It's all good

Finally this semester is over.  Bout damn time!!! This has been one hell of a last few months, but fortunately its all good.  Can't complain.  (Well I can, I just choose the higher road and decide against it) I missed my gpa goal buy 2 tenths (i think) of a point.  A 3.73 is good, but my black ass was counting on at LEAST a 3.75. The  Biology program is the devil himself, disguised within over-priced text books. But I digress...

Is it right to say my sex life is great, but love life is non-existent? Well, I mean me and D are getting it in on the regular, but I don't "like him like that".  After that epic fail of r-ship with Sly I've realized that I shouldn't be allowed to make my own decisions.  I should be on decision making punishment. I mean really, what the fuck was I thinking.  I knew that shit was bound to fail. He was cool and we clicked, but he was a little more uptight than my "ignant" ass. Don't get me wrong, I liked him but realistically the shit wasn't kosher.  It was a fun little adventure though.

D was always the one that stayed constant, so I'm cool in this little situation. He isn't too thrilled about it...can't blame him.  But he doesn't push the issue.  The only thing that matters is that your boy is happy with a lot of shit. Been a minute since I could say that shit honestly.

This Bitch....

I swear I am going to fuck that computer repair company up...it rhymes with "Heek Squad". My laptop, which is only about 8 months old, decided it wanted to call it quits on my ass the other week. Apparently my charger shorted out and screwed up something and I needed a new mother-board.  For the price of that foolishness I might as well have just bought a new computer. But I digress....

I know I'm late on this (read ^) but my thanksgiving was some kind of weird.  I decided to spend the littel time I did have that day (had to work)  with my mother's side of the family.  They are more "colorful", fun and all around just more enjoyable to be around than my dad's folks. Everything was cool until my aunt came around. I think I mentioned this bitch in a previous post. She is not very unpleasant.  She leaves a bad taste in your mouth, kind of like cheap liquor.   I was hoping to miss her ass, but sadly I was mistaken.  She's very fake and "in your face". Well call her "Shelly".  Shelly was talking to me and a few of my cousins about school and work and the such.  Ironically, I was the only one in the group who didn't have any children.  So the bullshit started. She asked me why I didn't have any children.  I told her "Well, I'm 22 and unmarried...what else do you need to know?" Shelly thought I was being rude but Granny had my side, and told her to sit down somewhere.  She laid low for a little while, then she struck a nerve that she likes to pick on every time I see her ass. 

"So Trey, I know a handsome fella like you  have a few little girlfriends, why don't you bring them around."  I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.  The look on her twisted up ass face, and the fact that she hurt my cousin's feelings who just had a miscarriage just sent me over the edge.  Before I could catch myself I simply said " She's probably in the same place your man is...somewhere waiting to be pulled out of a hat. Any more questioins?"  My uncle (her brother) had damn field day, he and my Granny laughed for about 10 mins straight.  Shelly just said "Well, you don't have to be mean and nasty.  Just say you don't have one.  And I'm grown you need to repspect me as a adult." I said sure "As soon as you do the same."

At the time I didn't feel bad, and to be quite honest I still don't.  If this bitch thinks I likes men...she needs to just ask me.  Of course I'll lie...but its the principle of the matter.  I always try to avoid the subject of girlfriends and children because it makes me hella uncomfortable...but this bitch always gets me.  

Tipsy Randomosity

So its an early night for me.  D has to be at work at 7 am...and I'm just now leaving him.  Why he chooses to drink and fuck the night before work is beyond me...but I'm not complaining. 

1) I say some dumb shit.  For example, when somebody says something and I missed it, or didn't understand I say "what happened". That shit doesn't even make sense, how come I can't just say "What did you say" or "Pardon me kind sir".  

2) Older men are sexy...like really sexy.  I need to get me a muhfucka who is between like 36-42 who can fuck the daylights out of me.  I bet he'll be able to do it...all them years gotta have him experienced. I need to make that happen. Call it a bucket list...of sorts.

3) I've said it once, and I'll say it again. I do not like gay people.  I know I know...we shouldn't ostracize and discriminate in our own community and all that bullshit.  But this has got to stop. My school had its biggest game of the year called "The Classic" and it was full of the little homos.  They're just obnoxious and "in your face".  Fuckin queens.

4) These black boxerbriefs look good as hell on me...if I do say so myself. That's probably why D almost ripped them muhfuckas off.  I should wear them outside and see if I can get lucky. Please don't judge me man. But I'll understand if you still do.

5) Cold Phoenix...the peach ciroc doesn't really taste like Robitussin, but its not all that either.  This shit taste like some wanna be coconut Ciroc.  I wasted my damn money.  But don't get confused my black ass is still drinking on it...I'm getting my money's worth.

6) My co-worker is as good as fucked...or at least sucked.  His fine ass has one more time to try to flirt with me and he is getting the business.  I just wanna test drive them pretty ass lips one time and I'll be satisfied.  I'm only afraid his dick will be sub-par...for him to be this fine there has to be something wrong.  I bet he can barely get it up.

7) I really want Cogito to be my classmate and we can live in the same residence hall.  That shit would be awesome.  And I want the rest of you guys to be the ones I eye rape in the caf and library.  

Just wanted to hit you with something...I'm trying to do better.  But i can barely hold this damn computer anymore and using this mouse pad is becoming increasingly difficult. 

Feeling Myself (Not like that...pervs)

Lately, things have been going well for me....for the most part.  I haven't been stressing about a lot of shit I normally do and I just let things happen.  Work has been going well, especially since I cut back my hours.  I think after christmas I'm going back to full time.  My boss had decided to give me more responsibilities to "see how I can handle them".  I been knocking that shit out.  School has been good, my professor finally stopped picking on me (that bastard). Plus, me and D have been chilling hard.  I enjoy his company.  Me and Sly talk every few days, but I don't thnk we're even remotely ready to give this thing another go.  Oh yeah me and D are just FRIENDS...there's no relationship or commitment there.  But its all good.

I've been trying my best to just stay positive.  The past is exactly where it should be...in the past.  I haven't been worried about my sexuality and where it was gonna leave me in the future.  Because like the past, the future is exactly where it should be as well. I have realized that letting shit go is the best thing to do.  Instead of worrying about Sly and what he's feeling and doing...I've put that focus on me.  Call me selfish but my happiness takes precedent. 

The only negative is the death of my great Aunt.  It was a supposed accident but the family has no idea what happened and don't have any closure.  So its been bothering her children and grandchildren greatly.  Hopefully after the funeral service this weekend they'll have at least a little bit of closure. 

And I can't find any damn Peach Ciroc around here!!!  I need to feed my alcoholism! LoL

The Epiphany

I've been  a little MIA lately.  As usual...just a lot going on.  School, work, and we had a tragic death in the family.  My mind has been a hundred places, but its all better when you have a good guy by your side to see you through the rough shit.  I have written about this before, but now I feel I have finally gotten over it. I'm talking about my issue with allowing a guy to do certain things for me, without feeling like a little bitch.  It was always hard for me man. When D-Boy would pay for a meal, handle situations for me, or take too much of a lead in shit I would always try to stop him dead in his tracks.  I had the same issue with Sly sometimes.  I guess it was own insecurities about my sexuality, sexual role, and how I was viewed by the dude I was with.  I know it seemed crazy, but I couldn't help it.  I always want people to know that I am a man, regardless of who I screw behind closed doors. And sometimes it got in a way. But D had enough of that shit.

If you don't know, I love sushi.   D wasn't the biggest fan of it, but I turned him onto it.  So as a little pick me up he took me to this hibachi/sushi restaurant here in town.  It was he, I and a mutual friend. We had fun, ate good food and had a few drinks. Then it was time for the bill (my least favorite moment).  I tried to beat him to the punch, but he had a game plan. He told the waiter that we were together and our friend was separate.  And when I tried to pull my card out he shot me this look of death.  It almost scared me a little bit.  LoL  When we got in his truck I told him that I had it, it's cool.  Then he started.

He just told me that it's okay to let someone do something for you....as long as their intentions are good.  He told me that he does stuff like that because he cares and he wants to show it....nothing more or nothing less.  I was still a little hesitant because it seemed too much like a hetero-esque type situation.  He wasn't having it. He was like "Damn man, I just want you to know I can handle shit...I got yo back.  Its not that I think you a lil bitch, cause if so I wouldn't be with you." I must say, he had a point. He went on to say that " T, sometimes you just got to let people show they care man.  It's no different than when you have to desire to do something for me, when you bring me something to eat or something.  It's no different.   You don't think I'm a bitch, you just like my black ass."  It finally made sense to me.  And now it's cool. When he wants to take care of something I let him and I've stopped the bitching. LoL  His ass couldn't be happier.  It's a give and take though, so it's all good. I think I'm cured.

Sexuality Issues

This has been an interesting week...to say the least.  I broke it off with Sly, and he have been cordial, well at least we try to be.  He still doesn't quite understand why it is what it is, but he respects it.  I've been trying not to deal with him too much. If I talk to his ass everyday, what's the use of leaving his ass alone? Plus, my conscience won't let me. Yeah, I've been fucking with D.  I missed that muhfucka. (Tell you more about that later)

On top of that, I'm having female problems. Yeah, you read that shit right. This girl from class is really feeling your boy.  And it makes me uncomfortable, for some strange reason.  While I am still attracted to girls, it seems I have to be in the "mood" for it. Hell, the last time I had some pussy was about a year and a half ago.  And quite honestly, I haven't missed it that bad.  It's just...that a man can give me all the shit I need.  Not just sexually, but emotionally and mentally as well.  For some reason, I'm attracted to masculinity...heavily attracted.  I admire everything about a man; from his physique, his smell, and his attitude. However, a woman has things I like as well.  I love the essence of a woman, her sometimes soft demeanor and other things.  The problem is, these things don't satisfy my black ass alone.  Everytime I have ever been involved with a girl, I still needed and longed for a guy.  I never mixed the two, but I had the urge to.  The weird thing is, when I'm with a dude I'm completely satisfied...I'm not missing a chick.

Surprise,surprise...I know.  I think now I'm more of like a 80/20 bisexual (think about it).   The more I come to terms with my sexuality and the reality of it all, the more comfortable I become.  I'm slowly starting to face the reality that the typical married life with a woman and a few kids may not happen with me. It's a scary thought, but shit...its reality. No, I'm not coming out or anything like that...that shit is for the birds.  I'm just gonna take this shit one day at a time.

Nature Vs. Nurture/Adoption

Once again I have been in my damn feelings thinking about my future. More specifically, the future of my love and family life.  Who will I end up with (male or female), will I have any children?  If I am with a guy how the hell are we gonna pull that off? I am very open to adoption.  To be quite honest, if I was to get married to a woman I would want one of our children to be adopted.  Can't really explain why. I just know I would love to make a child's life better and show them the love they miss from their birth parents.

However, some people don't believe in adoption. And if they do, many people don't believe the relationship is the same as it would be with a biological child.  I must say I disagree. In the age old nature versus nurture debate I have always sided with nurture when it comes down to behavior and family connections.  I believe that if you actually put the effort into bonding with a child, or anyone for that matter, you will find you have a close connection that couldn't be any closer if you were related by blood.  Granted, I don't know too many adopted children/parents personally.  But those I do know, have connections with their adoptive parents that I have with my own father.  My cousin and her husband has an adopted son (she's unable to carry a child safely)  they have had him since he was a few  months old.  After a while her and their adoptive son began to have that mother/baby bond we all see.  He could be in the back room of the house and when she would come in he was able to sense her.  He would start squirming around all of a sudden and whining until she reaches him.  All of this, without even seeing her.  This is something common of mother and baby, the baby can feel the mother's presence.  Although not her biological child, she nurtured him as a mother.  Hell, most of us are closer to our best friends than most members of our actual family.

I have always sided with the nurture side because I have seen it take precedent over nature too many times. Think of children close in age, growing up in the same home, had educated and successful parents, given the identical opportunities, but chose different paths.  One chooses drugs and violence and the other chose education and a career. Clearly his or her outside influences persuaded them away from the ways of their family. This is why adoption doesn't scare me.  I know all cases of adoption aren't perfect and its totally unpredictable. But I'm willing to give it a try in the distant future.  It's the future itself that scares me.

The "S" word.

*does the dougie*

So, I'm officially SINGLE!  Hell yeah!  (I'm cool now...hopefully it'll stay that way)

Man, it's like so much unneccessary stress is off my shoulders.  Trying to please myself and that muhfucka was not working. It wasn't easy and it took me damn near a week to work up the courage to actually talk to him yesterday.  Fortunately, he already knew something was up.  He knows me, so he seen I was acting different, talking different and wasn't being me.  I couldn't help it, I knew the situation was fucked up and the shit had to end before we got to the point of disliking each other. So I just came out and told him how I was feeling. 

Earlier yesterday he hit me up and I told him we need to talk about some shit. His reaction was the typical "awww shit".  I kind of told him over the phone that I wasn't feeling this shit any more.  We ain't  vibing like we used to....or like we should rather.  I explained to him how I felt like who I am is not exactly what he wants and he can't accept that shit. Of course he insisted I was off base, and I was taking shit the wrong way.  We ended it at that until I got off work.  While I was at work Sly asked me come over when I got off.  At first I was like fuck no, I wasn't ready for that.  But I said what the hell ever and went.  We talked it over and told him how I feel AGAIN. I get so tired of explaining myself to him. I told him the same things I say on here.  I can't keep changing for you,  I can't keep compromising my self and you aren't doing the same.  I get tired of you trying your hardest to push me too far out of my damn comfort zone.  Then he went into all the shit wrong with me.  Man, I know I'm a fucked up individual...that's some shit I don't need any 2nd opinions on. LoL 

But seriously, it was kind of hard telling him face to face.  I told him that I still have feelings for him (cause I do) but we need to chill out because we need to work on some shit we SHOULD have done before we got this together.  He agreed, but he didn't think we needed to call it quits. I eventually made him see it my way. And we came to this "pseudo" agreement about the situation.  To sum this shit up, we bascially decided to give the relationship thing a break.  We're still cool, cordial, and all that.  He has this idea that it's just a break and we just chilling out for a minute.  But I'm not so sure.  Either way...my black ass is free! And yes I will be with D-Boy after work Friday.  I'm getting off work and meeting him and a few friends at the fair...then, well who knows.

Major Changes

 (Aint that shit dramatic ^^^^ LoL)

So, I call myself being in this new " finding what makes me happy, letting go of the bullshit, fuck yo feelings" type shit right now.  Eventhough I haven't done anything crazy (yet) there is this weight lifted off of my shoulder already.  Cause this time next week I know shit will be different. 

I'm pretty much claiming to the end to the relationship bullshit.  I feel like I have sacrificed too much of myself and my damn sanity for this muhfucka.  No matter how many times I have told this asshole that the shit he does upsets me and I'm not feelin it...the shit doesn't change.  I mean damn, what do I have to do-knock the bastard "up-side" the head?! It seems like more and more his attitude is "be happy you're with me and I chose you, cause I'm a catch" he can miss me with that bullshit. I'm annoyed and tired.  And he knows its winding down.  He's been saying lil shit like " you aight, you been acting like you don't give a fuck" and "you mad about something".  And I told him what was up and he bascially acted like it was my fault I was upset.  I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but we're gonna have to chill out and have some time apart.

Like I mentioned earlier, the shit already feels better though.  Just knowing that I can let this stress and shit go is a good feeling.  Plus, I'm young, busy, not that bad looking, and I just want to have a little fun.  I have always been hard on myself.  I have never wanted to be labeled as a  "ain't shit n*gga.  I never went out much because I didn't want to be judged. I consider a C in a class failing, and I WILL take that muhfucka again. And shit like that.  I just want to enjoy myself.  Hell, at the new job alone there are two dudes and a chick I  KNOW are trying to get at me and another chick and dude I'm still trying to feel out.  I'm getting tired of missing out on people because I'm trying to be the "good guy".  Ya'll can have that shit. 

Man, I just want to call D and go chill with him, share a bottle of coconut ciroc and laugh at stupid shit.  That muhfucka gets me and he's humble. And I know I don't want to jump into relationship with him.  Not to mention...the sex is the shit.  This shit with Sly is gonna be interesting.  He wont' be surprised though...but that muhfucka will be a little pissed.

Fucked up Individual...

So I'm a piece of work.  I swear my ignant (ebonic typo and it stays) ass needs counseling or something. Seriously.  I can' t make up my mind and it seems that I can't be satisfied. 

Technically, I know I don't have shit to complain about when it comes to my love-life...but damn.  I am well aware that I am a "natural asshole".  I don't try to be and it's not on purpose.  But that's not really the problem.  I do not know how to be with somebody...more specifically Sly.  There is so much good about him, and us, but there are also things I can't get jiggy with.  It has been good for the most part and he's a good dude. However, I have my quirks.  For example, sometimes I just want to be alone.  I mean, ALONE.  I don't want to physically be around anybody, talk, text, or tweet anybody.  I have had this issue ever since I was a little kid, and it got worse after the death of my mother.  It's not all the time, just when I'm moody or stressed.  But this muhfucka just can't get it.  He's already more clingy than I'm comfortable with, but when he constantly tries to force me to chill with him or talk to him AFTER I told him I'm in my mood to be alone...I damn near lose it.  Shit.  How hard is it to respect that shit. I know his intentions are good, but he needs to understand me more.   I have explained to him and expressed this to him.  He says he gets it, but he really doesn't. 

Then it gets so much deeper than that.  It seems like he tries to change everything about me to suit his black ass.  For example, I don't like going out a lot.  He acts like that shit is unacceptable.  He tries to drag me out to these bars/lounges (straight ones of course).  And I don't always want to.  I do it because it's all about compromise and I care about the man.  But it's one sided now.  I can't keep "changing" to his fancy.  I have tried to talk to him about it. The shit goes no where.

And ironically, while I made him out to be the best guy...I didn't have these fucked up situations with D-Boy. They're both very masculine, manly men cool, and has shit going for them...but D has more of a hood streak to him.  I'm guessin that's why I leaned more toward Sly.  He seemed like more of "the catch". But I think I made a damn mistake.  Yeah, I know after all the shit I've talked and shit I've done.

Then to top it off...the dick was good, the attention was good, and even the conversation was good.  Don't get me wrong, he was a clingy lover too. But he understood I wasn't and he laid off some for me.  I don't know what i'm going to do.  Hell I almost wanted to call him to...let me now even think about it.  I digress

Thanks for listening to me vent.  I think maybe I need some new dick....

Just a quickie...

 (That damn Laz Alonso!^^^)

It's been a little minute...you know how it goes.

School has been giving me quite a bit more hell than I expected, especially one class.  I swear I give it til mid-terms and I'm going up side that woman's head. She has somekind of vendetta against me...don't know what it is.  But as long as I keep this A we're  good. Me and Sly are holding on (I think).  I'll get to that on the next post.  The shit is hard man.  When you have so much going on and have your attention being pulled a hundred different directions, it becomes hard to keep focused.   Last weekend I helped him move to his new place.  It was just me and him moving a house full of furnishings.  He said "See, this is one of the perks of fucking with men...automatic help". That bastard. LoL  Gotta like him though. 

I'm writing this while I'm getting ready to go to work tonight, so that's why it's short and rushed. LoL  I'll be updating you in the morning....I have been coming dangerously close to the unthinkable. 

"Ain't no way"

Being in a relationship has really got me taking a long hard look at myself.  While, the outside looks great (conceited moment..sorry. LoL), the inside could use a makeover or some shit.  It's like a major inner turmoil taking place within me lately.  While I'm happy and content in my current situation with Sly, I can't help but face the fact that it has it limits.  There's a point where its gonna have to stop, and we are gonna have to part ways.  Not because we would want to, or anything goes wrong, but the reality is that this closet shit limits you.  It comes a time that in order to keep (or an attempt to keep) your sexuality and business under wraps you have to end shit before people around you become too suspicious and start asking questions. But what if I don't want it to end???

That's where this whole mess comes from.  Honestly, I've never taken the whole coming out thing seriously.  I've never seriously thought about being honest with my family and some friends.  That is...until recently.  I celebrated my birthday this past Wednesday.  With that came a lot of...soul searching. I am well aware of my sexuality and no longer have any questions to myself about it.  However, I struggle with how to live my life happily.  I REFUSE to be unhappy trying to satisfy others.  That shit is not gonna fly. I now realize that one day, I HAVE to tell those around me.  It's not an option.  I don't want to be married to a woman, unhappy, and sleeping around with men trying to scratch that itch...and still not be happy.  I also refuse to be 40 and single and living alone because I'm still afraid of being honest with those around me. Can't be a prisoner in my own life/world!

Sly is such a genuine, honest, gentle, strong man.  He has shown me things about myself I didn't even know were there. Like I said, I'm happy. This guy can make my worst day better by just telling me in the baritone voice of his "It's all good baby boy".  A simple have a good day at work text can actually  make the worst day great.  All things I know I wasn't going to have with D-Boy.  There's just one problem.  I can't share my happiness with anyone around me.  I can't share with anyone how great he is, how good everything is going, the problems we have, or anything like that.  I've always believed (and still do) that a relationship is not just between two people, but between two entities.  Meaning two people have to in some way be involved in, or share, friends, family, hobbies, etc.  Not saying you have to be all up in their business, but you have to be able to join in and relate to things. If not, how can you ever spend time together? For example, on the holidays.  Being in the closet means I spend the day with my folks, and he with his. There is no middle ground. And we only see eachother at the end of the day when the holiday is over. I refuse to live like that forever.

Not saying I'm coming out next week, but I know now it has to happen...eventually. Not because of Sly or anybody else but because of me.  I'm not gonna be a grown ass man living my life afraid of what family and friends think/believe. I'm not gonna hide in my own home.  I'm not gonna make my man leave my house and take all traces of him along because my folks are visiting.  Either they have to accept me or get the hell on.

Sex is....Sex.

A few friends and I had a very interesting conversation about sex. Not necessarily about what one does during sex, but more so what does it mean. Needless to say, the shit got real. Lol

I now see why some people have fucked up "situations" when it comes down to a simple screw.  For example, my girl said that she believes sex is the utmost intimate activity between two people.  These same two people, in her opinion, have no choice but to have feelings for each other after sex because it is a type of bonding.  I wanted to slap the chick.  She is part of a big, misinformed, group of people who ruin their lives over sex.  To me, this is the fairytale, childhood view of fucking.  That's just not how life works, and not too many people feel this way about sex anymore.  Nowadays, it seems like its more casual and more and more people are starting to realize this. Not this idiot, however.  It now makes sense why she's always hurt and feels wronged by some dude...we now see its her fault. LoL  Gotta love her though.

My opinion?  Well I believe sex means whatever the two people involved agree on it to mean.  I seriously feel if you have sex with someone, there should be an agreement and understanding between the two. Even then, an adult knows their status with someone beforehand.  If you meet someone and happen to quickly start fucking around, common sense tells you it isn't anything serious.  Its just two horny people getting a nut from time to time. A situation like this shouldn't even be cause for a discussion. However, if you are ever unsure it never hurts to ask.  Ask your partner "hey, what does sex mean to you?" And tell them what significance it has to you as well. Whatever their answer is, you have to accept that.  If someone tells you that its just a friends with benefits relationship...you are foolish to think it is otherwise.  Maya Angelou said it best "when someone shows you who they are believe them."

I was thinking if it differed in heterosexual and homosexual relationships.  I don't think so. Although it is believed gay men are more sexually driven, I think the situation remains the same. Two people, gay or straight, should be honest and upfront with one another. No need to bullshit around and get someone's hopes up, just to hit it. Want casual sex?  Its easy to find someone who is looking for the same.  Want a committed situation? Find someone who is looking for the same.

So, what does sex mean to you?

Random Shit

1.  I don't like gay people.  I mean, all those I come in contact with all seem the same.  Granted, the only gay people I know are gay are more feminine dudes I see around.  They seem to be obnoxious, flamboyant and the shit is aggravating. I'm sure there are some more reserved ones, but I'm not aware of their sexuality. I know its discrimination and generalizing.  I can admit that, so spare me. LoL

2. I really  do not need to drink brown liquor.  I mean, I can handle it but the shit gets me so horny that I HAVE to do something sexual.  I'm not sure if its known as an aphrodisiac, but it gets my blood boiling. I remember one time D had my drinking some Hennessy and that night I don't think I've ever fucked like that before. Vodka and tequila doesn't have that same affect on me...thank goodness.

3. I don't believe in having large groups, or circles, of friends.  I tend to take friendships very seriously, and I consider them to very intimate.  How can you call 15 people good friends?  I don't know about you, but I can't be that close to 15 people..there isn't enough of my time and attention available for that. It kills me to see people call dozens of people their friends and best friends. I don't get it.


4. If you are going to fuck me, you better pull out a trojan.  I judge people on the condoms they keep.  For example, if you pull out a durex I consider you to be unprepared for the ass. Therefore you don't deserve it.  You might get away with a Lifestyle, just don't make it a habit...them shits aren't too much better than the Durex.

5. People often get a very misconstrued opinion about me.  They look at my family and background and think things like "he's stuck up, materialistic, etc".  Then they meet me and they see something totally different. I have been told many times, a little too many for my liking, that I've proved people wrong on their preconceived notions.  Don't you guys think I'm a nice guy?!

6. I am horrible with phones.  I have just recently been able to take care of one for longer than 8 months.  My dad replaced my iphone twice, and every other phone I've had in my life at least once.  I have gotten on the Android train now.  I kept my last one for about 10 months before i changed companies.  This one is going on month 6.  I know its not a big accomplishment, but it is for me.  LoL

7. I've said it once, and I'll say it again.  I love sexual agressiveness.  I love for a guy to tell me what he wants, when he wants it, and how he wants it.  I don't take offense to freaky, nasty text messages at the right time.  Nor, do I mind a guy being blunt with what he wants.  I like the gentlemen as well, but know when to be straddle that line.  Sly is excellent at this!

8. My sex number is 8. You have read about 4 on here; Sly, D-Boy, Red and my ex Don.  There are two more guys and two girls. Surprise, I know.  D just refuses to believe that. I actually think that number is high. I sometimes feel like a whore.  That's over the course of 5 years of being sexually active.

9. I strive to have a family.  I'm just a family man at heart.  I refuse to jump on this bandwagon of " marriage isn't anything, I don't believe in relationships, I wanna/gonna be single forever".  Just not me.

10. I love you guys.  Seriously.  The few people that read and comment on here really don't understand the significance. I don't have people in my life to share this shit with, so I bother you guys with my bullshit. LoL  Thanks a bunch!

D -Vs- Sly

Mr D-boy. That guy, I'll tell ya. LoL I fell guilty.  Thats one of the down sides of having a conscience. I seriously wish sometimes I was just an inconsiderate, nonchalant ass hole.  Well, depending on who you ask...I'm probably already these things; but that's another story.

No, I didn't cheat or anything.  But I do still have feelings for this muhfucka.  I can't help it, and he knows it.  I have never told him about Sly until tonight.  He knew I was kicking with someone else from time to time, but he had no idea of the extent.  He took it well, in  a sense.  He had a lot of questions...solid questions that I couldn't blame him  for asking.  D was a little angry at one point, but he understood and I know he supports me.  His biggest issue was that he felt lied to.  Which isn't far fetched, because I really didn't tell him about my new situations, even when he asked. Its something about that guy though.  I don't plan on doing anything stupid, but the truth is we have a connection.  Even outside of the romance and sex shit, he's my boy.  Thats my homie.

I didn't want to tell him, but for some reason I felt I owed it to him.  When I was walking to my car from work tonight I called him just to check on him. He asked me where I was going and I told him I was going home. He insinuated that I was going to see somebody.  And thats when I just told him.  I let him know that my guy had to go to work in the morning.  I swear I could see his face through the phone. LoL  He wanted to know what exactly I meant.  I told him I was basically in a relationship. I explained to him what happened, how it came about, and my reasons.  He just wanted to know why not him, why I didn't tell him, and why I lied when asked about it.  I told him the truth.  We just weren't going to work, we had too much going on and if I'm gonna be in  a r-ship, fucking around isn't okay.  And I know he wasn't gonna hold true to that.  He understood actually, even though there was clear resentment there. His silly ass even cracked a few jokes about the situation.  He invited me over while on my way home. I went...

He was cool, he just wanted to show me the new furnishings in his place.  We just chilled, drank a beer and talked about shit.  Above anything, he is a good friend. That dude has my back for real.  But when I talk to him and thank about him, I can't help but think about how even though I'm with Sly...we are not on the same level as me and D. I know we'll get there...but when? Did  I rush? Just life

Untitled

I made an observation about myself lately. (Well, I think I did anyway). Down and out shit. 

I am afraid of love.  There I said it.  I don't know why, or really even how to explain it.  Just the thought alone frightens the shit out of me.  I like to be in control and in this love game no one has the control.  I can't get jiggy with that shit.  It may be because of past experiences and what I see everyone else going through.  I look at some shit I see and think to myself "If that's what love means, count my black ass out".

So many people claim to love someone or be in love, and its nothing but negativity unhappiness.  When I think of love, I think of happiness...I think of actually getting along with the person I'm with. Call me crazy.  Of course, I know its not perfect and there will be some bad times.  But it shouldn't be constant...should it? I have friends, co-workers, associates, and even family members who claim to be in love but it seems so painful.  They are always arguing, unhappy, angry and annoyed with the person they claim they love.  If being in love means I will allow someone to do me like shit and just grin and bear it, I don't want any part of that foolishness.

The trust part of it all, I can deal with.  I don't trust easy...don't know why.  But I trust Sly, that much I know.  I trust him enough to not purposely do anything to hurt or upset me.  And I trust that he has my best interest at heart. But do I love him yet?  I don't know.  I think that's why I actually got a feeling of relief when I realized we were having issues and weren't spending enough time together.  I kinda felt like "whew, I can stop being so fucking vulnerable".  But then that feeling went from relief to anxiety.  Him not being there damn near scared the shit out of me. (I know, wishy washy). I just hope he waits for me to deal with this shit.  I know he doesn't have to and I don't have the right to expect him too.  But I still hope.

Ugh...FML

It seems I have been neglecting everything lately; this blog and Sly just to name a few.

School and work is seriously kicking my black ass. Not to mention the constant stress of keeping a 3.75 or higher as a Bio major. No sleep...just lecture, lab and work. My dad wants me to only work part time, and (he'll help me out of course). But I'm used to having my own funds. Then to top it off Sly works a normal 9-5 and I have an 8 am-11pm day. It's bothering him, but just says "its all good, I understand." But I know its not. Something gonna have to give.

I'm stressed out and my relationship is failing. I need a drink...even though I'm trying to lay off of it.

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Beat To The Punch

*I'm a little late on this one. But between school and work orientation I'm stretched too damn thin*

I was planning on having a talk with my boy Sly. Well, this muhfucka pulled the okie doke on me and beat me to it.  I was shocked.  I mean, I didn't put it past him...but I know that we are both not the type to "make the first move" in this type of situation.  With two people like us, we would have been in this limbo for years! LoL

Sunday night we went out to an early dinner because we haven't been able to spend as much time as we had liked lately.  It was actually a very good time.  We laughed like crazy and had the couple behind us laughing.  Two twisted senses of humor are never good. LoL And as we were leaving Sly told me we needed to talk.  Like most people, I got nervous as shit.  Whenever someone says "we need to talk" I automactially think back to the movies where its never anything good. But it was quite the opposite.  We got back to his place and got settled in and he just started going in.  He mentioned that we've been kicking it for a while, been having sex, and all these other things but there is no clear definition of whats going on.  I agreed.  And he went on to say that we should make this thing we have going on official.

His voice was shaky, he was fidgeting with this hands...it was kinda sexy actually.  I could tell he was genuine and hella nervous.  I told hiim I felt the same way but I was scared to say anything. (Where that honesty came from beats the hell out of me). He started smiling and I could tell he was relieved...so was I.  We actually stayed up and talked til about 2 AM.  I had to be up for my first day of work at 8 so we had to cut it short. I actually slept with him (not sex).  That's big for me.  I can't sleep in the same bed with people, I don't like that closeness..the shit makes me uncomfortable. However, I did it that night.

So (dare I say it) I'm in a relationship.  Typing that was almost as hard as saying it out loud. It has been years since I have been in a real relationship. No doubt I'm a little rusty at this shit.  I'm not exactly sure what all it means and what all I would have to change.  At least I haven't been fucking around, so I don't have to go through the head ache of cutting dudes off and shit like that.   I wanna know what is a relationship to you?  What are some of your "rules and regulations" with a true COMMITTED relationship?  Any ADVICE would be greatly appreciated.

Check Up

I knows its been a minute.  I've had one hell of a last few weeks.  I've been in summer school (a.k.a hell) plus I've been working hella overtime...for no reason really.  Plus I've been spending a lot of time with Sly. And my schedule is hell.  School from 8-10am, work from 11a-7p but I've been working til 10p or 11p, then homework, then trying to fit my dude into all of this.  Yo boy has been beat.  But I know its all worth it.  Its nothing a bottle of Ciroc can't cure!!!!

(But there is good news, I have an A in class...so far.  I also finally got the new job I have been trying to get.  Less stress, and more money.  You can't beat that shit. LoL)

Shit, I don't Know

Anybody that follows this little site of mine knows that I have been seeing Sly.  Its been going well.  There still isn't a relationship/committment there...we are just going with the flow.  And that's the problem.....

How do you know its the right time/situation to be with someone?  I'm so accustomed to being with myself and not obligated to anyone I've forgotten how to recognize other feelings. We really like eachother, but I think we both are also not one to make the first move in this department.  I know of his past experiences, and I am all to aware of my fear of vulnerability.  I know, it sounds like a recipe for disaster.  I understand taking it slow and not rushing into things, but I also believe there is a time where you have to sink or swim.  If there has been anyone in my life (male or female) that I've wanted to try to make it work with, it would be him.

However, I just don't know if these feelings are really what I think they are.  Hell, I may be straddling the "L" word with this dude. At least I think so.  I really don't know how it feels....and that is sad.  In other departmetns of life I'm gucci. I'm successful in school, work, with friends but with this I'm as clueless as they come.  I don't even know how to recognize the feelings of wanting to be with someone...officially and exclusively.  I mean, what if I'm wrong.  The most I know is that we both believe in titles. (And anybody who doesn't needs some type of reality check). But I also know that we both have our reasons why we would want the other to initiate it.  Surprisingly, I'm slowly wanting to be that one!  I think I'm growing up. LoL  I can't lose this.  I don't want to mess up this string of blessings I've gotten lately; new job, school, and Sly.

Its a fuckin shame I can't even recognize these feelings. Fear is a bitch.

Playing With Roles

One pro of being heterosexual is you automatically know one another's sexual role.  You the know the man will be doing the penetrating and you know the woman will be the one being penetrated.  Simple.  However, with men its not that damn easy.  I don't know how many times I have been in the situation where someone was afraid to bring up the subject of top and bottom.  It is one of  the most important factors we have to deal with when finding a partner. 

I have heard people say dumb shit like "top and bottom doesn't matter, its about love".  Yeah....sure, that's a nice fairytale you're living in there. Truth is, it does matter.  There are many strict tops, strict bottoms, and even strict versatile dudes.  These guys do not stray out of their roles.  Taking on the other role doesn't excite them, seem appealing, or even seem possible.  And you can't fault anybody for this.  But for some reason we like to call guys close-minded and selfish when he doesn't want to step out of his sexual role.  I understand love should outweight all factors, but you are not already in love with somebody you first meet. For example, I'm a bottom.  I don't really have any plans to top anybody.  I have in the past, but it wasn't my cup of tea and not something I think I am willing to continue to do in a relationship.  I just don't understand why this is a problem with people.

I was conversing with this guy once and I brought up the subject of sexual roles.  He replied with this bullshit "I don't think thats important, we should just let it play out".  No. There is nothing that has to play out.  Nothing is wore than getting into the bedroom and both people are putting a rubber on, or both people are waiting for the other one to put the rubber on. All that can be avoided by having that discussion early.  Someone like me knows what all he is willing to do in a relationship.  The sooner these things are figured out, the less of a headache it can bring.  I understand love is strong, but I still think there are some things that people know they cannot wholeheartedly compromise on.  And sexual position can be one of them. 

What a Week!

Its been a minute (for me, anyway) since I last checked in. I have been hella busy with work, school (kinda), and vacation.  So its been stressful, yet fun.

Summer school started last Tuesday, and I went on vacation on Wednesday .  I had to work some magic to pull that shit off.   Turns out my professor is one I've already taken two times and he's quite fond of me. #jackpot.  I gave him a line about my family's vacation had already been paid for before I enrolled in classes. He worked with me and just said he'll count Wednesday and Thursday as one absence.  Luckily he had already planned to not have class on Friday.  Yo boy lucked out like a muhfucka!  I went to Florida with the folks.  All expenses paid by Pops...thank God.LoL Just sun, fun, and alcohol...I only wish my guy was with me.   My dad has always had this thing about visiting places during the week to beat the weekend crowd and the rush.  He always says "Call me strange, but I want to ENJOY myself while on vacation." Gotta love the guy.

It was good to get away and not be bothered by a lot of things...especially this strange love life of mine (although it has been looking up).  Me and Sly are really giving our best efforts.  After my last post and reading some of the comments, I had a very straight forward and specific talk about the issue of me not having any type of priority.  He took is surprisingly well.  He understood and has actually already put the shit in action.  Monday (the holiday) we planned to chill at his spot and Micha called and wanted to ride out somewhere.  The shit turned me on  how he was just like "Not tonight, I got something to tend to...holla".  Needless to say...somebody got the fuck of their life that night. LoL

Any readers who follow me know that there is a guy in my life that goes by "D-Boy".  Well, we aren't on the same level as we were.  Sly has completely taken over that position. We are still cool as shit, and we even went out to a mutual friends party.  I can tell he isn't too happy about what's goin on, and I haven't exactly told him about Sly...completely.  Why? I don't know.. The fucked up part about it is that I still have feelings for dude.  However, the realest in me knows we are  no where near ready for anything real and serious.

I can just only hope things continue to go well with everything and everybody.  It seems like I have so much "down time" lately with work and love and shit, that  I have forgotten how things feel when they are actually going well.

My Q and A at "Black is Bootyful"

I did a little fun Q and A with fellow blogger Cogito over at Black is Bootyful!  Excellent blog and one of the reasons I started blogging myself.  If the super personal approach doesn't get you, the erection inducing pics will. LoL 

Go check it out, and you can get to know a little more about your boy.

Priorities Muhfucka, Priorities

(A little jealously is okay every now and then....right?)
One thing I don't understand for the life of me, is an adult that cannot balance friends and significant others.  It baffles me how some people can NEVER get the shit right.  I understand that starting something new takes practice and certain changes have to be made, however, there is a limit.  Yeah I know "friends were there before you got with them, and they will be there after".  I hate that bullshit.  While true, that phrase is super ambiguous.  It fails to mention that you should have a balance of priority between the friends/family and your partner.

I have friends and I have romantic relationships.  I'm not perfect at balancing them both at any means.  But then again, who is?  However, I like to think I do a good job at it.  I at least make an attempt to make it equal.  Is it too much to ask to have a little reciprocity in this matter?  Sly is ridiculously bad at this shit.  In his case it is his god-forsaken cousin  These two muhfuckas are attached at the hip and the shit bothers me.  His cousin "Micah" gets first dibs at all his time an attention.  The worst part?  I can tell Sly doesn't really wants him around as much as he is.  He just doesn't know how, or when, to tell this muhfucka no.  For example, if we have plans to spend the evening together at his place and Micah wants to come over or go out somewhere, our plans are put on the back burner.  What the fuck?!  It's so hard for him to simply tell Micah he has plans, or is tied up.  He doesn't even have to tell him specifics. He can just tell him he's busy.  But does he?  Fuck no.  This is one of the main reasons why I'm thinking of every possible con of this little pseudo-relationship thing we have going on. If I can't get a little priority in this bitch, we're gonna continue to have problems.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just a few times, but every damn time. Sly is so scared of how Micah will react to this, that he unwillingly goes along with him all the time.  Like the other night, we were grabbing a bite to eat about to go back home and Micah calls. Says he's about to come over  and chill with us. We hadn't had any real chill/alone time in a minute, so it was important to me. Plus I was horny as shit.  At least this time, although slight, he tried to persuade Micah to stay where the hell he was.  Of course it didn't work. He bought his happy ass on over there and I clearly had resentment. About an hour in of dry conversation (on my end) and holding back I decided to get up and leave.  I couldn't take the shit.  Sly sat there and looked like a deer caught in headlights.  As I get to my car I get this fucked up text message saying that "I'm sorry, just come back. he's about to leave...its my bad. Just bring yo ass back babe."  The shit didn't work.  I just text back "Maybe next time".  I was too upset and my nerves were on edge. 

I don't want to cause any friction between them too, but I also want my dude.  Hell, if I can tell a some friends "not today" or "I'll get up with you later" you can too.  I'm annoyed, horny, angry, and upset. And dare I say it....are my feelings hurt?! Don't I sound attractive right about now...ha.

Inconsistency

{ Warning: This shit is not consistent and has a bunch of random ass topics.  I just needed to vent and clear my mind of shit I can't tell anybody around here. }

Sometimes I really think I'm being "punked" in this life shit. Seriously, this can't be real. I just can't win. LoL  I think Sly is a little upset at me because we had a little talk where I had to be completely honest.  We needed to slow the shit down. He was beginning to become a little over bearing.  And for the life of me I can't wrap my head around why this muhfucka does not realize people have jobs and they come first.  I have to be up between 5:45-6:00 every morning to get ready for work. I can't be fucking with you til midnight every night.  Every once in a while is cool...but not every time you feel like chillin.  I believe in compromising and all that jazz, but your boy has money to make.  If I work a double, I can't see you til the next day...sorry.  I'm too tired. He doesn't understand this. We are not in a relationship,no commitment. I just think he asks too much of me, especially when he isn't willing to sacrifice a damn thing for us to spend time.  If he has something to...he has something to do.  He doesn't even fathom the idea of changing his plans; but thinks I should automatically. We need to work on that shit if we decide to toy with the idea of being together. And I don't know what he's gonna do when the second summer session starts next week, he might just leave my ass alone. LoL

Fucking with him, I need an outlet.  Thats why last week I went over to a lil buddy's house and spent some time with him.  No fucking, just a lil foreplay and kissing.  (I think I mentioned it in my last post) But this dude is just a homie really. If I could just get Sly to chill out and act like this dude a little, we can work on it.  I'm still debating on whether or not to explore things with my ex Don or not.  I don't know how that'll work.  Then I had lil dude I just mentioned, we'll call him "Dre". Dre really ain't shit except something nice to look at.  Don't get me wrong, he's cool as hell and we can talk about a lot of shit...but he's a big time player and got "baby mama drama".  So that shit is a no go.  But I can still play around with him I guess.

I just need to ween myself off dudes again, I did it like a year ago.  But I'm not gonna lie to myself and say that's gonna happen. I don't want it to be another fail like my celibacy attempt. LoL

I'm Lost.

I hear the same ole bullshit all the time.  "There is somebody for everybody" and " Everybody has a soul mate".  But does this apply to homosexual relationships though?  I've been thinking because it seems I can't just fully connect and want to stay with any damn body.  While I like Sly, the timing and shit we have going on isn't working too well right now.  It was going good and all, but we failed to realize a few things in what the old people call the "courting" stage. I know the amount of time he wants/expects, things we wants to do, and other things he expects in a relationship.  I just can't satisfy the shit he wants.  I'm a busy lil muhfucka.

I know I'm young and all that jazz...but I know I'm not the only single person who gets tired of this shit; whether its with a male or female. By tired I mean, tired of the going from person to person trying to find someone worth it all. Also, tired of not having somebody there to support you not only sexually, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I know I'm probably sounding pathetic as all hell but this is what this blog is for right? LoL  But seriously, I wonder if that is true.  I sometimes think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.  I have friends, family, and love interest/prospects so I'm not lonely...just alone. (If that makes any sense)  It seems like everytime I find somebody shit goes south.  Like with Sly, I just knew this was it but reality set in.  I really think I could probably love this muhfucka one day....but when that day is gonna come along is the question.

My long lost friend as I call here (who is a lesbian) has been saying for months now that I just miss my ex, Don, and that's the reason why I can't really get with somebody else.  I used to call her ass insane, but now I can't be so sure. It seems like I can't find anybody else I had that connection with.  Its been almost 3 years since we called the shit quits, and almost 2 years since we cut it off sexually.  I speak to him regularly, we have good  conversations and all that good shit.  Hell, I even keep in touch with his mom.  (Sidebar:  We have always wondered if that woman knew what was up. She sure act liked it...and even seemed to approve. #Strange) Nobody understands my weird, rude, unstable ass like he does.  No one can put up with me and keep me under control when neccessary. He wasn't controlling or overly dominant or anything...but he could get my ass in check real quick when I needed it. Everybody can't do that.  I have recently wondered what would happen if we tried it again...we even joked about it.  Maybe that's why I can't be with another dude.  But, I have too much fuckin pride man.  I talked a lot of shit when we called it quits. Even though we've made up and become closer....I don't know how he would act if we got back together.  He mentioned it a few weeks ago, but I shoved it off and make a joke out of it.  Now I wonder if he was serious and how can I bring the shit up. 

Random Shit...Again.

Once again I decided to just put a bunch of random shit together again. Been one hell of a week.


1. Somehow my black ass ended up in the hospital Thursday night.  I had been having problems with my left ankle all week.  It was like a sharp pain going through my ankle every time I took a step on it.  Which is fucked up because my job requires me to be on my feet about 7 hours of a 8 1/2 hour shift. It was bad Wednesday, but not unbearable and I was able to work through it, by Thursday at the end of my shift I was limping to my damn car.  By the time I got home I could barely walk into the house.  When my dad got home and seen I could barely walk he made me go to the ER and see what was wrong.  After 3 x-rays and 2 different docs coming in,the only answer I got was that "something is strained or sprung".  You think muhfucka?  I diagnosed that shit at home.  I got some muscle relaxers, pain killers (couldn't get narcotics...that's another blog) and my dad brought me home.  I called in work Friday and off this weekend...so I'm chillin and hoping this ankle of mine stops fucking with me.

2. Recent events have caused me to question what all I'm ready for..in regards to love and relationships.  Sly is cool, a nice guy, and the sex is good...but this wanting to get serious shit isn't sitting well with me.  I was in a very serious relationship very young and it was more intense than what I think I was ready for.  I just don't want to get back into that shit.  I'm a little older now, but I've gotten so accustomed to being single and doing my own thing I now don't know if I can go back.  I hooked up with a dude the other day and it made me realize that I'm probably not as ready to just let the shit go and be committed as I thought I was. Not saying its out the question, but I need to talk to Sly asap.

3. I've realized that this "closet" door has no lock on it.  As discreet and DL some of us think we are, there is always someone who knows, some muhfucka who will run their mouth, and someone that will investigate yo ass and put 2 and 2 together.  I realized this as I was conversing with and old friend and he was telling me some shit about a dude I went to high school with.  He knows someone who knows someone, and they put all this shit together and found out ole boy was bi.  Made a fake Facebook account and all that shit.  People ain't shit.

4. When it comes to social media, I am a lame.  I have a Facebook account that I log into every week or so just to be nosy and past time.  I don't chit chat, don't message, don't add friends none of that shit.  I guess thats what I get for being a pseudo-loner.  I did create a twitter account over a year ago, and have logged on all of 5 times.  I guess I just don't get it, or I'm just weird. Either way it may go deeper.  Sometimes I think I'm not involved in those things because I know I can't be "myself" on that shit.  I mean I can't holla at no dudes, put any of my real issues out there with out everybody knowing my shit.  I'm no ready for all that shit.

Let's Get it On

I have recently discovered the joy of music during sex. When I was younger, I thought the shit was corny and served no purpose.  But Now that I'm slightly older, and slightly more experienced, I see the eroticism of it all. I wanted to share a few of my current fave when getting it on.

For the R&B Lovers, my favorite artist to get a lil freaky too with a few examples.  I encourage you to look up some of them you haven't heard:

• Marsha Ambrosis- Your hands; Let me go
• Usher: Love You Gently; Seduction, Love in this club
• Ginuwine: All night All Day
• Floetry: Getting Late, Lay Down
• Aaliyah: Can I come over
• Jamie Fox: Freakin Me
• Janet Jackson: Would you mind; anyplace
• Jonta Austin: Dope Fiend
• LLoyd: Certified; Street Love 
• Ne-Yo: Say It
• R.Kelly: Greatest Sex, Sex Weed, Remote Control, R&B Thug...etc. LoL
• Silk: Silk Time
• Sons of Funk: Pushing inside of you
• Tank: Slowly, Take my time w/ chris brown
• Trey Songz: We should be, jupitor love
• Adina Howard:
• Chris Brown/Keri Hilson: One night stand
• XScape: Sofest Place on earth; my little secret

Now, if you're anything like me and like some hip hop playing:

(Like T-Pain Said "Make Love to a Rap Song)

• Dirty Boys:Candy man; Candy man remix
• Do or Die: Do You; Fantasy
• Drake and Dream: Shut it down
• Flo Rida and Trey Songz: Freaky Deaky
• Hurrican Chris and Mario- Headboard
• J. Cole In the morning
• Wale: Downtown
• Ludacirs: Tell me a secret
• Kirko Bangz: What yo name is
• T-Pain: Reverse Cowgirl; Rapsong
• 504 Boyz: I can tell
• Lil Jon/Eastside Boys: Oh na na 
• Jay Z/Usher: Anything

Please add some of your own...I'm always up for adding to my collection!

Why So Many Partners Dude?

The gay/bi/dl lifestyle is often characterized the stereotype of  involving a lot of lust, sex, hook-ups, and no strings type relationships. However, it seems dudes don't seem to mind this shit. Hell, its almost like we purposefully embody this.

Don't get me wrong, I fucked my fair share of people in my life.  I'm not judging anyone.  But when/how did this shit get like this.  I am starting to believe this stereotype is not one at all, but cold hard facts. Homosexual males, especially black males, are so self-loathing and embarassed about their orientation that we can't even take ourselves seriously.  Think about how many gay/bi/dl guys say "I don't do relationships, I don't get serious with guys" and other bullshit. No, being involved or committed is not necessary.  But, it should at least be an option if it is indeed what you want.  Guys will live, grow old, and die alone all because they aren't comfortable being with another guy long term.

The question is, however, whose fault is it?  It just seems like society makes it hard for a black man to be anything other than ultra-macho, a thug, or something similar. (No, I'm not attacking the black community. Other races have the same issues. It's just an example.)If he fails be these things his masculinity and manhood as a whole is called into question.  And not just gay black men, but black men that are more preppy, professional, or privileged. These guys are often called "not black enough", selling out and weak.  Now imagine this same guy being gay.  This is basically the story of my life.  I've been accused of some of these things.  Then to top it off, I'm bisexual.  Double Wammy.  Sometimes I feel like if I was to come out and live my life comfortably, and it involved being with another man, my community would shun me and I wouldn't be accepted.  And it's clear I'm not the only one.

Thats what I equate the lack of long term, committed relationships among gay man, especially black men, being almost non-existent.  So in lieu of it, we resort to filling that void with multiple sexual partners, hook-ups, short flings, and the like.  And I include myself in this group. I have shied away from guys, and ruined shit with guys because of the FEAR of being with him and someone possibly finding out and being ostracized from those I love and love me...or I believe to love me.

Sexuality? What the Hell is it Exactly

 *I wrote this one a while back, saved it in Word and never posted it*

I always wondered what defines someone's sexuality.  What makes someone be classified as straight, gay, bi or whatever.  Many people say its about sex, and others say sex doesn't neccessarily constitute one's sexual orientation.  Personally, I believe your sexuality is defined by your attraction.  Also I believe that you can indeed determine one's sexuality by their sexual partners...or even just sexual desires.

I think it is pretty safe to assume that sex involves some type of attraction.  I don't even think you necessarily have to be completely attracted to that person...but there is something about that person's anatomy that attracts you.  I don't know about you, but I can't get horny for somebody if nothing is attracting me.  That's just common sense. That's why when I heard someone in class the other day say that sexuality is not defined by who you screw, I was confused.  I mean, it is called SEXuality and SEXual orientation.  It seems that saying something like that is just a cop out for someone who doesn't want to own up to their own sexuality.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that sex ALONE determines sexuality, but it is a major part of it.

In addition to sex, emotions and attraction also play a major role in sexual orientation.  You can't label one's sexuality by sex alone.  Think of people who are 22 year old virgins, they haven't had sex...yet they are well aware what they are attracted to. Hell, I knew I liked guys years before I ever had the pleasure of being introduced to penis.  Also, you can love someone without having sex with them.  What about flirting,is it a tell-tell sign of one's sexual orientation?  Does flirting signify that two people are attracted to one another? There's a guy at my job that I always flirt back and forth with, and its clear that its flirting. We touch a lot, lock eyes with one another, always find a reason to be alone with one another, and give compliments,   However, I have never questioned him sexuality. Out of all the shit we do, I don't really think he is attracted to guys. It just seems flirting back is just a natural reaction to some things.

And I have a few questions for you:

1. Can someone be homosexual who has never had sex, but has the desire and attration?  If not, how can someone in the same situation be considered straight?

2.  Can a straight person regularly have sexual relations with someone of the same sex and still be considered straight?


3.  Do you take flirting serious, or is it just something to do?

4.I said all that shit, but what does in fact determine orientation?

Slick lil Muhfucka

At my job, which is a hospital, there is a lot of eye candy walking around.  While I have the rule of not fucking with anyone I work with...looking is fair game. And a little harmless flirting is okay...right?

I am heavily attracted to a real "man's man".  I appreciate masculinity and while not required, a few muscles are always nice.:) And two of my immediate co-workers fit the bill perfectly.  "Mikey" is an older guy, I found out this dude is 39...but looks at oldest 28.  He is brown skin and has one hell of a smile.  The other day while at work, me and some of my co-workers were sitting on the floor of our office when we got an assignment. Mikey asked me to go with him and I offered my hand up for him to help me up.  And boy did he.  His muscular ass pulled me up in one quick motion just about lifting me off of my feet.  I got so turned on it was ridiculous (at this point I was still sexually frustrated with Sly).  So I took the opportunity to talk shit of course saying shit like "Dude, that wasn't shit...them weak ass arms."  I was trying to get him to show em off...and he took the bait.  He rolled his sleeve up and flexed. "This shit ain't hard" He replied asking me to grab it...took the bait again. LoL  So I got a nice long little grab.  He just laughed and smiled behind it...didn't suspect a thing.  Sad, I know.LoL

Then there's "Paris".  Paris is a short guy, probably about 5'7 lighter complexion and handsome. Not cute or no shit like that, but grown man handsome.  This dude has the sickest fuckin body in the building.  He even goes to the gym on his lunch break! We were working together this morning and he hit his arm on a piece of equipment.  He asked me to check it out. Gladly.  I rubbed around on his arm, felt up on the bicep and told him it seemed alright.  Just sneaky.


I know this shit was random, but I had to share my dumb ass actions with you guys. LoL  I was sure not to be to obvious, but damn I was turned on by coppin a lil feel.  I need help. LoL

YES YES YES YES!

*Hits the dougie*

So I finally got it, and by it....I mean the dick.  Me and dude Sly got the shit poppin.  I said what the comments said do, I told him it was all good.   I told him on the phone before I got over there, what was up...well, I kind of hinted around it. But I'm sure he got the picture.

I showed up in what i like to call "fuck gear".  I had on some sweats, some J's, and a tshirt...no underwear. Free ballin like a muhfucka. LoL  I didn't want it to be no misunderstanding on why I was there.  I was on a mission to get that dude...and I got him.  He wasn't shy at all. After laying on the couch for a few minutes he started feeling on my ass and that was it.  I took the initiative and pulled that dick out without even letting him utter a fuckin word. And went H.A.M on that head. The look on his face was pure shock..just motivated me even more. LoL

We got up and went to the bedroom and this dude actually "ordered" me to lay down on my stomach...you know I like that aggressive shit. I never thought I'll find another dude that liked to eat a ass like the dude Red, but he gave that muhfucka a run for his money.  It was like a mix between regular ole sex, and dare I say it...love making?  Either way, the shit was good.

So now I'm laying here typing this and emailing Cogito butt ass naked (just a fun fact LoL).  Sly is over at his computer desk.  I can't see what he's doing, but wouldn't it be some shit if he was over there blogging too. Just a thought... Let me get my ass up and put some clothes on...

I Enjoy This Shit

I really enjoy being bisexual, and the entire closeted lifestyle as a whole.  Weird...I know.  But just hear me out.
I have experienced more in this lifestyle than I think I would have if I would have never been a part of it.  I have also learned a greater sense of acceptance and tolerance for all people.  I increasingly become more open-minded and understanding.  Not just of the lgbt community, but of all walks of life. Being a part of a community already so frowned upon, although closeted, it would make no sense for me to pass judgement and hate to anyone else.

I'm not saying that heterosexual people are not capable of this level of understanding, I'm just saying I have come to this place very fast.  In the past I was a person who was quick to judge and point the finger. I completely ignored "He who is without sin cast the first stone".  I was chucking damn stones everywhere. However, as I slowly came to terms with my own sexuality and stopped beating myself up over it, my eyes opened. I used to act like I was the only person in this entire world who was going through my inner turmoil of my sexuality...among other things.  As I realized that my situation was not uncommon, and there were other people in the world going even worse struggles I somehow became a better person...to put it simply.  I wasn't an asshole, per say, but I was stuck in my ways.  Now I don't judge the stripper or the drug dealer.  Just how I think lowly of them and their lifestyle, there are double the amount of people that feel the same about mine.

Being closeted isn't that bad either.  I've always been a private person, its in my blood.  So, being dl is like second nature to me.  Even if I was straight or out, I probably wouldn't display any aspects of my love life.  And to be perfectly honest, I enjoy the excitement of it all.  For example, being out on a "date" with a dude and no one around you really knows whats going on is enticing to me.  I know some of them know whats up, but I'm referring to the general public. Just like being involved with a guy and having mutual friends who haven't the slightest clue about what goes on when we are alone.  This blog has been much needed therapy for me.  May sound kind of corny but, this shit is like home to me.  I can communicate with people like me...something I don't have the luxury of in my everyday life. For that, I want to say thank you for reading, giving advice, and providing some good laughs.