The Power Struggle (Top/Bottom)

One of the biggest obstacles I have faced in this lifestyle is the never ending power struggle that takes place between two men. In a homosexual relationship there is a natural, for lack of better terminology….”separation of powers”.  Meaning there is a clear distinction between the top and bottom.  More specifically, the idea of submission and domination in the bedroom.  For example, allowing someone to enter and penetrate you is slight submission…period.  Also, penetrating and entering someone is having a little dominance over them.  #Fact The problem comes about when this separation of power is taken outside of the bedroom.  (Think clash of the Titans)

This problem comes from the need to try to imitate heterosexual relationships;  where  the bottom acts as the woman and the top acts as the man.  That may be okay if your homosexual relationship involves a masculine guy and a more feminine guy.  Whatever floats that boat of yours.  However, when you have two average guys this shit becomes a problem.  You often run into situations where the top attempts to run the relationship and treat the bottom like his woman.  For example, he may want to make all the decisions, expect to be fed and cleaned up after, and expect the bottom to submit to his wishes in and out of the bedroom.  (For the record, I know that not ALL tops are like this) Also, there are bottoms who expect to be wined and dined, taken care of, and other things reminiscent of a traditional woman in a relationship.  

That shit doesn’t fly for someone like me.  Being a man, even though I am a bottom, I expect to be treated and respected as such.  But I have been in situations where tops don’t get it.  Now don’t get me wrong, I respect the guys I have been with in regards to their sexual position. I respect there need and want to be “the man”.  I know that sometimes I have to just let them have their moment.  Like I said, its natural submission/dominance…it just can’t go overboard.  I have touched on this in a couple of post about D-Boy where I’ve had problems with him taking control sometimes. (I’ve gotten better)  I had to really sit down and talk with him about my feelings and opinions on the subject and he started to work on it as well.  One thing a lot of tops don’t realize is just how they have natural desires as men to provide, protect, and to handle things…the bottom sometimes have these same desires seeing  as though they have  penis as well. Like I said before, if you have one of those masculine/feminine relationships you probably don’t have this problem.  But if you are like me and your relationships consists of two average guys you must remember to respect your partner as the man he is.  After all, him being a man is why you like him in the first place right? I would love to hear some others’ opinion on the subject.

Do's and Don'ts

My boy Cogito over at Black is Booytful posted an interesting post outlining his turn-offs, or "dont's".  I thought I would piggy back off of him. We all have some things, some normal, and some a little more quirky that turns us on and turns us off.  Here's a few of my do's and don'ts in sex and relationships.

DO:

Be aggressive.  Make a move.  Assert yourself. I'm can have a somewhat agressive personality and I need a guy who can handle it and dominate it when neccessary.  Not saying I want to submit to a dude and have that muhfucka thinking he's controlling me.  However, if you plan on climbing my back I have to know you can take charge when need be.

I have a thing more male legs, they are sexy as all hell to me.  Jut like how with girls I'm a breast man. For example, I love to see a dude in some slightly sagging shorts with some low top shoes and no-show socks.  Don't know why, but that shit is sexy...especially if those shorts are basket ball shorts.

Nicely done dreads can be sexy.  I have this fantasy of have sex with a dude with some long ass dreads and we are in the buck (missionary for those who didn't know) and this hair is hitting me in the face and shit.  LoL  I know that shit is strange....

I like a guy who is not afraid to smile.  And don't let a dude with a nice smile have some nice lips too.  He can get it right then and there. Real talk.  Like McDonals "I Love to see you smile".

You must have a sense of humor, quite a twisted one at that.  I like to have fun and say some off the wall shit.  You have to not only be able to handle it, but add to it and keep my ass rolling. 

Know when to be a respectable gentlemen, and when to be a freaky muhfucka.  I like a guy who respects himself as well as me.  However, sometimes that goody goody shit is not always necessary.  If you feeling a lil horny or something you don't have to make all this nice pleasant small talk. Shit, text me and say some shit like "Bring that ass over here" or "You got the dick rock hard".  Sometimes, if done at the right time and sparingly, that can be a turn on. We all have our inner nasty freak that needs to be played with from time to time.  I mean really, who doesn't like dirty talk?

DON'T:

I'm a man.  Always have been, always will be. So,one can assume that below my waist I have a penis and a ass.  I have looked thoroughly and I have yet to find a pussy. With that said, I HATE for a dude to refer to my ass as pussy.  Dude, you're fuckin another dude....deal with it.  If you want pussy go get a bitch, there are plenty I promise.  A dude said while I'm giving some knock me down (head) "So can I get some of that pussy?" I politely stopped what I was doing and left dude there hard dick in hand...that shit is a deal breaker. Petty....yeah.

Sorry, but I am not attracted to femininity in a guy.  I like men for a reason, I am attracted to masculinity.  Not knocking anybody, or judging anyone but I can get jiggy with it. I'm a bottom dude, and I can't get turned on by a feminine dude trying to fuck.  I know a lot of people feel like a gay/bi guy not liking feminine guys is hate and discrimination and all that jazz. I feel you and all, but a MAN is not feminine. 

Stop that beating around the bullshit.  I don't like a dude who can't say what he wants. I just don't have time for it. I know some people are shy, and don't want to come off too blunt or too strong.  However, it comes a time where you have to make a move and be confident in your shit.

Look, this ass is not a fucking pussy. Stop ramming the dick up in it like you don't have good damn sense.  Damn man.  I can't stand that.  Be careful with it.  I know its gonna be painful at first if you don't have what I like to call a  "field goal" asshole that is just gaping open or some shit. But damn don't be hollerin about "Don't run from it baby" if you trying to pile drive me on the first stroke.  I will get the fuck up.

The EX. Part 3- "Head" Games

One of my biggest pet peeves is people not taking personal responsibilities for their actions. You know, those people who always have something or someone to blame their bullshit on.  Don was repeat offender on this issue.

One incident in particular was the "He had almost gave me head, good thing he stopped" fiasco.  Yeah, this negro decided that is how he was going to present that shit to me.  We had, from the beginning, a very open relationship in terms of honesty.  Had to clarify, cause some people hear "open" and think you give permission to fuck around.  We were always honest with one another.  I didn't see a need in hiding anything big; its better to face a problem and try to find a solution than to let shit build up.  It was close to my graduation time and I would be leaving for school, which was six hours away from home. This is a big change from being only a hour and a half away. So as you may have assumed, that kind of info can lay heavy on somebody.

And Don was feeling that shit heavy. He never told my black ass though.  So much for honesty huh? He dealt with it by acting out.  He came to me one day during the summer looking like a sick puppy in the face and hit me with the foolery.  "Babe, the other night over Will's house this dude almost gave me head, but he stopped before it happened. So its all good."  You guys probably have the same dumbfounded look I had.  For some reason, it came of like he wasn't even there....like the dick in question wasn't even his.  I asked him what the fuck does he mean.  He proceeded to tell me that the lil dude was Will's fuckbuddy's homeboy. (Will is a piece of fuckin work...but thats another story). The dude was rubbin on him and the next thing he knew his dick was out. Again, like the dick in question was not attached to his body and he had no control. I immediately called bullshit. He went on to say that the dude was pushing up on him and he was feeling on him and shit and the dude pulled it out.  WHAT THE FUCK?  You couldn't stop the lil muhfucka?  He had the audacity to hit me with the "My bad" cop-out.  He basically said that it wasn't his doing, he had no control over the situation, and I need to be happy he was honest.

And no, this wasn't the first situation of him not taking any responsibilities for his actions. Nor was it the worst....just one of the most memoriable.  And every time it happened it burned me up on the inside. I just didn't get it.  After I calmed down  after a few days he opened up to me.  He said he was feeling nervous about me going to school (more specifically where) and what was going to  happen. Like I said earlier, we were close, real close.  We had gotten very used to each other and we were used to always being able to see each other. Now all that was changing.  This insecurity eventually led to our first real break up and shit.(I'll save that shit for later though. I don't want to flood the blog with this shit.)

The Ex. Part 2

When Don walked his happy ass over to me, I had this "what the fuck" look on my face.  I didn't know what he wanted.  At this point, I had only been with one dude. He would make number 2.  He came over and introduced his self  again, and asked my name.  I answered back and went back to what I was doing. Then he said something that made me say to myself "I can work with this".  He turned to me and said "Them muhfuckas on that game like its some good ass."  He showed me we have the same sense of humor.  I laughed a little and that opened up our conversation.

We talked about how we both knew AJ, school, and a lot of other shit.  That cold, unapproachable person I imagined turned out to no exist.  That taught me my first lesson of not judging a book by its cover.  I ended up shutting my computer down and getting wrapped up in conversation.  He was intelligent, opinionated, and was a great listener. The shit was strange. We were different as hell, but had so much in common.  Sitting having our talk, I didn't think anything of it.  I never think anyone is showing interest in me or anyone is feeling me. I just engage in conversation and shit, no biggie. I kept seeing AJ look over at Don and I out the corner of his eye smiking a little bit.  After about an hour of this his nosy ass gets up from the game and comes into the kitchen  trying to see whats going on.  He, unlike myself, immediately knew what was going on. He made a comment like " My bad, I'll leave you to muhfuckas alone, just grabbing a drink" We just laughed it off.

By the end of the night we had exchanged numbers.  The very next evening we stayed of the phone (which, by the way, I hate long phone convos) from about 10:30 that evening til about 5 in the morning.  He expressed that he was feeling me and thats why he wanted to talk to me.  I was shy as fuck and wasn't too sure. Well, that shit didn't last because within 2 weeks we were a fuckin item.  Things went well. He went to school about an hour and half away but it worked out well.  I became close with his mother as his "best friend" and he the same with my father.  His mother became like my second mother.  She was recently retired and juggled her time between home and her sick aunts house in the delta (about 2 hrs away). So we always had our own place and privacy. We grew close, and I mean very close.  This dude was my homie lover friend...best friend.  I loved him, I felt I could trust him and I invested and sacrificed a lot of shit with him and him the same.

Then, the bullshit started............

The EX. Part 1

I've been trying to write about this shit for a while, but I could never bring myself to do it.  Why?  Hell, I don't know.  I guess because its reminds me of somethings that are somewhat unpleasant. 

How I feel about "Don" can be summed up quite simply.  I hate him, but I love the fuck out of that dude.  He's a fucked up individual, but he is one of the best guys in the world.  I want to run him over with my car, then I want to nurse him back to health because I couldn't stand to see his bitch ass hurt. The actual relationship lasted 16 months.  Not necessarily the longest, but long enough to be significant.  However the hold this muhfucka had on me lasted much, much longer.  I couldn't get with anybody else or move on because I was so fuckin wrapped up in what we had and what we had still going on.  Even after we broke it off, we still acted as though we were together...which was one of the biggest mistakes I have made so far.

It all started in November of 2006.  I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. Don was 19, almost 20, years old and a college sophomore. We met through a mutual friend, without it being the intent to do so.  The only bi/dl friend I've ever had is a dude named AJ. He is quite older than me, at the time when I was 17 he was 24.  He was like an older brother to me. AJ had this group of friends who were all dl. And the shit kind of caught me by surprise.  I always heard of this vast underground "culture" of dudes, but never saw that shit in person til then.  The shit was nuts.  But one of the guys in particular I didn't care for too much.  I had only met him once, quite briefly.  He seemed kind of cold, distant, and even a bit arrogant. That's why when Don first initiated a conversation with me I didn't know how to respond.

It was a Sunday night before Thanksgiving. It was the first year our school granted the entire week out for the holiday.  AJ called and invited me over saying the guys were hanging out.  I always hung with them.  I've always ran with an older, more mature crowd.  All of these dudes were typical guys. After about an hour they pulled out the XBox and started a marathon of Madden and NBA live.  I despise video games.  I don't understand a grown ass man being wrapped up in a game. The shit baffles me.  Apparently Don felt the same.  He was watching them play and I was sitting at the bar on my laptop surfing the web and facebooking my life away.  We locked eyes once or twice, but I didn't think shit of it. Then the weirdest thing happened.  He got up from the living room and came to the kitchen and sat right beside me and struck up a conversation.  Like I said before, I didn't find him to be very friendly or approachable. But it turned out he was quite the opposite.

Fuck Your "Exceptions"

Real quick.  I refuse to be anybody's fuckin exception to thier little rules in love and life.  If you aren't normally attracted to me or someone like me, don't tell me.  Keep that shit to myself.  If I had a damn dollar for everytime I heard some shit like " I usually only like slim and small dudes...but I'm feelin you so wat up?"  What kind of shit is that?  Am I supposed to feel special or lucky that yo ass trying to holla.  Fuck no. So what if I'm a thicker guy, never stopped what most people call good looking guys from trying to get at me. Keep that wack game shit.

I just hate that shit man.  Its more offensive than flattering. Please, I need some honest feedback.  Am I being too sensitive?

Forbidden Fruit.

(I really just want to say fuck it and do me. But this damn conscience of mine is a muhfucka)

I have this guy named "Sly" that I've been conversing with for quite some time now.  Never had sex, and don't plan to honestly.  Two sex partners (D and Red) are enough for the moment...more than that and I'll feel like a man whore. Basically, very nice guy.  He intrigues me, and not in just a sexual way, which is hard with me.  I have this gift and curse of detecting bullshit from a mile away.  With Sly, however, I don't see any.  This dude is feeling me and he is a perfect gentlemen (that shit sounds like it came from a female...fuck it.) He has expressed his interest respectfully and I have informed him of my situations.  He has always been very accepting of everything and all of my bullshit.  I know he is getting his rocks off from other places, but the attention is flattering and quite enjoyable I must say.  May seem kind of generic, but I love the situation. My mind always has to get fucked first. ;) 

All of shit he does is the shit D lacks now.  Don't get me wrong, I damn near love that dude but the reality of it is that he doesn't do much "wooing" especially now that he know he has me...so to speak.  I ain't looking for no wine and dine type shit, but a certain type of attention is appreciated.  We never had that kind of ol' school type of courtship shit.  We met, were interested in one another, had sex, started this dysfunctional ass pseudo relationship thing, and the rest is history. Plus, I just don't think D can really leave certain women in his life alone and I'm not completely sure he's secure in his sexuality to himself. And that is an issue for me.  I feel if I can sacrifice something, you should too.  Yeah, I know it isn't easy and not always possible but as far as a relationship goes....I can't get jiggy with that shit. Sly, however, he's very secure in sexuality. He isn't out or anything, by a long shot, but he can admit that he is bisexual and he could very well end up with a man as his life partner.  

Now about the title. (I know you're wondering what the fuck the title had to do with shit said in this post. LoL) Sly is the ex-boyfriend of my female cousin.  Yep, he should be completely off limits....by my own standards anyway.  But I can't deny what's there with him man.  Not saying I'm falling in love, or we'll even take it somewhere further.  But during my celibacy time (which was short but sweet) we had a surge in communication.  He is a very interesting guy.  My cousin didn't respect him though.  The bitch has problems...if you aren't a ignorant ass thug she can't handle you.  And Sly is the direct opposite...kind of like a preppy intellectual but real cool.  I know I have NO business messing with this dude, but fuck that man...I have a clear mind and I want to explore other options.  I think I'm so attached to D because I'm used to him being there, he's like home.  Like how my ex from my one real relationship was.* But we'll see how this goes.-



*I'll build up enough courage to write about him one day. 

Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None- Part 5

Yes, it is officially over.  It just went down.  I'm sitting at the computer desk in bed while D-Boy got his ass over there sleep.  That muhfucka just does something to me...don't know what the fuck it is.  I got that damn booty call and couldn't resist that shit.  I was about to blow a fucking gasket.

It all started with a text...how fucking predictable. (Verbatim, just shortened some of it) Yeah,we can talk to each other kinda crazy at times.

D: Yo what you got up tonight since you off and shit and wasn't gonna tell me.
Me: My bad man. Not shit, and I knew yo punk ass knew my schedule anyway.
D: Yeah you right, and watch yo goddamn mouth.
Me:  the hell ever, and if i don't what the hell you gonna do
D:Put somethin in there so you can't say shit...good or bad
Me:So you think I'll let you.
D: how about you come ova and we'll see.
Me: So just like that huh...i already told you wats up wit that though.
D: Yeah, but I know you...you ready to give that shit up. come on
Me:Muhfucka you don't know me...but i'll be there around 9.
Me:Got some shit to take care of
D:I'll be waiting...hmu when you on the way.

And like that, I had just set up an appt to say fuck celibacy. It was a good run.  At least I know I can do it.  It may sound kinda lame,but the shit actually did help.  I was able to clear my mind  on a lot of stuff, and learn to separate love, sex, and other feelings.  Not saying that know I'm this brand new person with a new lease on life or no shit like that, I just have a better understanding of things.  I think I'll be cutting off a few people though, it seems outside of sex, or the desire of it specifically, is the only think holding me to certain people. There are no friendships with these people, no real conversation, or anything substantial.

After the text convo, I handled some business with my dad then ran to the shower.  I showered and got dressed and was headed out the door so fast my dad didn't know what the hell was going on.  LoL  That muhfucka was confused, but he knew I was going to do some shit....but clearly he didn't know the details.  I left the house in what I call "fuck gear".  I had one a t-shirts, some school sweats, a pair of airmax, with no underwear.  I wanted D to have easy access, and I didn't want there to be no confusion about why I was there. Shit, When I walked in he was laid out on the couch is his underwear and a t-shirt.  Guess we had the same idea.  He wasted no time. After about 10 mins of convo them pants came off and we went to work on that ass...literally.  The rest...as they say...is history.  Surprisingly that shit kinda hurt bad like a bitch, it hasn't even been a month and my ass was virgin like a muhfucka.  D says it always stays tight, but this was ridiculous.  Good for him, not for me. LoL

So I tried, I really did.  I wanted to go 6 months. Clearly I barely made one, but the effort and experience seems to be well worth it. I rambled enough, he told me to wake him up at one so we can go get something to eat.  I have a thing for what you call "breakfast food".

Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None- Part 4

So first off, this is some bullshit.  I'm horny, frustrated, have and attitude, and I think I'm gonna end up hurting somebody if I don't get some sex soon.  I really think that this upcoming weekend somebody is gonna get the fuck of their life.  Me and the porn site Papithugz are becoming best friends, and that shit can't be healthy.  My dick can't take it any more. LoL

Not having to deal with sex and dick, and the muhfuckas who supply it, has given me time to think about some shit, and face some shit. My nosey ass aunt always asks everybody the same ole shit.  While, at a party at another family member's house she asked me "So when you gonna start bringing your girlfriends around?"  That question has always bothered me because I am not ready to be honest with everybody around me.  I'm honest enough with myself and I think that's the most important thing at this point. I have a auto answer for the dreaded "girlfriend" question.  I simply say "I don't see the need to bring around every girl I date if I'm not serious with her. You'll meet the one I decide to settle down with maybe"....or something to that effect.

However, the innate smart ass in me wanted to tell me aunt- "Naw, I don't have a girlfriend but unlike you I have a few men trying to get at me".  But that wouldn't be right. I have been kinda snappy, and sometimes down right rude when asked that question.  Sometimes I just get aggressive on the subject for no reason at all, and its not fair that I project my own inner turmoils to other people. I think my biggest problem is the lack of gay/bi/dl or whateva the fuck you call it friends. I have to keep all this shit to myself.  I don't think you guys know how fucking therapeutic it is to be writing this shit.

P.S- I need to find someone to fulfill that fantasy with the smoking.

Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None- Part 3

DAMN...DAMN...DAMN #Floridaevansvoice

I need some bad. This shit has gotten out of control.  My frustrations have spilled over into areas of my life.  Like today in class, taking my last final.  I was eye raping this dude that sits across the room at me.  I mean, the shit should have been illegal.  I had all types of freaky shit going through my mind with this dude. The bad part is that he isn't all that.  Don't get me wrong, he is isn't ugly ass fuck...but not normally what I would call eye-rape material...if you get what I mean.

Then D was texting me asking what was wrong, was I avoiding him and shit.  I told him what was up already, I guess he thought I wasn't serious.  This muhfucka even  had the audacity to ask me who else I was fuckin.  Because in his words "you ain't gettin the shit here, so where the fuck you gettin it from"?  Which I don't understand because there is no relationship/commitment there.  Don't sweat me dude.  But damn, I need some dick man. Real shit.

Even if it's just giving some sloppy top.  Hopefully I won't end up getting my back blown out as a result (shout out to J. LoL).  But this no sex shit has got me thinking about all my fanatasies and shit.  Like for example, I always wanted to give a dude some good ass dome while he smokes a blunt.  Why? I don't know, that shit just seems sexy as fuck to me.  Then I want to hit the blunt (even though I don't smoke) and lead him by his hard dick to the bed and let him get it.  On top of that, I want to eat some booty....bad.  I haven't did the shit in a minute.  But I just want to tongue a dude down so good that muhfucka will try to get away.  

Sadly, I think next week (if not this weekend) I'll be fuckin somebody's son or daddy.  Oh well...I tried.  So I'm about to continue to drink this Ciroc and get my life together.

Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None- Part 2

Sexual frustration describes the condition in which a person is in a state of agitation, stress or anxiety due to prolonged sexual inactivity and/or sexual dissatisfaction that leads him or her to want more sex or better sex, or a state in which he or she is perpetually sexually aroused.----- Yep thats me

First off I'm going fuckin insane...who knew dick could be an addiction.  It has been about 2 and a half weeks since I've gotten some.  And this shit is already starting to effect me.  I usually have to run off of a fuck a week...if not two a week. So not having shit in two weeks is pushing it.  Don't get me wrong, I've gone two weeks without it, but I had the flu and shit.  This is different, this is by choice and my ass is going crazy.

Every time I have  little dry spell I turn into this, for lack of better words, unpleasant person.  Not intentionally of course, but sexual frustration has a habit of carrying on into other parts of my life.  When this happens my dad calls me a "smart mouth rude bastard".  Which is funny because I'm that shit all the time anyway. LoL  But I guess its more severe when I'm not getting any. I'm trying to last at least a month, but damn these muhfuckas around me are not making it easy.  I have received some hot ass BTW shots, and some freaky ass voicemails and shit.  I find myself getting on hard at the slightest damn thought.  I've been finding more and more people attractive.  Its like if you have a dick, you are sexy....that shit has to stop!!!!

I have one question though:  Does giving head count?  I mean, I know people say oral sex is sex and all that bull shit, but does it count in celibacy.  I ask this as a question of community service and philantropy.  They say if you don't use it, you lose it.  And my head game somethin serious, and I feel I would be doing a disservice to man if I don't share the experience.  And the first person I get my hands after this shit is over is going to get it!