead of worrying about Sly and what he's feeling and doing...I've put that focus on me.  Call me selfish but my happiness takes precedent. 

The only negative is the death of my great Aunt.  It was a supposed accident but the family has no idea what happened and don't have any closure.  So its been bothering her children and grandchildren greatly.  Hopefully after the funeral service this weekend they'll have at least a little bit of closure. 

And I can't find any damn Peach Ciroc around here!!!  I need to feed my alcoholism! LoL

The Epiphany

I've been  a little MIA lately.  As usual...just a lot going on.  School, work, and we had a tragic death in the family.  My mind has been a hundred places, but its all better when you have a good guy by your side to see you through the rough shit.  I have written about this before, but now I feel I have finally gotten over it. I'm talking about my issue with allowing a guy to do certain things for me, without feeling like a little bitch.  It was always hard for me man. When D-Boy would pay for a meal, handle situations for me, or take too much of a lead in shit I would always try to stop him dead in his tracks.  I had the same issue with Sly sometimes.  I guess it was own insecurities about my sexuality, sexual role, and how I was viewed by the dude I was with.  I know it seemed crazy, but I couldn't help it.  I always want people to know that I am a man, regardless of who I screw behind closed doors. And sometimes it got in a way. But D had enough of that shit.

If you don't know, I love sushi.   D wasn't the biggest fan of it, but I turned him onto it.  So as a little pick me up he took me to this hibachi/sushi restaurant here in town.  It was he, I and a mutual friend. We had fun, ate good food and had a few drinks. Then it was time for the bill (my least favorite moment).  I tried to beat him to the punch, but he had a game plan. He told the waiter that we were together and our friend was separate.  And when I tried to pull my card out he shot me this look of death.  It almost scared me a little bit.  LoL  When we got in his truck I told him that I had it, it's cool.  Then he started.

He just told me that it's okay to let someone do something for you....as long as their intentions are good.  He told me that he does stuff like that because he cares and he wants to show it....nothing more or nothing less.  I was still a little hesitant because it seemed too much like a hetero-esque type situation.  He wasn't having it. He was like "Damn man, I just want you to know I can handle shit...I got yo back.  Its not that I think you a lil bitch, cause if so I wouldn't be with you." I must say, he had a point. He went on to say that " T, sometimes you just got to let people show they care man.  It's no different than when you have to desire to do something for me, when you bring me something to eat or something.  It's no different.   You don't think I'm a bitch, you just like my black ass."  It finally made sense to me.  And now it's cool. When he wants to take care of something I let him and I've stopped the bitching. LoL  His ass couldn't be happier.  It's a give and take though, so it's all good. I think I'm cured.

Sexuality Issues

This has been an interesting week...to say the least.  I broke it off with Sly, and he have been cordial, well at least we try to be.  He still doesn't quite understand why it is what it is, but he respects it.  I've been trying not to deal with him too much. If I talk to his ass everyday, what's the use of leaving his ass alone? Plus, my conscience won't let me. Yeah, I've been fucking with D.  I missed that muhfucka. (Tell you more about that later)

On top of that, I'm having female problems. Yeah, you read that shit right. This girl from class is really feeling your boy.  And it makes me uncomfortable, for some strange reason.  While I am still attracted to girls, it seems I have to be in the "mood" for it. Hell, the last time I had some pussy was about a year and a half ago.  And quite honestly, I haven't missed it that bad.  It's just...that a man can give me all the shit I need.  Not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally as well.  For some reason, I'm attracted to masculinity...heavily attracted.  I admire everything about a man; from his physique, his smell, and his attitude. However, a woman has things I like as well.  I love the essence of a woman, her sometimes soft demeanor and other things.  The problem is, these things don't satisfy my black ass alone.  Everytime I have ever been involved with a girl, I still needed and longed for a guy.  I never mixed the two, but I had the urge to.  The weird thing is, when I'm with a dude I'm completely satisfied...I'm not missing a chick.

Surprise,surprise...I know.  I think now I'm more of like a 80/20 bisexual (think about it).   The more I come to terms with my sexuality and the reality of it all, the more comfortable I become.  I'm slowly starting to face the reality that the typical married life with a woman and a few kids may not happen with me. It's a scary thought, but shit...its reality. No, I'm not coming out or anything like that...that shit is for the birds.  I'm just gonna take this shit one day at a time.

Nature Vs. Nurture/Adoption

Once again I have been in my damn feelings thinking about my future. More specifically, the future of my love and family life.  Who will I end up with (male or female), will I have any children?  If I am with a guy how the hell are we gonna pull that off? I am very open to adoption.  To be quite honest, if I was to get married to a woman I would want one of our children to be adopted.  Can't really explain why. I just know I would love to make a child's life better and show them the love they miss from their birth parents.

However, some people don't believe in adoption. And if they do, many people don't believe the relationship is the same as it would be with a biological child.  I must say I disagree. In the age old nature versus nurture debate I have always sided with nurture when it comes down to behavior and family connections.  I believe that if you actually put the effort into bonding with a child, or anyone for that matter, you will find you have a close connection that couldn't be any closer if you were related by blood.  Granted, I don't know too many adopted children/parents personally.  But those I do know, have connections with their adoptive parents that I have with my own father.  My cousin and her husband has an adopted son (she's unable to carry a child safely)  they have had him since he was a few  months old.  After a while her and their adoptive son began to have that mother/baby bond we all see.  He could be in the back room of the house and when she would come in he was able to sense her.  He would start squirming around all of a sudden and whining until she reaches him.  All of this, without even seeing her.  This is something common of mother and baby, the baby can feel the mother's presence.  Although not her biological child, she nurtured him as a mother.  Hell, most of us are closer to our best friends than most members of our actual family.

I have always sided with the nurture side because I have seen it take precedent over nature too many times. Think of children close in age, growing up in the same home, had educated and successful parents, given the identical opportunities, but chose different paths.  One chooses drugs and violence and the other chose education and a career. Clearly his or her outside influences persuaded them away from the ways of their family. This is why adoption doesn't scare me.  I know all cases of adoption aren't perfect and its totally unpredictable. But I'm willing to give it a try in the distant future.  It's the future itself that scares me.

The "S" word.

*does the dougie*

So, I'm officially SINGLE!  Hell yeah!  (I'm cool now...hopefully it'll stay that way)

Man, it's like so much unneccessary stress is off my shoulders.  Trying to please myself and that muhfucka was not working. It wasn't easy and it took me damn near a week to work up the courage to actually talk to him yesterday.  Fortunately, he already knew something was up.  He knows me, so he seen I was acting different, talking different and wasn't being me.  I couldn't help it, I knew the situation was fucked up and the shit had to end before we got to the point of disliking each other. So I just came out and told him how I was feeling. 

Earlier yesterday he hit me up and I told him we need to talk about some shit. His reaction was the typical "awww shit".  I kind of told him over the phone that I wasn't feeling this shit any more.  We ain't  vibing like we used to....or like we should rather.  I explained to him how I felt like who I am is not exactly what he wants and he can't accept that shit. Of course he insisted I was off base, and I was taking shit the wrong way.  We ended it at that until I got off work.  While I was at work Sly asked me come over when I got off.  At first I was like fuck no, I wasn't ready for that.  But I said what the hell ever and went.  We talked it over and told him how I feel AGAIN. I get so tired of explaining myself to him. I told him the same things I say on here.  I can't keep changing for you,  I can't keep compromising my self and you aren't doing the same.  I get tired of you trying your hardest to push me too far out of my damn comfort zone.  Then he went into all the shit wrong with me.  Man, I know I'm a fucked up individual...that's some shit I don't need any 2nd opinions on. LoL 

But seriously, it was kind of hard telling him face to face.  I told him that I still have feelings for him (cause I do) but we need to chill out because we need to work on some shit we SHOULD have done before we got this together.  He agreed, but he didn't think we needed to call it quits. I eventually made him see it my way. And we came to this "pseudo" agreement about the situation.  To sum this shit up, we bascially decided to give the relationship thing a break.  We're still cool, cordial, and all that.  He has this idea that it's just a break and we just chilling out for a minute.  But I'm not so sure.  Either way...my black ass is free! And yes I will be with D-Boy after work Friday.  I'm getting off work and meeting him and a few friends at the fair...then, well who knows.