Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None- Part 1

So the temptation starts!  This is some bullshit.  Red, from a few previous post, hit me up and said he wanted to go out and hang.  I thought cool, but I knew I had to be on my shit.  Like I said earlier, dude's sex is great...and it's hard to pass that shit up. 

He went to this little spot on the other side of town (of course, for obvious reasons).  Its one of those bar/grill places with some good ass food.  We went, had a few drinks, ate some good food and had some good conversation.  I swear this dude is a keeper.  Even though the evening was simple, we had a great time.  I guess its because he isn't pushy or no shit like like.  I informed him of my celibacy vow before he even asked me to chill, because I didn't want it to be any confusion.  I feel that honesty is the best policy in this situation. Nothing is worse than getting to "that point" and finding out someone isn't sexually active or you both were aiming to take the same position that night. I wanted him to know what was up as early as possible. He was really cool with it.  He understood why, and he supports it.  I'm  not surprised though, while the sex is good, he isn't all about that...he's just fine without it. (And I'm sure he's getting it from hella other places, but thats none of my concern)

However, he did try some slick shit once we got in the car.  Since I'm not out, I don't fuck with that PDA shit.  No public displays of affection over here. Normally he's worse about this than I am. But when we got in the truck dude kissed me.  I'm not talking about a peck or nothing like that, but he was damn near tonguing me down.  Then he moved to my neck, which is one of my sweet spots.  I had to stop him before it got too late.  When I asked him what the fuck was wrong with him, he said "My bad, I was making sure you weren't bullshitin with me about what you said earlier." I told him I wasn't and we both laughed it off. I was sure that when we got back to his place to get straight in my car, cause it not...my whole celibacy promise to myself would have been gone out the window.  But when I got home  I popped in some porn so I'm good. LoL But ain't nothing like the real thing. What have I gotten myself into?!?!

What's Love Got To Do With It?!

The most precious gift that we as man were given was that of love and companionship.  Going to the Bible, I believe in the second chapter of Genesis starting at around verse 17 or 18 (my good book is in the car) it states that it is not good for man to be alone.  Oh how this holds true.  However I think people seem to forget it sometimes.  It seems that today it is "in" to be alone, and "do your own thing", to not worry about labels, and not commit to someone.  Total bafoonery.

I came to think about this while at the hell hole (work).  I work in a hospital and we have a lot of patients, some are regulars and you somewhat get to know them.  One patient in particular, we'll call him Mr. Jones, was there visiting his doctor after his knee surgery.  He is a very,very nice looking, youthful even 51  year old guy...and his wife is a looker too. His total hospital stay for his surgery lasted about 2 weeks, and I somehow always got assigned to him.  Upon this visit, we were sitting waiting for his wife to come pick him up from his appointment. We got to talking and the issue of his 29th wedding anniversary came up.  He spoke so highly of love, marriage, commitment, and the future of it all.  His exact words were "Man, there is nothing like love...real love. Not that fake shit...excuse my language.  Having someone there to support you, get you in check when they need to, and just be a friend...ain't nothing like it."  For some reason is really stuck with me.  It really let me know that love is indeed real, and it is in one's grasp.

Now days, it just seems like people don't want that.  If I had a damn dollar for every time I hear somebody say some wack shit like "I ain 't trying to be held down", "I don't believe in marriage", or "I don't believe in labels within a relationship".  Bullshit.  And that last one really burns me up.  How is a relationship one at all without a TITLE of relationship?  Also, if we don't have a title what sets me apart from someone who is simply your friend, or someone else you happen to be screwing? Not shit, thats what. Titles don't ruin relationships, people who are afraid of commitment ruin relationships. And being against calling someone your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance' etc. just shows you can't commit to them. Mr Jones, let me know there is nothing like having someone you can depend on, trust, and most of all commit to.  Love is beautiful, and even if it doesn't work out in the long run.

 Ginuwine said it well:

Girl I know your pain,
And it hurts so deep,
I've been there before,
But baby you will see
That we've all been hurt,
We had our falls,
Bedda to have loved,
Than not have loved at all

The Unthinkable/ Finals week

Yeah, I think I'm gonna TRY to do the unthinkable...go celibate.  I know, I know...that word is blasphemy.  LoL  I did it once, I lasted about 4 months, temptations and all.




The recent events in this fucked up love life of mine has caused me to reevaluate some things. No, I don't think sex, or the excess of it specifically, is too blame. Quite honestly, sex is not a big deal to me. However, I think I haven't spent enough time lately on myself and whats going on with ME. I blogged about this recently.  But the problem is, I don't know what the problem is. What I mean is, I don't know what has caused me to put some shit on the back burner, and worry about others' feelings so much.  I have always prided myself on not attaching sex to feelings, but I'm gonna do away with it for a while and see if anything changes. I was thinking that the reason I just don't find a relationship stimulating right now is because nothing is gonna set it apart from "special friendships" I have, or have had, with other people.  I haven't been a male whore per se, but I haven't been holding the goods hostage either.  Its gonna be hella hard, and I'm not making myself any promises.  Now, there is clause in this.  If certain people try to get it, its all over...just being honest.  Some dudes I won't be able to pass up. So I will be becoming a porn addict...more than I already am. So if anybody knows where to peep some hot shit, feel free to let yo boy know. Fellas, this oughta be interesting.

FINALS!!! Next week is finals time. And one in particular is gonna kick my ass. My prof has already given us what he likes to call a "FINAL SNEAK-PEEK". The sneak peek has my black ass nervous.  I have a low  A/High B avg in the class (Human A&P 2), and this final is really gonna determine a final grade of A or B.  If my GPA drops below a 3.5 somebody's ass is gettin kicked. 

Then there's my sociology final, which has two ridiculous parts.  It involves a written report and a group presentation.  The report and presentation are on two completely different topics, so its like I'm just writing about the presentation. Yeah, its basically two different, equally difficult assignments.  Plus, I don't like working in groups. There is always someone who doesn't do shit, and there's always someone who tries to do too much. Muhfuckas just can't get it right.  The worst part?  When  country wicked bitch of the south (my teacher) announced it, I swear I seen her smirk.  #IHateHer

Thanks for reading my rant.
Stay tuned for the "Celibate Chronicles: Trey Ain't Getting None"

Not the Right Time

Had a great weekend, 3 days weekend with no school or work!  Yo boy was excited.  I was finally able to chill out and grab a drink, or two...or three ;).  Let me stop bullshittin, I was drunk as hell Friday night with my brother, cousin, and their friend.  And their friend, that muhfucka is FINE.  I couldn't stop looking at dude...but that's another story.  Plus, dude provided the liquor.  He could've got it, and he doesn't even know it.  I just wanted to kick my brother and cousin out and jump on dude. He's lucky I wasn't drinking anything brown. (Excuse the man-whore coming out of me tonight) But he did say he was going to wash and wax my car with this special black car wax shit, so I will be able to chill with him again. He just don't know.( I just needed somewhere to vent this shit.  Clearly I need a couple bi/dl friends...)

I finally had "the talk" with D. It went better than I initially expected.  I let him know my hesitations, my concerns, and my honest feelings.  He took it well.  As a result, he told me his as well.  Needless to say, we both have quite a bit to work on.  Some we can work on together, and some we need to work on ourselves before we bring someone else into the picture. It was a very honest conversation, and we both may have heard things about eachother we probably didn't plan on hearing.  For example, I didn't know that he was talking to his would-be baby's mother (she miscarried) and she has a hard time realizing its over.  I knew they were cool and all, but I didn't know the extent.  That's why I stress communication; like in my recent post.  If I hadn't have had this conversation with him, I wouldn't have known it all.

 I came to the realization that I probably don't need a relationship right now.  I want one, but there is a big difference between needing and wanting something. D is a good guy, and I'm sure he'll make a good partner.  Just not right now.  Like I said earlier, we both have things to work on before we decide to take this thing one step further.  When I love, I love hard and I want it to be right.  However right now, its not the right time. Not to say that I'm going to be fucking around more or anything, but I'm not going feel obligated to D anymore.  Sometimes I felt like I was committed to this dude and didn't do certain things, or felt bad about certain things I did with other people because I was thinking about him.  I wasn't fuckin every dude that tried to get it, but I had a few fun times.  And after our conversation, I found out he has too...a lot more than me it sounds like (but thats another post coming probably coming tomorrow). The good news, there is this Latino dude I've been talking to for a few months (yeah, I like all flavors)...may have to test the equipment. LoL

So, I think I'm slick

So I called myself running a lil game on D-Boy today.  First of all, our work schedules are totally opposite.  I go to work when he is at lunch, and he gets off work when I go to lunch.  May seem like a recipe for disaster, but we make the shit work.  So today once I got out of class I remembered the old sayin "A way through a man's heart is through his stomach".  I thought about actually cooking something, but yo boy was pressed for time and didn't wan to be all dramatic and shit.  I ended up going to one of his favorite little spots that serves wings and bomb ass sandwhiches.  I remembered he likes the club with light mayo and cooked onions.

The only thing was, the restaurant was by my place way on the other side of town from where he and I worked.  So I had to leave school, go past my job, go all the way home basically, then back to his job.  Man, that's a lot of fuckin driving.  But I played the shit off like it was nothing. I called him after I had picked up the food and was on my way. (Yeah we talk to eachother a lil crazy...but that's how we bond)

"Hey, what the fuck you doin?"
"Depends on who the hell wants to know"
"Whateva man, I'm bringing you something to eat...and I don't care what the fuck you have to say about it."
"Thats wassup, but I can't eat it out here...gotta wait til we get to my place, unless you just freaky like that all of a sudden."
"Get yo mind out the gutta...but I will take you up on that offer.  But for real I got you a club sandwhich and shit from yo spot...I'm about to drop it off."
"Damn, for real?  Appreciate that baby...you didn't have to do all of that though"
"Its cool, I was in the neighborhood...didn't inconveinence me."
"Who the hell says in the neighborhood? But hit me up when you make it here...I'll come out and get it."
"Gotcha"

Yes I said "in the neighborhood" knowing I was no where near that damn place.  I played it off like it took no effort.  BULLSHIT.  Man, I was speeding to and from the place, almost late for work,  and had to change into my uniform  in the parking lot and give somebody a free show. But surprisingly I didn't mind, I just wanted to do something nice and showed that I cared.  And that shit worked. LoL He couldn't believe I remembered just how he liked it. Yeah, yo boy got a lil game. 

Communicate Damnit!

Communication is key...and its clear that we have forgotten that simple shit. It is the difference between sadness and happiness.   I look at my own situations, and those around me and its becoming more and more evident that we don't know how to communicate with our significant others.

First off: We need to realize that there is no such thing as mind reader.  Sorry if Ms. Cleo and the psychic friends have fucked your minds up...but it doesn't exist.  Think of how many times you've heard this bullshit "He/she should just know whats wrong with me, they should know what they did to upset me".  That's crazy.  How is someone supposed to know all of these things about you if you don't tell them. So you think that just because you two are together they know you inside out and better than yourself?  Get out of that childish, misleading ass fairytale. People only know, and are aware of, what you tell them.  We wonder why (myself included sometimes...we keep it real over here) we can't make shit work with anybody. The main problem is the lack of communication.  If you have a problem, issue, or even suggestion within your relationship you have to express these things with your significant other. I've always been told that a closed mouth does not get fed and I promise that old cliche holds true more and more everyday.

One of my readers, that goes by the name of "J" made an excellent suggestion.  One of my recent posts included a list of things that made me a fucked up partner.  He suggested that I share this list with the next person I chose to pursue a relationship with.  Honestly, it initially scared me.  I have an issue with being open with my feelings (que the violins...) especially with a love interest. But after the "fright" part of it simmered down, I realized that it made a lot of sense.  I mean, how can someone work with me through something if they don't know what the fuck they are working on.  Think of it like this: Your professor ends class by telling you about an exam and homework assignment but doesn't tell you on what material.  You'll be confused as a muhfucka, and there is no difference within a relationship.  How can someone you are interested in work with you if they don't know what they are working on.  I don't know if "J" intended for his comment to light this damn lightbulb in my head...but it did. Good looking out bruh.

(All of this reminds me of an old Xscape song -Understanding)

What I need from you is understanding,
How can we communicate,
If you don't hear what I say.
What I need from you is understanding,
So simple as 1-2-3,
Understanding is what we need.

ME Time

*Before I get into it....I want a tattoo.  I have a location in mind, cause it can't visible due to my job. I don't want to be tatted like the pic above...that shit was just sexy. But what exactly is what I'm stuck on.  I don't want to be like everybody else and get some random shit that I'm not going to give two shits about next month.  I was thinking about a tribute tattoo to my deceased mother...but not a typical one.  So if anyone has any ideas, or know of a place I can get some ideas let yo boy know.  *

So next Sunday is Easter.  I have been invited to "Nikkis" House (From the post-I used to love her).  I really want to say hell no.  I feel like this roller coaster we have been on has reached the end of the ride.  I can't deal with her fucked up ways, my own issues, and still put on a happy face.  I just can't do that shit anymore.  It seems like the older I get (yeah I know 21 is young, so what) I realize that my happiness is actually important.  Go figure.  I don't want to have the attitude like fuck everybody else, but it comes a time where you have to worry about self.

I was sitting here contemplating turning her down or making an excuse of why I couldn't make it, and then the shit clicked.  How in the hell can I be worried about this muhfuckas feelings when I haven't taken care of my own yet. There is just no logic in that. Yo boy has his own issues (just read some of the post in this bitch).  I can't deal with her right now, and I know good and damn well I'm not feeling it. But since I care about her, and we have what people call "history" I don't wan to be rude and hurt her feelings.  But who's worried about my feelings.  Certainly not this chick, I'm sure. Not saying she's a bad person, but I'm sure if she was having the same feelings she would take care of herself first. Now its my turn.

Then there's D-Boy. I've been somewhat dodging seeing his ass for the past few days.  I've had the time, but my mind is fucked up right now. I've talked to him daily, just haven't seen him.  Between him, Nikki, and Red....my emotions have been put in a blender.  And it makes me wonder, are these same people thinking about me...am I on THEIR minds.  The only one I can safely assume yes is D-Boy (thats a sign huh...i know).  At this point in time I'm tired of being alone.  I mean, I can be alone and its all good...but some definite companionship would be nice.  But like in my last post, there is some shit I need to work on first. I'm sure D-Boy is worth it, but I don't want to hurt anybody else. On the other hand...FUCK THEM.  I need to look out for me....bout time.

Self Realization

I've came up with a list of shit that would make me a horrible partner. Why you ask? If I plan on pursuing the idea of a relationship, I need to be honest with myself and work on some shit that would make a guy leave my ass.

* I'm selfish as fuck. Not necessarily with money or material things. More so with my time and attention. I'll mess around and make somebody feel unwanted. #Disaster

* I'm a busy lil muhfucka. I work full time, and I'm a full time student. On top of that I work nights and most weekends. I really just don't have time for yo ass. I hate that old saying "People make time for who and what they want." Bullshit. Sometimes there isn't anytime to make.

*It's gonna be hard to give certain dicks up...to be blunt. I like the freedom of knowing that I can basically fuck who I want, when I want, and not have to answer to anybody but myself. If somebody is acting up, I can just go to the next one.

* I'm too used to my freedom. I know a relationship isnt lock down, but it does come with some readjustments. I have to get used to a muhfucka asking me questions and actually having to answer them.

Eventhough this list may seen like a deal breaker, I think with the right amount of focus I can work.through these issues. I know some people spend a lot if time looking for some of the muhfuckas I have trying to get with me. I just need to man up.

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Not Slick

The most interesting part of the DL lifestyle would have to be the guys who try and get at you on the low, waiting on your reaction.

While at work waiting on the elevator from hell, (its a fucking 10 min wait) I run into a guy who always has something to say to me. I mean, he will find any excuse to have a little convo. I never thought anything of it, cause I'm one of those people who is virtually blind to advances. But this one I seen loud and clear.

"Shad" was standing at the elevator door waiting for it to go down, and I came and hit the down button and it immediately opened up. I simply said- "Looks like l have the magic touch huh" Innocent right. This guy replies "Oh really, I bet you do" Then he smiled. I just said " Yeah man" And smiled back. This muhfucka said "That's wassup. We'll see." No sir, we won't. I like bald brown skin dudes and all...but one work fling is enough.

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Confusion is a MF

So tonight I got suckered into a booty call from the co-worker "Red" I mentioned in an earlier post.  I had originally stopped fooling with him sexually, but we were still cool. We talk all the time and hang out at work.   He is a really cool guy, and relationship material, but he has some jealousy issues. Thats what made me cease our physical relationship. (Or so I thought)  But dude has been on his P's and Q's lately.  And quite honestly, he just turns me the fuck on.  I mean, damn.  He has this aggressive, yet kind personality and he's into the more romantic lovey-dovey shit like myself. 

So when he called,  and invited me over when I got off work I was forced to oblige.  (By forced, I mean horny ;) This dude knows how to fuck, and I mean FUCK.  He had me all over the place.  The best part about it was that his tall ass could man handle me. #Score! This dude has a tongue on him that should be illegal.  I was literally running away from him eating my ass,  he had a vice grip on it....I wasn't going anywhere. Shit, I was almost done from the tongue.  The dick was like a surprise.  Dude laid it down. And afterwards we laid up, my head on his chest and talked...and talked....and talked. 

 Then I finally faced what the REAL issue is with this guy, and why I left him alone and blamed it on his jealously issues.  I like him, really like him. And no, its not because the sex is good.  I've had a lot of good sex, sex better than his even,  and never caught feelings. We come from similar backgrounds and have similar beliefs, yet we are very different.  He had expressed to me in the past that he had more than just sexual feelings for me, but I never entertained him.  When it came down to looking at a dude for a relationship, I kept my attention on D-Boy.  So now I'm at a crossroads.  I like D-Boy and I'm certain I could fall in love with the guy. But sometimes I think about how it has been a year and a half and it hasn't happened yet...and I wonder if we will even be able to work it out to get to that point. I've been dealing with Red for around 7-8 months, and I can tell he is good material...but I have more invested in D-Boy. I don't want to throw that away, and I don't want to ignore Red.  

I don't know what the fuck to do.  I like D, damn near love him, and have built up a solid friendship and trust with him....we just can't seem to get to the point.  Then I have Red, who comes and throws a curve ball at me.   This has made me realize it is time to sit down with D and have "the talk".  I need to know where we stand and what are his intentions.  I can't keep playing this uncertain game. Maybe Red is just a test, but rather I pass or fail is up to this talk.  Wish me luck! And any advice on how to start the conversation is greatly appreciated!!

Porn, Mans Best Friend

I would like to take this time to show my appreciation for the art of porn.  What would we do without it.  Porn has been there for me when other's haven't  I can always count on a good nut from porn, and the best part is the bitch doesn't talk back. I seriously don't know how people function without it.  Straight porn and gay porn, its all good to me.  However I lean more towards gay porn...duh.

If it wasn't for porn I would  be a bonafide whore, no need to sugar coat that shit. It helps me live out fantasies, stop me from screwing people I know I shouldn't, and it even teaches me a thing or two. For example, I love watching raw porn.  Its something that turns me on, but I wouldn't do it in my real life.  So I'm able to get my fix, without exposing myself to risk. The best of both worlds.

Enjoy!

Hot as Hell!!

Sexy ass 3-Some

See, That's the Problem

I have concluded that people have absolutely no standards. I'm convinced.  And I blame it on two things: Low self esteem and "thirst".


It seems like to get with some people, the only thing you need to do is give them a bullshit compliment and be kind to them.  I don't know about you, but that shit is not enough.  For example, I have a female cousin who is young, has a successful career, and is buying her own home. However, she has this no-good, bum ass guy living with her.  He has no job, and I'm sure no intentions to get one.  He doesn't cook, clean or contribute to the household at all.  She buys his grown ass games systems, games for said game systems, shoes, and clothes.  Now I understand love is not about what the other person can bring to the table materially, but there needs to be some kind of positive coming from being with someone.  If someone doesn't work and you are taking care of them the least they can do is cook, clean or something.  This dudes does NOTHING. And if you ask her about it she comes up with this bullshit  "But I know he loves me, he treats me well, and makes me feel beautiful."  Bitch, I bet he does. If somebody was taking care of me like that I'll make them feel like an Adonis too. Its clear her self esteem is low.  She can do sooooo much better but I guess she doesn't know it.  Its people, especially women, like her that make it hard to find somebody worth something.  Because people like her make others, especially guys, feel like the only thing they need to bring to a table is sex and a compliment. And don't even get me started on the obsession over the THUG . Ever wonder why so many black men don't have shit going for themselves? That's why, because in order to be taken care of and get routine sex they don't need to do anything. 

The thirst, oh my the freakin  thirst.  We always hear about a chick being thirsty, or desperate, for a man or significant other.  But I'm here to tell you that men take the prize on this one.  Pretty much all of my friends are males, straight males.  And I promise you, no exaggeration, they will fuck anything that offers them a nut. It's like so many men have fallen victim to the idea that value of your manhood is achieved by sleeping with as many people as possible.  They don't take into the account anything else but the sexual gratification.  And this causes them to compliment and try to "holla" at some of the most busted, dusty foot looking females and dudes around.  I mean damn, I don't claim to be shallow,  but dude have some standards.  They build up some people as if they are the best damn thing walking and they don't have shit going for themselves.  They are unattractive, uneducated, and materialistic. All three things that should make you run the opposite direction.  But a majority of men, in the name of pussy, ass, or dick will run after these nothing ass people and make them think they are more than what they really are.  Ever wonder what happened to the virtuous and phenomenal women?  They disappeared because they don't have to be these things anymore.  Now, all they need is a pussy and half of the guys they run into will be willing to sleep with and wife them up.

In no way am I saying one must be shallow, or over selective in love.  I'm simply saying hold prospective significant others to a higher standard. Don't get me wrong, I've fucked the occasional thug or dope boy but didn't make them my man.   A pretty face, a nice dick, and big ass is great but that doesn't constitute substance.  Make someone work for you, make them earn you.  Have simple standards.  If someone doesn't have to work for something, they aren't going to appreciate it long term.

Wait my ass!

Since I'm still waiting on him I wanna tell you about this waiter.  This muhfucka was a bold lil asshole.  I could tell he was probably gay, and more than likely a bottom.  Yeah, I judge. But about half way through our meal I realized  he was coming around too often to have other tables.  And not only was he coming around but he was always in my dudes face. "Do you need a refill, you need a napkin, is everything okay, etc".  And all of this shit was directed  at D, not US as a table.  In the meantime my glass had been empty for twenty mins and this muhfucka ignored me when I asked  for a refill.  I'm a posessive muhfucka when it comes down to my "pieces".  We may not be in a relationship (to my knowledge anyway) but I'll be damned if you try some slick shit.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so afraid of my business getting out.  Cause my patience was being tested.  I had to tell homeboy in the middle of his sentences that we'll holla at him if WE need him.  So yeah, yo boy was acting a lil jealous.  And D just loved that shit. Ole boy got lucky and didn't even know he was in danger. I'm a damn good lover, not a fighter...but don't push me!!!!

A Date?

Tonight I went on a sorta-kinda date with D-Boy.  Of course I had to put my pride aside to let it all happen.  This was one of my few days off work during the week and he wanted to take me out.  Because of shit that had went down in the past I quickly agreed.   Sometimes the whole going out with some dude thing makes me uncomfortable. But I said, fuck it.

Before I get into tonight, let me tell you about what happened in the past the last time. Me and D had planned to go out to this sushi bar to eat and have a few drinks. He offered to drive and come pick me up, and I said I would just meet him there. (Strike one) Then, once the bill came, he tried to pay for all of it and I wouldn't let him. (Strike 2 and 3) Little did I know that shit offended him.  Cause when we got outside he told me to come to his truck and get in.  And that nigga let me have it!!! LoL And not in a good way ;).  He just sat there, looked up and took a deep breath then laid into me "Why the fuck won't you just let me do for you?  What is yo damn problem. I'm trying to be the man and shit and you won't let me. Whats up with that?"  Now imagine this being said in a holler and the muhfucka screaming being 6'5. My black ass was speechless....yeah, ME, speechless. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about and quickly got my ass to my own car.  He didn't talk to me for a few weeks after that. (Can't blame him. LoL) I have this thing with a guy thinking I'm the "girl" in the relationship.  You fucking me doesn't make me a bitch, or your bitch.  And a dude picking me up, paying for my meal and shit makes me uncomfortable.  I'm a grown ass man, I takes care of mines well.  And it hard to relinquish that control to somebody, another man more specifically.

Tonight however I took a big dose of fuck it and let it happen.  I drove my car to his place and rode with him to this italian restaurant that he picked for us to go to. (Which was hella good by the way). And I could immediately tell that he liked how I let him take a lil control. And to be quite honest, it felt kinda good to me as well. Eventhough being seen as the "girl" bothers me, I like for the guy I'm with to be a little more dominate, I like to be held, and I like to feel safe with him. (Damn that sounds gay. LMAO!  But true) Once we ordered, the waiter (this muhfucka here....tell ya'll later) asked if it was together. D hesitated at first but he read my face and said "It's together".  Once the meal was over he paid without me resisting and the biggest smile came across his face.  On the way back to his place we talked about how this time was different and then he said something thats kind of fucking with me "Thanks for actually letting me act like yo man without tripping".  My man?  First off that shit doesn't sound right to me for some reason. Secondly, I'm not sure what he thinks this means now.  Are we supposedly together now or something.  Cause if so, I didn't know nor did I agree to that shit.  Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I don't know.  I never claimed to be an Einstein when it comes to love and relationships. 

But what I am indeed sure about is that bomb ass dick that muhfucka just got done laying.  Damn.  I need to let that dude be "my man" more often.  I mean, dude kissed and licked all over my body, ate my ass for what seemed like hours and was long dicking your boy.  And the shit lasted soooo long.  Talk about wore out...but in a good way.   He had my favorite music playing.  Man, I think that was love making...not fucking.  I'm waiting for him to come back from taking his boy to work.  Let's hope there is a round two when he gets back. LoL

Are you worth it?

So i'm still up and still thinking. Last week in one of my classes we got into a very interesting conversation.  The topic: Are you who you are looking for?  Will you date yourself?  Needless to say it caused quite a stir.  It's something I feel we should all think about when looking to be with someone. Are you worth being with?  I wanted to share two of the main types of responses we had in class.

1.  We had a lot of responses, mostly from guys surprisingly, where people said they would be looking for someone who was better off than they were.  Their reason was to have motivation to work toward a goal, to have someone who was stable, etc.  I called bullshit on a lot of these.  Sounded like a bunch of gold diggers and sorry ass dudes looking for a woman to take care of them like their mothers did.

2. A lot of people wanted someone who was at very least equally yoked.  They didn't want anyone they would have to help and build up financially, or anyone who would be depending on them.  A lot of these responses were the most common sense, in my opinion anyway. Although some of these responses were a little limiting.

My opinion?  Basically, I don't believe you can ask for anything in someone you can't offer to them.  If you have high standards and qualifications, what makes you think the person that meets these qualifications don't have equal standards.  For example, if you live with your parents, don't have a job, and barely have a vehicle...how can you ask for someone who is stable, independent, and financially secure? Why would they not want the same things you want?  I know that people have unfortunate situations/experiences that would cause them to fall off their feet for a while. I also know that you can't limit your options.  However, the truth is nobody wants a bum ass person.  And don't get me wrong, living at home with parents, and not having a lot doesn't make you a bum...its your mindset.  But if I'm in school, living at home, work a full time job, have my own mean of transportation I need for you to have at least the same.  For example, I can't ask for a dude to have his own place because I don't.  We can work around that shit. But he needs to at least have the other aspects of his life together.

Personal Dilemma

(So yeah, I'm getting a little personal with this one)

So its 2 AM and I have to be up at 6:45.  I'm wide awake, can't fall asleep to save my damn life, and worst of all I'm thinking.  And I'm not even thinking about school, work, future career...but about my future romantic life.  I mean, who the fuck am I gonna end up with for the long haul? Man, woman, neither?  This is a topic that perplexes my ass quite often, especially now that I'm getting older and "real life" is becoming reality.

While I'm a bisexual male, I have faced the reality that I can live without a woman easier than I can without a man.  Meaning, I can promise fidelity more to a man than a woman.  I can be involved with a guy, and be content with the dick and pussy isn't neccessary.  Added bonus, but not something to stress over.  However, if I'm with a chick, the pussy isn't enough....I start to need a mans touch, a mans attention, and most of all the man's sex.  I don't know why, and I wish I could explain it. But it gets to the point where I feel I have to step out on them. And the same doesn't go for when I'm with a guy.





I'm faced with the dilemma of which way to go in the future.  Can I build a life with another man and still keep those who are close and important to me?   Or do I marry a woman and risk be unfaithful and unhappy.  For the record, even though I'm not out, I'm am totally for gay marriage and don't see a problem with two people of the same sex building a life together and raising a family.  But my worry is how will those around me react to the situation? The obvious answers would be it doesn't matter what others think, but that shit is a fairy tale. A marriage/relationship is not just between two people, but between two entities.  That includes family, friends, hobbies and so on. There is no way you can be happy and content with just ONE person in your life.  That shit isn't going to happen.

A big reason this worries me is because I'm from the deep south. These close-minded, hypocritical, conservative muhfuckas around here (my extended family specifically) wouldn't make that shit easy.  And their judgements and attitudes will drive my black ass insane.  There are some people around me I know wouldn't give a damn, like my father, my sister and brother. My mother is deceased and my father has been a single parent ever since and we are very close.   I know I'm young and shit, and I have time and all that...but your boy still worries over shit.

Hell, I don't know.

After spending a lot of time lately with D-Boy, I've been thinking about what all it would take to be in a relationship.  Not just with him, but anybody.  Like many people I am "stuck in my ways".  I'm so used to being single, I don't know how/if I can make the transition. 
My last real, significant relationship ended almost three years ago.  I've have a few since then that lasted a few months here or there. But those don't count, they were just to keep me busy. LoL But seriously, I've realized there is a hell of a lot that I would have to alter.  Here's a few I came up with really quick.

1. For example, I'm not accustomed to "answering" to anybody.  And by answering, I'm referring to keeping someone updated on my daily doings and comings and goings.  Like now, if D-Boy or someone else asked me where I was and what I'm doing I probably wouldn't entertain them.  However, I feel in a relationship you owe it to your significant other to answer these questions. Unless you're hiding something of course; but thats another story.

2. Your boy would have to do major, and I'm talking about MAJOR fucking house cleaning.  Fuck that, I may just have to change my number.  Not to make myself seem promiscuous (well, not that much anyway), but there are hella dudes texting and calling me weekly.  There are some I've fucked around with, some I haven't, some I want to, and some who don't stand a fuckin chance.  But honestly, I just enjoy some of their conversation, and I'm not afraid to admit that I like some of the attention.  I know, however, that this would have to change when it comes down to a relationship.  I know I would not be happy if my guy was constantly communicating with ex's, and ex fuck buddies....so I wouldn't want to do the same. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind dude having friends and some of those friends being ex's, but constantly talking to people who want to fuck you is not going down.

3.  The vulnerability!  Oh lord the vulnerability.  When I love, I love hard.  This shit is not a game to me.  All the bullshit that people try to make you fall for only irritates me.  I know everything is not perfect, and its no way its gonna be.  But, I also have enough common sense to know when someone is just playing around and don't love you like you love them.  Me loving hard has been a gift and a curse for me.  A gift, because the guys who I have been with know that I care about them and they never have to question it.  In return, they try their best to return it and it makes for a good situation.  A curse, because it makes it easy to get hurt after I've fallen for someone.  Also, because if my feelings, time, and attention isn't returned I feel like I've wasted my time.  And to me time is just as valuable as money.  I'll be damned if I waste either.

So I don't know if I can do it or not right now.  It just seems like so much fucking work.  I know anything worth having is worth fighting for.  But shit, I don't want to work for it....I just want it given to me. LoL  What else am I gonna do with my cake if I can't eat it? 

Along for the Ride

Like most people, I like to think that my sex game is the shit. I like to think my head game is some shit to be envied.  I mean, if I don't, the dude I'm with won't think so either. Think of sex of like a pleasurable game of give and take.  For example, if you want some head you gotta eat where you trying to stick it later.( But that's another post.)  But you know, at the same time, I keeps it real.  There is just some shit I can't get jiggy with.  Like if me and dude doing our thing and he wants me to get on top...I hesitate.  Its like I have this problem with "riding".  Not to be confused with not wanting too, but its just not appealing to me. Don't get me wrong, I know sex is not just about you and your pleasure, but your partners as well. But that shit is uncomfortable and I feel awkward.  That shit just feels extra gay.  I only pictures a bitch riding a dick, not ya boy.  Yeah, I know that shit probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me.  Maybe I just need someone to show me how its supposed to me done.  Any takers?! LoL

I need a J!

 Well, at least I would if I smoked.


But recent shit that's been going on makes me realize why people burn up.  Between my job, school, and people I foolishly choose to keep in my life...a guy needs a release. No Superman over here  Take school for example.  My simple ass sociology professor "lost" my damn assignment. Well in her words: "I don't seem to have the assignment that you presented in class, you may have to do it over.  And the grade will be a late grade."  The fuck?  How ass-backwards is that statement.  You clearly have recollection of the assignment, and you remember me speaking in class defending it. If anything, you should ask that I just print off another copy because your extra-regular ass lost it.  That bitch baffles me. And if this shit fucks up my A in her class, and causes me to not be exempt from the final, heads are gonna roll!!! *Evil grin, accompanied by evil laugh*

Then there is the hellhole also known as my job.  As I stated earlier I work in a hospital. I actually love my job and the people I interact with, both co-workers and patients. But my boss, or dictator, thinks people are Superman and fucking Wonder Woman. Apparently no one has a life outside of that damn job. Let's not forget the patients.  Sometimes those sick muhfuckas make me want to quit my job.  Half of them are faking it, the other half are over exaggerating.  I don't think any patient in my hospital is genuinely sick/ill. They are all part of a larger conspiracy to drive my black ass insane. And one day I'm gonna prove this. Watch and see.

Last but not least, the dudes I choose to keep around.  A few of them are some seriously good catches, and good fucks I might add.  But some of these muhfuckas ain't got shit going for them except a good stroke game.  Lets take "Mike" for example.  He is an older guy, well compared to me anyway.  He's 35, but seems like he has the mentality of an 18 year old.  He has a roommate, that he acts like is his damn father,   He's always having money problems, baby momma issues, and he's a possessive muhfucka.  If he fucking you,  yo ass is his and his only.  I'll be damned. Miss me with that shit homie. But me, being the accepting muhfucka that I am, keep fucking with him between time with D-Boy.  Maybe if I was down for a relationship, and found somebody I felt was worth the effort, I can stop this shit.  Until then...if the dick is good, I'm good.

(Whoa....that shit was therapeutic!  Probably still need that J though. LoL)

B.T.W Shots

BTW: Below The Waist

I'm know I'm not the only one who likes to receive the random  BTW, or below
the waist, shot?  You know when your phone tells you you have a multimedia message and you open it and up pops something like this:

Maybe its the perv in me, or the fact that D-Boy put it down the other night...but I just thought I'll share one of my fetishes. Good Day!

Perfection? Doesn't exist.

Clearly some muhfuckas are perfect.  Or at least thats what they would want you to think.  Like all these people downing people in the closet and on the DL.  Why? Because I choose to keep my sexuality between myself and only those I'm involved with?  If I'm not married to you...shut the fuck up.  Everyone has issues that make them imperfect.  For example, take a woman with three bastard ass children who is shacking up with some random ass nigga. You can't get more imperfect than that.  But as a society we are conditioned to accept this behavior more than two men or two women sleeping together.  People baffle me.  It doesn't make it any better that I'm from the south. These close-minded muhfuckas are so hypocritical its ridiculous. Now don't get me wrong, we all have hypocritical attributes. However, some people don't seem to want to admit to their shortcomings. And these same people, most times anyway, are tent times worse off than the bi/gay/dl person they judge.

Really. How serious is one's sexuality?  What I do behind the closed-doors of my bedroom should have no weight on my career or education.  Would we judge Obama if we find out that he likes to lick caramel syrup of off his wife's breast while having sex on the White House breakfast table?  Not really, because that has nothing to do with how he handles the economy and the middle east. As long as he is getting the work done, we could care less. Whats the difference with homosexuality?  There isn't one.  Homosexuality is just an easy target.  Homophobia is a "band wagaon" that people jump on to take the focus and attention off of their own fucked up lives.  So please, anyone who has judgement on the closeted/dl lifestyle...take a step back and point out your negative attributes.  And if you have JUST ONE, you have no room to judge.

Been There, Done That

So I work at a local hospital.  Big place, a lot of employees...but its a small world and everyone knows everyone.  People are there with their co-workers more than they are at home with the family.  I've always been one to never want to mix business with pleasure.  Meaning I wouldn't normally fuck with somebody I work with.  Of course that shit didn't last.  I like to think of my job as "The Chocolate Factory".  So much eye candy and temptation going on.  Not to mention that everybody, married and single, is sleeping with everybody.  The shit is like high school.

Of course I'm not out at work (not out at all for that matter), but I did break down and fuck with a dude that works with me. We'll call him "Red".  He's cool and attractive, with good dick.  Can't ask for much more. He doesn't work in my specific department, so I gave him a pass. LoL Shit, I'm only human.  The whispering in the ear, and the sneaking to cop a feel can only last so long before someone gets fucked- LITERALLY.
It was good while it lasted, but dude got crazy.  Like I said earlier, the big hospital is a small place.  And dude got the jealous bug over any dude, and most girls he seen me with.  I soon seen why his crazy ass was single. We cool now, but I had to chill it on the sexual thing with him. It may seem kind of fucked up, but I had this little sense of pride knowing I fuck with Red.  Some of the women at work get they damn panties in a bunch over this dude and damn near stalk his ass all over the hospital.  I just sit back and think to myself- "Been there, done that". Fucked up? Maybe Honest? Hell Yeah

Vibin...

Music helps me get through a lot of my bullshit, and helps from getting some muhfuckas ass' whooped.  I've always had and eclectic taste. Here is a few, check them out if they are new to you...

 

J.cole- One of the newest members of Roc Nation (Jay-Z's label).  Aside from being fine as fuk, dude is mad intelligent and is a true lyricist.  Seems like so much hip hop is dumbed-down now-a-days. He has a few hot mixtapes out there. No mainstream studio album...YET.

 

Wale- What can I say?  Dude is the epitome of "cool".  Like J.Cole, his music is more for the intellectuals. He has a nice mixture of more fun and mainstream music and more deep and lyrical. Gotta bump this dude daily.

Floetry- Deep and soulful. They perform a mixture of R&B and spoken word.  These chicks have some of the most honest tracks out there, something for everybody can relate to. Not to mention some of the best love making tracks out there.  Its a shame they broke up.  The singer, Marsha, has went solo and is making a name for herself.

Lauryn Hill- Self explanatory.  One of the best albums in the past 15 years.  She is one of the only artists who can weave effortlessly between rapping and singing.  A true lyricist as well.  I wish her heart was still in it.

Jay Z/Jigga/Hova- I mean, what can I say?  I was a late bloomer on him though.  Truly one of the greatest out there doing it right now.  Has the few rap albums I can play all the way through. 

Adele- Where the fuck was I.  I was recently introduced to this young lady's music. Beautiful voice, beautiful lyrics.  She could sing about farm animals and I'll listen. She has a soul/funk/jazz/r&b sound that anybody can relate to.

The Fray- Talented group of guys, one of the best alternative bands around.  These dudes have something for everybody, and like everyone else on this list they have a way with words. Check em out. 

Just to name a few......

I Used To Love Her...

Sometimes, even though I consider myself bisexual, I can't help but face the facts that I know I can live a without pussy far easier than I could without dick. This little tid bit has made it hard for me to deal with many females that come in and out my life.  More specifically, "Nikki".  I have been "dealing" with Nikki since junior year of high school, so about 5 years now. Granted, we've never been in a committed relationship, we are very close.  We just never wanted to take that next step toward a relationship in order to not fuck up our friendship.

It seems like she always has a boyfriend, and I'm always dealing with somebody.  Well, at least thats the excuse I tell myself.  I'm bisexual, and I'm DL....and thats my fight, not hers.  I don't want to put her through my mood swings, my uncertainty, and the lying and cheating that comes along with it.  She's far too good of a catch for that.  I know in my heart regardless of how much I love the girl I can't promise to leave guys alone.  And I can't knowingly do that to her.  This may sound fucked up but I can do it to other girls, and have done it, but not to her. And lately, our relationship is just all fucked up.

We have always had this "on again, off again extended friendship" as I like to call it. We'll be cool and close for six months, then stop fucking with eachother for a few months and repeat the cycle.  But now, the older I get, I'm fed up with the shit. It seems like we are no longer on the same page and this whole thing is a matter of convienence. She is a beautiful girl, and the sex was great, but enough is enough man.
  She called me the other morning after a whole month and expected me to be excited to talk to her.  I couldn't have been less amused.  I seriously wanted to know what the fuck she wanted. For the first time, I don't feel like I have the same feelings for her anymore....like I have grown out of love with her. I'm sure its a good thing in the long haul, but the shit still hurts. 

D-Boy

Since I'm still waiting on him, I'll introduce ya.

Ah...D-Boy.  First off, D-Boy doesn't really fit into the idea one would have when they think of a dope boy.  He hasn't sold drugs(to my knowledge) and isn't a thug.  He just has a street demeanor, and his name happens to begin with the letter D. He's a very, very masculine guy and has the sexiest deep voice I've ever heard. Some who don't know him may think he's more of a thug. But anybody who knows him, or has even had a conversation with him, knows better.

I first met D-Boy about a year and a half ago through a mutual friend.  We ran into eachother at a local restaurant and he told our friend to put in a word for him if I was down.  Little did he know, he had me at first glance.  This muhfucka is fine...in a man's man's type of way.  He's tall how I like em about 6'5, some muscle tone, and best of all a killer smile. And he's handsome, and not in a "pretty boy" kind of way....but a grown ass man type handsome.  But his best trait of all is that he's genuinely a nice guy; something I took for granted in the beginning. D-Boy is your typical DL guy: very paranoid about people finding out his sexuality.  And he is willing to go to great lengths to be sure it never happens. 

I'm a sucker for romance and all the lovey dovey shit. And D-Boy is not afraid to give it to me.  I guess thats why he's been around for so long.  Our first meet up consisted of us going out to eat and going back to his place for drinks.  Over the course of the night I really enjoyed our conversation and realized this wouldn't be a one time thing.

When we got back to his place that night, we poured a few drinks and talked about what we both were expecting from the whole thing.  He showed me he had his head on straight and I was getting turned on more and more, every fucking minute. And since I'm not the type to make the first move, I was getting restless waiting on his fine ass to do something. Finally he put his glass down and kissed me.  It was an agressive, yet soft kiss that got me rock hard instantly.  Before I knew it HE had mine and his clothes off and was eating my ass like he was having his last meal.  After some of my bomb ass head (a lil cocky, i know) he pulled out the condom and lube and got to work.  He knew just how to open me up and take his time. And by the end of the night I had gotten the fuck of my life. And  after wards, instead of just washing up and being on our way, he insisted on laying up, talking, and just chilling out. A very pleasant surprise.

One would think we would eventually become more right? Wrong, even after all this time we are just "kickin it", not exclusive and have a "don't ask don't tell" understanding.  We both just avoid the subject of becoming more now.  The last time we fucked up and talked about the subject, and I didn't take it seriously, we didn't talk for about 5-6 months. Don't wanna go through that shit again.  Not just because the dick is entirely too damn good, but I value his friendship.  I'm hopeless.