Does it all stay the same?????

I have been known to have a lot of "Fuck It" in my system. Sometimes when it's necessary and sometimes it's too much.  I know it's not always the best to not give a lot of fucks, but I can't help it.  I was tested with this earlier this week.

I have an old friend (not fuck buddy/boo thing)  who is bisexual and he was one of my only gay/bi/dl friends, best friends really. We haven't really been close in a while due to him doing some fuck shit that I just couldn't forget enough to continue with the same friendship.  We had mutual friends, and we all live in different places now.  And after getting together with my big bro "Donny" when he came in town,  who knows him and lives in the same city...I heard some disturbing shit.   He was a little hesitant before telling me, but he finally spilled the beans.  My old friend (let's call him "Mikey) has been out there tricking off.  And by tricking off, I mean selling his body parts and sexual favors for money.  I couldn't believe that shit.  Honestly, it's not something I would have put past him...but not something I have ever though of him realistically doing.  I was immediately scared for him.  For the past couple of years my attitude towards Mikey has been "Fuck Him"...but now I feel he is in trouble.  I acted "hard" in front of Donny, like I didn't care and he deserves what ever he gets.  But in reality,  I rode back home in complete silence.  

Donny told me Mikey was advertising himself on various websites/phone apps and it was a CONSTANT thing.  He was offering services and wasn't mentioning protection.  It hurts, like seriously hurts.  Mikey is an extremely handsome, attractive guy who can probably have any guy he wants in a relationship.  I just don't know what would make him so desperate and what he can be going through to resort to having a fucking price list for "services".  I heard of this shit going on in the gay world,  but I never thought it would hit close to home. We come from similar families...HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS. His parents are more than able to help him, and they always have.  The last I remember, they had a great relationship.  

I just don't know what to do, if anything. I want to call him and help him somehow.  How?  I have no fucking clue.  But for one of the first times, the "fuck it" in my system is wearing off.  I feel like a horrible person, because I kinda threw him away after we had out disagreements and after he tried to work it out, I turned my back.  I don't know what to do.  Once again, excuse my random venting.  

I Ain't Shit....

There is just something about spontaneous sex that gives you a better not than the normal, planned shit.  And being with another guy just makes it that much fun/better. Sometimes when I get off work and out of class I want nothing more than to just be "taken".  SHIT!

Don't let the guy be waiting on you to get home, or you waiting on him to get home.  That build up makes for such a fucking experience.  You know I'm sneaky.  I'll start texting/sexting D freaky shit at 9 in the damn morning.  I want that dick hard all day.  I want that muhfucka to not think about shit all day but getting inside of me when he gets off work. Youh know how you start off with the "Good morning, have a good day" standard text...then the next thing you know you're sending a pic of you in some underwear.  He hates it, but loves it.  I will tease that bastard for 8 SOLID HOURS. Don't judge me.

One of the beautiful things about a relationship is what I like to call DOD...or Dick on Demand.  And when the guy is talented in that department, it makes it that much better.  For someone like me, whose sex drive is honestly not that high, when I want it...I WANT it. I send all that freaky shit and be at home waiting on him to get off work, ass clean and ready with no hesitation.  See, this is why I like dudes.  It's something about a man fresh off work, horny and wanting to take you down that I can't give up for a chick.  I've said it before, my black ass has to be able to submit to you....I don't like being in control all the time.

I'm actually in the middle of doing this right now.  I'm off work early and I am talking MAD SHIT in these text messages.  Come on 5 o'clock!!!!


 Yeah, I know I ain't shit.

Young, Black,Gay Ass Male

At work, being the youngest fucking sucks.  However, being the youngest and black sucks even more. 

The position I hold is not necessarily that of a direct supervisor, but we have people working under us who must answer/report to us (if that makes any sense).  Out of my 5 peers, there are 2 white women both over 30, 2 black women who I know have to be pushing 40, and one white guy who is maybe 28-30.  And then there's me 24 year old black guy.  I swear it's constant power struggle sometimes...and not even from the 5 I work closest with.  They respect my input, my knowledge, etc. Except for this one black bitch, who I'm sure hasn't had any dick in years. She's constantly trying to "test" me and prove points, but the bitter bitch is always wrong.  

The people who work under us are all older than I am.  Some have been there 10 plus years...doing the same fucking thing. Which for whatever reason, they act like is my fault.  I stayed in that area for a little over a year and moved the fuck on up out of there.  Some of them were pissed, and I don't know why.  They had the same opportunities.  Many of them constantly try to make my job hard, purposely fuck up thinking it's gonna negatively affect me (it doesn't).  I have had a few of them try to "call me out" in front of others, do half ass work,and get bad attitudes all for nothing. Hell, 4 of them have been written up/terminated while trying to fuck with me. Little did I know, they do it to not only myself but my 5 peers as well.  I can handle all of this, because my work speaks for itself.  The shit is laughable at best.  

But this issue brings up that gay shit again.  I work on the business end of a hospital.  It's full of fucking politics.  Right now I am a young, black, male with a branded target on my back.  I can't help them seeing that I'm young, that I'm black, or that I carry around a penis.  But I can hide the fact that I am bisexual (or as black people call it-Gay).  If I attached gay to my description, the shit would probably get worse.  I'll become "that young ass faggot" or "that fucking sissy" and I don't have time for that shit.  I would fuck around and lose my job.  Luckily (I guess that's the right word) I can move through society without my sexuality being known...but probably not forever.  

I'm just venting, this is just some shit that has bothered me for a few months since I accepted a new position at work.  I'm sick of these hoes. 

Little update/ tidbit and shit...

I'm not sure if I have shared this, but my significant other (D) knows about the blog now.  I accidentally brought it up in casual conversation...forgetting his ass didn't know.  No, I haven't let him read it all....just a couple of excerpts.  He told me to write more and stop bullshitting.  So with that being said, (as I know my tired ass has said before) I'm really getting back to writing.  Maybe everyday this week...I have a lot on my mind.

You know what I'm sick of???

I'm sick of us.  And by "US" I mean gay/bi/DL men who hide behind the veil of sex only.  Everybody is not truly just thinking about sex.  You can't tell me otherwise. Everyday almost, it seems like I see/hear a guy say he only wants sex and he isn't looking for a relationship or anything serious. You know, basic NSA fucking. While I'm sure there are some people who genuinely only want sex, I equally sure not all that claim this are being honest.

In my humble opinion, I believe that it is instinctive for people to want companionship.  I'm talking about romantic companionship...not just friends and family and shit. It's natural to want someone who is readily accessible (not just for sex). We want someone to have dinner with, to share our thoughts, feelings and have excellent sex with.  I'm convinced.  Not everyone who claims to not want this is being honest, can't fucking be.  But it's not their fault.

This lifestyle has fooled the whole, entire fuck out of us.  This little society has made us think that being a gay man, especially a black gay man, is just sexual.  Real friendships, relationships, love, etc is null and void. That shit is wrong.  We have been ingrained to run away from anything serious...and I won't even get started on actual LOVE.  The idea of being in a relationship with another gay/bi man incites so much fucking fear and resentment from people, that I know it can't be self taught. Homosexuality has been condemned in our society so much that we don't even believe in ourselves.  Being in love/a relationship makes being gay/bi real and many guys can't take that.  Having sex is very real as well, but you can have sex with someone and not have to deal with them anymore and not relive the moment. A relationship, however, is constant and you are always reminded that you are homosexual....every time you tell the guy you love him and talk to/text him everyday.  Its kinda hard to put into words, but I'm sure you guys get the gist of what I'm saying.

I just wish we would be honest with ourselves and just say "Yes,  I would like to be involved with someone with many fucking strings attached." Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are people that only want sex...I'm not an idiot.  However, everyone who claims to isn't being real. Miss me with that bullshit.